Relationship Issues - Not enough time in a day

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by NJL, Apr 30, 2003.

  1. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Don't know if this belongs in OT or here, move as you please.

    Last night, my lady and I were talking and she is concerned about our relationship. She told me that it seems that I don't have enough time for her. I am always practicing, gigging, etc. (i also have a full time job)

    She told me that sometimes she doesn't feel loved. She knows that I love music and that quitting any of the groups that I freelance with would devastate me, but she doesn't know what the answer is (neither do I). We have worked hard in our relationship and are not about to let go.

    This really put me in my place last night. Made me really think. Made me feel horrible (I could only imagine how she feels). What do I do? I need to practice and gig - I am not the best bass player in the world and am constantly studying to improve. I have a great rep as a trumpet player, but doing gigs on bass (which is my true musical love) is a lot of pressure because of my rep as a trumpet player -so I need to practice my bass. Nothing's worse then "you should stick to horn" (haven't encountered this yet, but there is a first for everything)

    I don't know what to do? I know I need to spend more time with her but how? What about me (already sounds like this whole thing is about me anyway :( ) She's my world, but according to my actions lately, I haven't been showing it. What makes it worse is that I have three gigs this weekend and two are out of town and I won't get back until monday night. This is only going to make her feel lonelier - from friday until monday night.

    We are currently saving for a house and that is our goal for the next year or so. We have long term goals with each other, but she bluntly said that the past couple of weeks have been weird.

    She's right - I come home and am tired from gigging, working, etc. and don't feel like doing anything: spending time, talking, watching a movie with her, etc.

    I know a lot of you guys probably have been through this, so please give me some advice

  2. Ben Mishler

    Ben Mishler

    Jan 22, 2003
    San Jose
    I think that you need to evaluate your priorities. It sounds like something is going to need to give. My only advice I can give to you is to find out what is most important to you, and make time for that.
  3. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    maybe i should take some vitamins

    i am really overworked, but we need the cash...

    like today, we are going to go have lunch - i initiated that, that's a good start, right? (our offices are about a ten minute drive from each other)
  4. Take a vacation and spend less time practising/at work?
  5. 5stringDNA


    Oct 10, 2002
    Englewood, CO
    Bingo. I was in a much less serious relationship not too long ago that ended partly because of the "you lvoe music more than me" thing. In the end, it was the truth. Either cut back on gigging or kill the relationship, its your decision. What's more important to you?
  6. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    i told her i might have to start practicing during my lunch hour at the office, but i need to eat! i'm 220lbs!!! I have to feed every couple of hours!

    seriously, practicing at work doesn't bother me, but 1 hour is not enough
  7. Man, it's a tough situation to be in, but I can understand.

    It all comes down to time management, unfortunately. You need time to do what you need to do, of course, but you also need to set aside time for her.

    Try setting a "date" night where you spend time focused just on her, doing something she wants to do, and letting her know how important she is to you just by giving her your attention. Make sure NOTHING gets in the way of this - make the date and keep it, and try to do it on a regular basis - once a week if you can.

    Every day, or as often as you can, try to spend some time to just to be with her, talk to her about your day, ask about her day, and really listen to her. Even if its only 10 or 15 minutes, it can mean all the difference.

    This may sound corny as heck, but surprise her with flowers once in a while (or whatever she likes). Just the thoughtfulness behind the gesture lets her know you're thinking about her.

    Sounds impossible, but it can be done :) Good luck.
  8. When you do spend time with her, think quality, not quantity.
  9. How many bands do you practice with? If I read your profile correctly, there are at least 7 different ones listed. If that's true, I don't know how you do it.

    I understand the issue - I have three teenage children from a prior marriage, a full time job, and I practice (sorry, I mean rehearse - this is for Bruce Lindfield's benefit in case he reads this!) with 2 bands (this usually means 2-4 evenings per week in addition to gigs) and play a number of freelance gigs and open stage jams regularly. I myself am not happy with the time I have to spend with my lady, and I know that she would like more of my time as well.

    The only solution IMHO is to know when to say no, and what to say no to. In my case the solution is to leave one of the bands (I am letting them know after our next gig May 10). Although I might agree to occasional gigs with them, regular rehearsal has been taking up too much time on top of my own band and work.

    It also helps to plan regular times which are only for the relationship, and which you never infringe on with other activities.
  10. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    allan grossman and Manitou:

    this is what i was thinking last night after i just couldn't go to sleep! i think this is the right direction.

    i guess the little things are what really matter to a lot of women, cards, flowers, words, etc.

    like i said i called her "let's do lunch" and she told me i can't i am going to be busy. so i was thinking "all that talk last night and now you don't want to make time!!"

    she did call back and tell me post 2pm would be good. so i'm about to call her and make sure she can do it - i'm getting hungry!!
  11. boogiebass


    Aug 16, 2000
    If she's really your world, re-focus and do what you have to do to make sure she knows it. That will probably mean cutting out some music stuff. Which can you live without? The music stuff? Or the woman? Once you've answered that question, the rest will be easy.

    Sometimes it seems unfair but these kinds of choices often need to be made.
  12. It's not cards, flowers or words - it's treating them as an equal and letting them know they're important to you, that their opinion is valued and that what she wants is as important as what you want.
  13. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    i have it down to three bands right now - one practices once a month, the other doesn't practice, but gigs out of town and the third only hires the horn section a few times out of the year.

    even then, it's rough - i mean, wait until we have kids!

    maybe i should quit a band, but what about the money - we need that to survive?
  14. boogiebass


    Aug 16, 2000
  15. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    you are correct
  16. Ívar Þórólfsson

    Ívar Þórólfsson Mmmmmm... Supporting Member

    Apr 9, 2001
    Kopavogur, Iceland
    nojazzloco: If your gf really is your world as you said. Then make her feel so, let her know and show it to her.

    You have to get your priorities in order, I know this is harsh but imagine your life with more gigging and no girlfriend?

    There have been good advice in this thread, take notice of them.

    Best of luck!
  17. Phil Smith

    Phil Smith Mr Sumisu 2 U

    May 30, 2000
    Peoples Republic of Brooklyn
    Creator of: iGigBook for Android/iOS
    Good point SMASH, if she doesn't have a passion of her own to persue in the same manner she's never going to empathize with what you're trying to do.

    Ideally a good partner is someone you can talk to about what you want to do, what your goals are and how you want to go about doing them. In an ideal world they support you, because it's the right thing to do and because it's essential component of who you are. A good partner also knows that things aren't going to go as planned all of the time, if you're woman is needy, you're going to have problems, plain and simple.

    If it's worth it to you, then go ahead cut back on what your doing to spend more time with her. I don't think you'll be able to make the change without feeling your giving something up and having some resentment. I say this because if you were in a position to provide the time that she wants you wouldn't be doing what your doing and this issue wouldn't be coming up. It's always best to be true to yourself because if you don't you'll always regret it in the end.

    To do anything well requires an incredible amount of time and energy, which unfortunately most people don't understand because all they see is the end result.
  18. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    i did bring this up to her last night - it did make her think. i told her, once you become an accountant - you are going to be working your arse off - and then what about me? she couldn't really say anything.

    we did have a good laugh last night when i told her "let's start a band!"

    BTW, we had lunch and it went really well - we held each other to and from the cars - that little gesture went a lot!!
  19. Blackbird

    Blackbird Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 18, 2000
  20. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio