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Question about a woman, help!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by OneDrop76, Sep 6, 2005.


  1. OneDrop76

    OneDrop76

    Jul 15, 2005
    Beltsville, MD
    So here's the deal: I need to know the right course of action with this situation, because it is a crazy one.

    I really like this girl. She has been living with her boyfriend for over a year, and they are having major problems. Fighting about money, each other's families,
    she thinks he may have cheated, and he has a pot smoking problem which exacerbates all the other problems. Thing is, the guy has been a good friend of mine for a while, and I got to know her by hanging out with them obviously. When
    he started going out with her, I tried not to look at her like that out of respect for him. I thought she was hot, but just turned that part of my brain off cause it was my friend's girl. But lately I have been spending a lot of time with her in the evenings after work, cause he had to get a job waiting tables at night. So she was alone a lot in their house cause she doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, so I ended up coming over their house a lot and just chillin with her until he got home. Now I know my friend (the guy) trusts me
    completely, I could tell if he thought I had some motives for spending so much time with her. And no, I haven't tried anything with her, but I could have a couple times but didn't cause I would feel like a complete piece of ****. But
    over the last couple months (even before I knew they were having problems) I just started developing feelings for her, cause we had such a great time together. So lately they have had some major fights, and I have been the
    shoulder for her to cry on. I have tried my hardest just to be a friend and not try and sabotage my buddy, but it is getting harder and harder to do that, cause I really feel something for her. As of right now, they are on the brink of
    splitting, and I am sitting on the side as her friend and waiting to see what happens. But my question is this: When do I tell her what's on my mind? I am going to have to at some point, even if it means I ruin my friendship with both
    of them, I can't just let it consume me and prevent me from getting on with my life, because right now that's what it's doing. Should I wait until they are absolutely done and then do something, or just tell her now? I know she has
    enough on her mind right now, but I also don't want to be passive and let it go when that might cause her to continue in an unhappy situation. I don't want to
    betray my buddy, but I also don't want to sit by and do nothing when I really like this girl and think she might feel the same way. :help:
     
  2. Vorago

    Vorago (((o)))

    Jul 17, 2003
    Antwerp, Belgium
    aaah classic.
     
  3. Selta

    Selta

    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Duuuuuuuuuuuude. It sounds like to me you already made up your mind, and you're just looking for verification. You make your own decision, that's how you'll learn best :).

    -Ray
     
  4. Dan1099

    Dan1099 Dumbing My Process Down

    Aug 7, 2004
    Michigan
    yes, but does she like you, or does she just feel close to you because you are supporting her through hardship?
     
  5. OneDrop76

    OneDrop76

    Jul 15, 2005
    Beltsville, MD
    I'm certain she likes me and likes spending time with me. We email each other all day at work, then just about every night he works, she calls me to hang out. We have inside jokes, common life experiences and backgrounds, and we can talk about almost anything with each other. I've told her things that I haven't told anyone. And there have been little flirtations here and there on both sides, but I haven't actually come on to her. I have tried to reign in any instinct like that out of respect for my buddy. So I'm pretty sure there is something mutual there, and if he wasn't my friend I would have made a move already...
     
  6. AlembicPlayer

    AlembicPlayer Im not wearing shorts

    Aug 15, 2004
    Pacific Northwet, USA
    run ..don't walk

    RUN AWAY!!!!!

    there's 3 billion females on the planet...pick another one to mess with.
    there's no good ending to what you describe.
     
  7. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    Shes not married right? Well if she isn't married then she's fair game. I know this guys your friend and trusts you, so thats a good thing you havent done anything with her. Thats not cool to do to a friend. But, if she starts wanting to be with you instead of him, then the hell with it go for it.

    If she does want you rather than him, thats not your fault or her fault, its his. Maybe if he treated her better, her heart wouldnt stray.

    Tap her, forget her and never tell your friend what happend. :p
     
  8. Selta

    Selta

    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    You soooooooooooooo stole that from Gard!

    This is so very true.

    -Ray
     
  9. dlloyd

    dlloyd zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Apr 21, 2004
    Scotland
    How about reigning it in out of respect for yourself?
     
  10. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    She'll leave when it get's bad enough.

    The question you need to ask yourself is which relationship do you value more, your buddies, or the girls? You coming in and scooping up your buddies girlfriend will probably put a strain in your relationship with him.

    -Mike
     
  11. This is a classic scenario only different by the players involved, but you have to make up your own mind... It depends which person is more important to you, if both are, steer clear of taking action.
     
  12. Dan1099

    Dan1099 Dumbing My Process Down

    Aug 7, 2004
    Michigan
    Can I be honest? I think, to her, you're a ladyfriend. It sucks, and I sympathize with it all to well, but you WILL get that "but I don't want to ruin our friendship" speech.
     
  13. WillPlay4Food

    WillPlay4Food Now With More Metal! Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 9, 2002
    Orbiting HQ
    I was in the same predicament as you, back in '93. I ended up with the girl, who is now my wife and mother of our boy. It did end my friendship with her previous boyfriend (who I had known for almost 10 years before I met her) and that caused me some angst, but the both of us acknowledging our true feelings for each other and seeing where it went was more important to us.

    You have to make your own choice. For me (and hopefully for her as well :) ) it worked out better than I could've imagined. You might not be so lucky, but there's only one way to find out. You just have to figure out whether her current boyfriend's friendship with both of you is worth more than exploring your feelings with her.
     
  14. dlloyd

    dlloyd zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Apr 21, 2004
    Scotland
    It'll destroy the friendship. It'll probably destroy his friend as well.

    As for all his other friends? Nobody trusts someone who steals his friend's partner.
     
  15. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    True dat. That is a tough reputation to carry around.

    -Mike
     
  16. dlloyd

    dlloyd zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Apr 21, 2004
    Scotland
    And what did it do to him?
     
  17. OneDrop76

    OneDrop76

    Jul 15, 2005
    Beltsville, MD
    That is possible, but if that's the case, then I just need to find out and move on. Cause I can't be just her platonic friend much longer, I've made that mistake before and it's a complete waste of time, energy, and frustration.

    And as far as who's more important to me if I had to either lose him as a friend or her as a (possible) girlfriend, Id say her. I'm pretty sure after a while (maybe a long while) he'd get past it and might not hate me for it in the long run. We've had beef before, and buried the hatchet. This guy is definitely the player type, I've seen a lot of his chicks come and go before he got serious with her, and I think he might just feel like he wants freedom right now, and it's kind of too much for him.
     
  18. f_london

    f_london

    Aug 17, 2004
    I know how you feel man. There's this chick that I've been really cool with for some time, but she's going out with a total prick. She's constantly unhappy, and telling me about the argument they had the night before. I've just settled with being friends, and supporting her when she needs it. Sure, everyone tells her that she should break up with him, but she won't. I guess it's her choice... I just have to live with that.

    Sorry if it's not too helpful. Just letting you know that you're not alone.
     
  19. mwm70

    mwm70

    Oct 27, 2004
    Baltimore
    Chicks come and go, bros are bros for life. That is until you snatch up their girl on the rebound.
     
  20. xshawnxearthx

    xshawnxearthx

    Aug 23, 2004
    new jersey
    yeah, its pretty obvious.


    this is what you do. you suck it up, and deal with not being able to get what you want. it doesnt matter what is going to make you happy. if this is your friend. dont mess with that. i have found, that 9 times out of 10, it will blow up in your face.

    they break up
    you tell her
    she tells him
    he beats the crap out of you
    then she doesnt talk to you anymore because she thought you were really there as a friend, and not trying to just hit it. regardless if you like her or not, thats what it will look like.

    save the "oh he cant beat me up bs" because maybe he cant, but you knwo what, in this situation, he will. then you lose a friend on top of getting beat up.

    bro's before hoe's man, bro's before hoe's.

    :scowl: