I hate customers. You all are a bunch of morons. How the hell do you people manage to tie your shoes in the morning? As many of you know, I work at a movie theatre, where I meet the lowest forms of life ever. Here are a few things that I would like you all to refrain from at the movie theatre. -Saying "Its fresh!" everytime I check to see if a $100 dollar bill is fake. -Holding on tight to the money when handing it to me. -Coming up and insisting that your middleaged wife is under 11. -Asking for two tickets to "Debbie does Dallas." -Asking for a large beer, pizza, hamburger, etc. -Calling the butter topping "heartattack sauce" Remeber, you are not funny! I have heard all of your "jokes" hundreds of times I will NOT even give you a courtesy laugh! Also when complaining, please remeber: -This theatre did not make that "horrible movie" that you just watched all of, so we will NOT give you a free pass. You should have come out earlier. -We are also not responsible for those kids kicking your seat throughout the whole movie. We would have been happy to kick them out should you have complained about it, but you didn't, so tough ****. -Don't even waste your time putting in a complaint about the previews. I'm sorry that they offend you so much. And I'm sure that if alot of people complain about them, we are going to get rid of them. The most common thing I see on complaint cards is "wasting my time." Yeah, I'm sure you would be doing something useful during those 10-15 minutes. -Also along the same lines as the previous two, we will not refund your popcorn, drink, etc. if you already ate/drank it ALL! -I know my job more than you do, so when you come in insisting that we accepted credit cards a week ago, when in fact we have NEVER accepted credit cards, please remeber that I work here, not you, I know things better than you. -Student IDs! This is what we get the most complaints about! You need a CURRENT AND VALID student ID. We have that posted up EVERYWHERE! So don't be mad at me when I don't accept you student ID from 1995. And no, I will not take your word that you are a student if you "forgot" your ID. Tough ****. -When something goes wrong with a movie, we WILL compensate you! There is no need to come out screaming! We understand that it is frustrating when a movie cuts out, but please calm down, shut up, and wait for us to give you your free pass. And here are some general tips to help you not be a moron: -"Why aren't there any movies starting right now?" READ THE FRICKEN NEWS PAPER! Movies don't start just because you decide to come down whenever you want. -"I want a large" A large WHAT? Coke? Popcorn? Nacho? Gun in your face? I'm sorry, but I failed mind reading class. -"How much is that one?" I can't see the display cases. I will tell you this nicely ONCE. You can't just point at what you want and expect me to see through the counter topand know what you want. Is it THAT hard to say that you want a box of Gummi Bears? -"What size is that one?" Same as the previous, but also, you should know that in these display cases we have the SIZE and VALUE right next to the item. Are you blind or just stupid? That was rhetorical. -"Yeah I'd like two large popcorns, a medium drink, and some Reeces Pieces. What? But I only have $3 bucks" I'm sure that by now EVERYONE knows that movie theaters are expensive. And just incase you didn't know, there is a big black board with all the prices on it right behind me. So please, bring more money than you think you'll need. -"I got this coupon right here" ITS NOT A ****ING COUPON! If you would read it carefully (can you read?) it says free Sour Patch Kids when you BUY two medium drinks and a large popcorn. This isn't even in fine print! I guess your brain stops functioning after you read "FREE." -"I'd like to use this pass" This isn't for our theatre, moron. -"I have a student ID" This is your Garden Grove Sanitation District ID card, moron. -"Why do I have to show ID?" Because this is a rated R movie, and you look like you are 14. No you can't just have your parents buy your ticket, they have to watch the movie with you. If you really are over 17, but don't have your ID, tough ****. Also, I am not blind, I can see when you go and ask the bum to buy your tickets for you. -"C'mon man, can you 'hook it up'"? NO! I will not "hook you up." I don't know you. -"Aww but, I know you from school" You asked to borrow a pencil from me once in 3rd grade. -"My mom sent me to get..." Don't send your kids, please, you lazy bastards. Sending our kids makes you a moron, and since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, it makes your kids morons on top of already being young and stupid. "What did you think of this movie..." I know, I know, I work at a movie theatre, but that does NOT mean that I write a review for every crappy movie that comes through here! "But you can see movies for free, right?" Yes, but that doesn't mean I do everyday! I probably see as many movies as you do! This especially makes me mad when the movie just came out that morning that I am working. "No sir, I didn't feel like coming to work at 6:00am just to watch this movie in our special 'employee only' threatre screen" "Why don't you have this movie anymore..." I'm guessing because it sucked, and our coorporate office makes the decisions on what movies play at what times, not me. And I'm goint to say this again, READ THE FRICKEN NEWS PAPER! "I have this pass" This pass is expired. No, I will not "let this go just once." Tough ****. "I want to speak to you manager" So let me get this straight, you want someone else to tell you the same thing? Oh but he has a suit on! "The lights are still on in this movie..." We keep the lights dimmed so that morons, like you, don't fall on your ass. "We'd like to get a refund for our movie. What? Oh we don't have our tickets, we threw them out." Why the hell did you through them out? HOLD ON TO YOUR TICKET STUBS! I know you may think that you won't need them becuase you don't plan on leaving the movie and coming back in, but we need them in order to give you a refund or a pass should something go wrong. If you don't have them, tough ****. Same goes for popcorn and drinks. I have no problem with refilling a drink/popcorn that you spilled, but you NEED to have the cup or bag! We have this little thing called "inventory." And it is not something to screw with. "Where is this movie...?" Oh, I dunno, maybe its in Auditorium 14, seeing as it says in big right smack in the middle of your ticket: Auditorium 14 I guess our numerical order system is just too complicated for some people. I will add more to this later, I need to go somewhere right now. This was a public service announcement that was intended to inform as well as bitch. But, much like our signs, tickets, and "coupons," I'm sure none of you read past the first line. Thank you, Spanky.