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Public Service Announcement: I hate all of you.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by SpankBass, Jan 2, 2003.

  1. I hate customers. You all are a bunch of morons. How the hell do you people manage to tie your shoes in the morning?

    As many of you know, I work at a movie theatre, where I meet the lowest forms of life ever.

    Here are a few things that I would like you all to refrain from at the movie theatre.

    -Saying "Its fresh!" everytime I check to see if a $100 dollar bill is fake.
    -Holding on tight to the money when handing it to me.
    -Coming up and insisting that your middleaged wife is under 11.
    -Asking for two tickets to "Debbie does Dallas."
    -Asking for a large beer, pizza, hamburger, etc.
    -Calling the butter topping "heartattack sauce"
    Remeber, you are not funny! I have heard all of your "jokes" hundreds of times I will NOT even give you a courtesy laugh!

    Also when complaining, please remeber:

    -This theatre did not make that "horrible movie" that you just watched all of, so we will NOT give you a free pass. You should have come out earlier.

    -We are also not responsible for those kids kicking your seat throughout the whole movie. We would have been happy to kick them out should you have complained about it, but you didn't, so tough ****.

    -Don't even waste your time putting in a complaint about the previews. I'm sorry that they offend you so much. And I'm sure that if alot of people complain about them, we are going to get rid of them. :rolleyes: The most common thing I see on complaint cards is "wasting my time." Yeah, I'm sure you would be doing something useful during those 10-15 minutes.

    -Also along the same lines as the previous two, we will not refund your popcorn, drink, etc. if you already ate/drank it ALL!

    -I know my job more than you do, so when you come in insisting that we accepted credit cards a week ago, when in fact we have NEVER accepted credit cards, please remeber that I work here, not you, I know things better than you.

    -Student IDs! This is what we get the most complaints about! You need a CURRENT AND VALID student ID. We have that posted up EVERYWHERE! So don't be mad at me when I don't accept you student ID from 1995. And no, I will not take your word that you are a student if you "forgot" your ID. Tough ****.

    -When something goes wrong with a movie, we WILL compensate you! There is no need to come out screaming! We understand that it is frustrating when a movie cuts out, but please calm down, shut up, and wait for us to give you your free pass.

    And here are some general tips to help you not be a moron:

    -"Why aren't there any movies starting right now?"
    READ THE FRICKEN NEWS PAPER! Movies don't start just because you decide to come down whenever you want.

    -"I want a large"
    A large WHAT? Coke? Popcorn? Nacho? Gun in your face? I'm sorry, but I failed mind reading class.

    -"How much is that one?"
    I can't see the display cases. I will tell you this nicely ONCE. You can't just point at what you want and expect me to see through the counter topand know what you want. Is it THAT hard to say that you want a box of Gummi Bears?

    -"What size is that one?"
    Same as the previous, but also, you should know that in these display cases we have the SIZE and VALUE right next to the item. Are you blind or just stupid? That was rhetorical.

    -"Yeah I'd like two large popcorns, a medium drink, and some Reeces Pieces. What? But I only have $3 bucks"
    I'm sure that by now EVERYONE knows that movie theaters are expensive. And just incase you didn't know, there is a big black board with all the prices on it right behind me. So please, bring more money than you think you'll need.

    -"I got this coupon right here"
    ITS NOT A ****ING COUPON! If you would read it carefully (can you read?) it says free Sour Patch Kids when you BUY two medium drinks and a large popcorn. This isn't even in fine print! I guess your brain stops functioning after you read "FREE."

    -"I'd like to use this pass"
    This isn't for our theatre, moron.

    -"I have a student ID"
    This is your Garden Grove Sanitation District ID card, moron.

    -"Why do I have to show ID?"
    Because this is a rated R movie, and you look like you are 14. No you can't just have your parents buy your ticket, they have to watch the movie with you. If you really are over 17, but don't have your ID, tough ****.
    Also, I am not blind, I can see when you go and ask the bum to buy your tickets for you.

    -"C'mon man, can you 'hook it up'"?
    NO! I will not "hook you up." I don't know you.

    -"Aww but, I know you from school"
    You asked to borrow a pencil from me once in 3rd grade.

    -"My mom sent me to get..."
    Don't send your kids, please, you lazy bastards. Sending our kids makes you a moron, and since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, it makes your kids morons on top of already being young and stupid.

    "What did you think of this movie..."
    I know, I know, I work at a movie theatre, but that does NOT mean that I write a review for every crappy movie that comes through here!

    "But you can see movies for free, right?"
    Yes, but that doesn't mean I do everyday! I probably see as many movies as you do! This especially makes me mad when the movie just came out that morning that I am working. "No sir, I didn't feel like coming to work at 6:00am just to watch this movie in our special 'employee only' threatre screen" :rolleyes:

    "Why don't you have this movie anymore..."
    I'm guessing because it sucked, and our coorporate office makes the decisions on what movies play at what times, not me. And I'm goint to say this again, READ THE FRICKEN NEWS PAPER!

    "I have this pass"
    This pass is expired. No, I will not "let this go just once." Tough ****.

    "I want to speak to you manager"
    So let me get this straight, you want someone else to tell you the same thing? Oh but he has a suit on!

    "The lights are still on in this movie..."
    We keep the lights dimmed so that morons, like you, don't fall on your ass.

    "We'd like to get a refund for our movie. What? Oh we don't have our tickets, we threw them out."
    Why the hell did you through them out? HOLD ON TO YOUR TICKET STUBS! I know you may think that you won't need them becuase you don't plan on leaving the movie and coming back in, but we need them in order to give you a refund or a pass should something go wrong. If you don't have them, tough ****.
    Same goes for popcorn and drinks. I have no problem with refilling a drink/popcorn that you spilled, but you NEED to have the cup or bag! We have this little thing called "inventory." And it is not something to screw with.

    "Where is this movie...?"
    Oh, I dunno, maybe its in Auditorium 14, seeing as it says in big right smack in the middle of your ticket: Auditorium 14
    I guess our numerical order system is just too complicated for some people.

    I will add more to this later, I need to go somewhere right now. This was a public service announcement that was intended to inform as well as bitch. But, much like our signs, tickets, and "coupons," I'm sure none of you read past the first line.

    Thank you,
  2. Uh......

    Not to sound like an A$$, but I hope your future career path isn't in customer service, because there are idiots in every industry.
  3. LM Bass

    LM Bass

    Jul 19, 2002
    Vancouver, BC
    Wow, that's intense. . .

    Now to vent about what I hate!

    "Don't you wish you'd taken up the piccolo?"

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH *deep breath*hahahahahahahahahahahah

    you should publish this stuff
  5. reachjkh


    Nov 21, 2002
    Lee's Summit, MO
    So...can you get me some free passes?
  6. Chriss62


    Jul 24, 2000
    Austin, Texas
    Just to let you know, i read through the whole thing for 2 reasons. Reason one, to listen to what you have to say ('cuz we all need to be heard sometimes) ; and reason two, 'cuz i was astonished at how idiotic people are sometimes. Give 'em hell, man!
  7. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    you work at a movie theater?

    ha ha!


    just kidding, spanky. a job's a job. any work is good work. hang in there - at least you get free movies.
  8. That was the most entertaining thing I've read in a long time. You should probably work with inanimate objects instead of people, though.
  9. =^..^=


    Jan 25, 2001
    Stuck on a rock !
    And don't forget to finish with "Brand New Year, Same Old Idiots..."
  10. cheeseman


    Feb 3, 2002
    Austin, TX
    So can you hook me up, or not? ;)
  11. jcadmus


    Apr 2, 2000
    Let me guess -- going out on a limb here...

    ...tough night at work?

    Easy there, Spank -- you're gonna blow an artery or somethin'.


    Not so fast -- you'll hyperventilate. That's better.

    Now close you're eyes and imagine...you're in your happy place...you're on a beach...there's a gentle breeze...

  12. b0r3d


    Dec 26, 2002
    Remind me to never go to the movie theatre he works at!!! I'm not as dumb as most of those people, but I like to just be an ass sometimes :D.

    Ever stop to think, then forget to start again?
  13. I really try not to be a moron! Honestly! It's always the people I'm with, I once went along with my (ex)girlfriend and her friend to a movie, I was 17, but she wasn't. You can probably tell what transpired.

    At least you're paying your dues early.
  14. hey man, i also work at a cinema...so i know exactly what you're going through.

    At you at Village or Hoyts or a local one?
    I'm at Village and, although the job requires that you spend alot of your time explaining to cheap idiots some very simple concepts, i find it quite enjoyable, simply for the reason that the girls that work there with me are stunning...oh yeah and we get the free movies of course..and we get to eat the choctops that are "unsellable" because it is not perfectly round or some of the choc topping went on the cone! :p

    About your frustration, i find it easier if you laugh and bitch about the customers with your fellow workers immediatly after the time that the customer asks the idiotic question or does the brainless act. This prevents a buildup of anger, and is also a source of amusement, since the person you are talking to understands fully, and will possible tell you about a time when a customer did something even more stupid. :D

    Anyway my favourite is when they ask "where is the ticket box and the candy bar?" They ask this at the upstairs podium on floor, which they COULD NOT have got to without walking directly passed the ticketbox and the candybar.

    if they come back up claiming they still can't find it (which is beyond my comprehension) i ask them if they've been drinking or something subtle...

    But yeah remember man, don't bottle up your rage...and remeber the good things about the job too!
  15. Brad Barker

    Brad Barker

    Apr 13, 2001
    berkeley, ca
    What a coincidence, SB. I am reading Kevin Murphy's (you may know him as Tom Servo from MST 3K) book, A Year at the Movies. It's very well written and witty as hell, too.

    His complaints are from the audience's perspective, though. He wrote chapters on people leaving during the middle of movies and ramming their ***es into everyone on their way out of the aisle, theaters playing previews until five to ten minutes past the time the movie was supposed to start (a big complaint of his--he contrasted it to Britain and France, where their theaters have previews, sure, but at least they stop at appropriate times), and the like. (But it's not all complaints and stuff. Each chapter is just a about a certain topic or two that best summarizes his week he spent going to at least one movie per day.)

    Here's probably the funniest quote I've come across yet (and I'm about half way done):

  16. Mike N

    Mike N Missing the old TB Supporting Member

    Jan 28, 2001
    Spencerport, New York
    Have you cosidered finding a job somewhere else??
  17. Well EXCUUUUUUSE ME!!! Mr. Spanky.
    I'm PROFIT and your OVERHEAD. I'm doing you and your co-workers a favor when I show up to watch a movie. Treat the customer better than they treat you or you will out the door and working at Guitar Center. Man, why did I bother , you probably didn't read past the first line.
  18. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    how about "aww, but i know you from talkbass!!!" that should be good for a pass to ltr.

    btw, what theater do you work at? i'm going to have to come out and throw popcorn at you when i'm in anacrime in 2 weeks.
  19. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
    Tough night at work huh?

    I'm with you Spanky. I know that customer service can be difficult. Here's my take on it:

    The average person is not necessarily an extremely analytical person. To be true, about most daily routines things, I think most of us are lazy. We rely upon the employees of certain companies to help us out, direct us, make experiences as easy as possible. Maybe it's because we're lazy, maybe it's because we're mentally responsible for more now than any other generation ever has. When we go to the movies, or to Sears, or to Pier 1, or to the mechanic, or anywhere, we don't want to have to think about every little thing. This is why people generally appear "stupid". Go easy on them though, without them you wouldn't have a job.

    As far as those making stupid jokes. Sure, they're stupid, but at least they're trying. Maybe some of those people are genuinely trying to be nice.

    Now here's my advice. Stay with this job for awhile. Work hard, be a leader, and try and get a job as an assistant manager. When you do, (not "if"), spend a couple nights online doing some research on managing adults and teens. If you can effectively and benevolently manage disparate groups for any significant amount of time, what you will learn will be invaluable to you. The real life experiences and lessons you'll learn will create people skills that will carry you through life and help you along the way.

    Good luck.
  20. Hey jbplayer, you can't buy respect. Or smarts.

    What you get when you fork over your hard-earned green is a certain level of service, which I suspect that MR SPANKY provides quite competently. What he thinks of these people/posts about them on Internet forums is then up to him, and if his personal opinion isn't bought by the dough the customer brings to his situation, then so much the better for his opinion.

    I'd think again about what it is you expect to buy with your eight dollars or whatever the hell a ticket is over there.

    Spank - love your post.

    About the funniest thing I have to relate about at work is customers who bring in their laptop computer and complain that the sound is down low, and threaten to demand a refund. When I point out the volume control on the side of the machine, they look sheepish and mutter something to themselves about "should have checked that first...".

    They are my profit and overhead, sure. And they get fast, pleasant service and my time and attention for that. But they are still total morons.

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