Reluctance to meet Mother's new Guitarist boyfriend

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by comatosedragon, Jul 14, 2020.


  1. I'm really not looking for "advice" on this one, more like I just want to get this out there, see how ridiculous it looks when it is all typed out proper. Maybe some of your replies will shame me into doing "the right thing"; I don't know. More than anything I just want to talk because I never have the opportunity.

    I am just about 42 (years of age). My mother (in the last few years) has re-antiquated herself with a man she knew many years ago (30+), when we still lived in Massachusetts. He lives up North, she lives down South. My mother will be retiring from the post office next year. When she does so, she plans to move this man (let's call him Ross) down South to live with her. (My mother and I live about 20 mins apart, FWIW)

    Yay, happy days.

    My mom has never really been happy AFAIK, so I told her I was happy for her. Last month, she went up to visit him; and told me she would be bringing some of his things down here with her when she came back. Come to find out, some of the items she brought back included a vintage Marshall guitar amp, a Peavey t-60 guitar, a Washburn acoustic guitar, various PA equipment.

    So Ross is a guitarist. This is a little odd, because absolutely NO ONE in my family has any talents or skills or hobbies. No One (except me).

    This past weekend, she flew Ross down here and had a cookout so people could meet him. She sent me an email saying:

    "<Ross> will be here from July 11 till July 18. I am having a cookout on the 12th for everyone to meet him. He is really looking forward to meeting you and playing a song or two. I know with your and Maria’s schedule it won’t be easy, but whenever you can make it out, that would be wonderful."

    *** do you mean he wants to play a song or two? What is this?
    So obviously I did not respond to the email, and did not go. I will not be going to see him this week while he is down here, and I will not be answering any of my mothers calls/texts.

    If she wants him to come down and live with her; that's fine it's her life. I seriously thought I was done meeting my mothers' boyfriends 30 years ago. It took me 20+ years to finally warm up to the arsehole she married when we moved down here; and he's been gone 4 or 5 years now; and I know of at least 3 men my mother has been with in that time. Whatever.

    It's just -- why did she pick a guitarist? Doesn't she realize that means I will probably never be able to see her again? I get enough judgement around TalkBass, I don't need an actual person looking at me and saying "Oh here's another one of those posers- This kid has thousands of dollars of gear and can't carry a tune in a bucket".
     
    el jeffe bass, starjag and Hachimitsu like this.
  2. pcake

    pcake Supporting Member

    Sep 20, 2011
    Los Angeleez
    ewhy does it bother you that he's a guitarist? he could be a jerk, but he could be a really cool guy and not judgemental at all.

    in 1998, when i was 41 and my son was in his early 20s. my previous boyfriends had been epic jerks in very different ways, and one was *gasp* a drummer. i formed a band with a guitar player i met in an ad and a totally different drummer. we played for a while before we ended up as a couple. my son could have sold him short, but he gave him a shot, and they really liked each other. my guitar player and i have been together since 1999, married since 2006, and we spend a lot of time with my son and his GF. so you never know.

    or the new BF could be a jerk.

    you don't have to let him know about your gear. unless he hangs out here on TB (my husband does, mostly in build and repair), it'll be your secret with just us bass players.
     
  3. I really can't put it into words, and that's the most infuriating part of all of this...



    Thanks for your kind words!
     
    pcake likes this.
  4. I think you have problems you don't know about. Guitar dude should be judged on his merits. Maybe your Mom came around to the idea she deserved a nice guy after putting up with a' holes all these years. Maybe he's just another.
     
    Mvilmany, CatchaCuda, Crispus and 2 others like this.
  5. Michedelic

    Michedelic MId-Century Modern

    ?
     
  6. They knew each other when we lived in Lawrence all those years ago. She is still (best) friends with his sister.

    edit>> Oh. Lol. Now I see the confusion!!!
    too late for me to fix that typo.....
     
  7. lyonaudio

    lyonaudio

    Apr 16, 2019
    France
    Ross can't afford his own ticket?

    Sounds like a musician.
     
    Indiana Mike, AuBassMan, robd and 8 others like this.
  8. Oddly

    Oddly

    Jan 17, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland.
    I don't know you, obviously, but that does seem like an over-reaction.
    Now I'm pretty anti-social myself, and dislike family gatherings and meeting new people, but even I would go meet with the guy, for your mother's sake if nothing else.
    The offer to play together might've come from him as a friendly way to break the ice and find some common ground.
    You could at least meet the guy for a chat, make some excuse for not being up for playing just yet...
     
  9. Everything you are saying is 100% true. I will have to meet the man at some point I suppose, but yeah; I seriously doubt if I'll ever play anything with him. The whole situation just slapped me in the face like a spoiled tuna.

    I mean, I have never even played in front of my mother, so .........
     
    Oddly likes this.
  10. Reacquainted.
     
  11. What a mess.
    First of all, I'm offering a free hug.

    Even if this is true, why shouldn't Ross be a guitarist?
    He probably was a guitarist long before you were born.
    He's not even really a member of your family (right now).

    And even if he was, are you afraid that there might be a second person in your family with a talent, a hobby - next to you?


    What about asking her?
    I guess she told Roos that you play bass and she or he might have had the idea: "Hey, this might be a point to start a relationship, maybe we could jam ...".

    OK, maybe not the best idea, given your feelings regarding "mom's men". Does she know about these feelings?
    Anyway, I bet Ross does not know about all this, so he's the last to blame.

    Here's your "mom's men" problem - pheeeeew, tough stuff.
    Does mom know?
    Have you ever really spoken about this?

    She didn't. She fell in love with a man she used to know xy years ago. This man happens to play guitar. So what?

    Would it make a difference if he was collecting stamps or baseball cards, or played bowling, or was all crazy about fishing or DIY?

    How could she realize that?
    Does she know about your hatred(?) for guitarists and/or her partners in general?
    And why don't you realize that even if Ross turns out to be a jerk you could still meet your mom without him?
    As far as I know couples aren't four-legged animals.

    Who judged you like that here on Talkbass?
    And how do you know Ross would judge you that way?
    Why should he?

    What precisely is it that prevents you from meeting this man at least once, just to find out what kind of person he is?
    Is it that you want your mom, her undivided attention, love and care for yourself alone?
    Is it that Ross is a guitarist and you hate guitarists just too much?
    Are you afraid of not being the only talented person with a hobby anymore in your family?
    Are you afraid that Ross is a better musician than you?
    Are you afraid he is the former and tells you so, that he judges you the way you described above?
    Do you see yourself like "another one of those posers with thousands of dollars of gear and unable to carry a tune in a bucket"?

    Sorry, of course none of these questions need to be answered here. But I'd strongly suggest that you answer them at least to yourself.
    Ideally look for some professional support on all this - I have done that and it was more than worth it.

    So far, all the best to you.
     
    J_Bass, hrodbert696, Tari and 3 others like this.
  12. 1) Absolutely nothing other than my own hangups. And I guess I will have to meet him at some point.
    2) Made me laugh. Trust me, an Oedipus Complex is the furthest thing from reality. I don't even talk to mom that often.
    3) I don't hate guitarists - I don't even know any. I just hate the idea that maybe she picked one to try to 'make good with me'.
    4) I am not talented at all, I just find the circumstances odd. NOBODY in our family does anything at all. I guess part of me may feel that the tiny thing that makes me unique will no longer do so. IDK.
    5) I'm not afraid he's better; I know for 100% certainty that he is better. There is no fear involved. But just about every single musician I would ever have the chance to meet is a better musician than me, so.........
    6) No, I would actually respect someone a lot if they said they were too good to play with me.
    7) Yes, absolutely.
     
  13. ElectroVibe

    ElectroVibe

    Mar 2, 2013
    I would look forward to meeting someone older and wiser.
     
    Jazz Ad, Crispus and comatosedragon like this.
  14. Lizooki

    Lizooki

    Feb 24, 2008
    I'm gonna be the bad guy.
    I have a couple of family members and friends who deal with similar issues.
    Your problems aren't with your moms boyfriend.
    Your problems are with your mom.
    You need to realize that and fix those problems ... if you want to.

    I do sympathize ... my wife had these issue also ..... took years to work them out.
    She was much happier when she did.

    Not dealing with them will isolate you from your mom.
    If that's what you want , so be it.
     
  15. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Connecticut
    1. It's your mother. Unless you are cutting her from your life, you should try to be a part, which means coming to events like this.

    2. She's not a musician. She probably figured that music was something you had in common, and might make the initial awkwardness easier.

    3. Just because she is older doesn't mean she can't have a private life.

    4. You don't think she might have felt it to be a pain in the butt treating your boyfriends when you were younger.

    I would also apologize and meet the guy.
     
  16. PWRL

    PWRL

    Sep 15, 2006
    I'd do it, even though it would be awkward. In fact, I have. One of the first times I met the man who would become my brother-in-law, everybody there, knowing I was a bass player and he a guitar player, insisted (happily) that we play some songs together. Also, my future stepson was there, and they insisted he play the piano. Now, we all kind of looked at each other like "Uhhhh..." That look that musicians give each other when they know they don't know a lick of music in common, but people who aren't musicians don't think about that. So, we played songs that everybody and their grandma knows, like "With Or Without You", "House Of The Rising Sun" and some generic blues turnarounds. It was a great thing that we did that, because really it was kind of our first bond.
    The deal here looks to me like this is a way of reaching out and saying that he wants to be a part of things with you guys, not just the dude who's dating your mom. I think it would be beneficial as a whole if you did it. He knows you're not going to bust out Malaguena or something. I mean, I know I'm better that "With Or Without You", but it was something we both knew (as does probably about anybody who took guitar or bass lessons in the last 30 years) off the bat, and it made everybody happy, especially my future wife's parents.
     
    comatosedragon likes this.
  17. FunkHead

    FunkHead Supporting Member

    Mar 10, 2007
    It's the new Fender Road Worn series?
     
  18. No, you do not have to see him if you do not want to.
    It is your choice.

    I rather thought if some "inner child longing for something it didn't get when you were a child" thing.

    Hm.
    I know people do a lot of strange and weird things but what makes you think she's done that?
    In any case, there is someone who knows the answer and that is the person you really need to talk to seriously and at length - your mom.
    And if this is beyond your [whatever] go and find some professional to talk to about this.

    I understand - else I wouldn't have brought this up.
    When I was in deep poopie, feeling useless if I didn't accomplish anything "big, extraordinary, outstanding, ideally unique" in my life, my head doctor said:
    "That's what we all feel. That's what everybody wants. But then, who does in the end? Hardly anyone. And are all these people who don't make it less amiable, less good company, less unique?"

    My idea: nobody would ever be winning without others losing.
    Nobody could be the best, without others being less good.
    Nobody can finish first without other finishing second, third or last.
    And so on.
    You are the only comatosedragon there is.
    Pretty unique, if you ask me.

    Well, you repeat so often how bad a musician you are that I begin to doubt it.

    However, no matter what you play and how good, do you enjoy playing, just for yourself?
    If so, it is perfect.
    There is no law saying you have to play in front of others or with others, if you don't want to, if it frustrates you or brings you down.

    You obviously have a low sense of self-worth.
    And obviously there are some problems with your mom.

    Just as Lizooki said:
    You may decide to start working on these things.
    No easy way, no fast lane, no 100% guaranteed recipees, just hard work, tears and a load of truth. The sooner you get going, the sooner you will feel better.

    You may also decide not to work on this.
    Then, this sad song will remain the same.
    And I guess then there's no life for you with your mom.

    I wish you lots of strength, courage and luck (luck is not really necessary but useful) so you can find a good decision.
     
  19. grinx

    grinx

    Mar 24, 2003
    Raleighwood, NC
    only thing worse than a blind date is a blind musical date
    go meet him. leave the music in the car.
    my mom did something of this nature. found an old beau, paid to bring him down, put him up, it lasted 3 months
    ymmv
     
    comatosedragon likes this.
  20. pcake

    pcake Supporting Member

    Sep 20, 2011
    Los Angeleez
    she didn't pick him to make good with you - she's known him for decades.

    you sound like you have a lot of self-dislike, and i'm sorry about that. years ago, my husband and i played with a beginning drummer. she wasn't bad - she's only just started, but she had good rhythm - but late husband had stopped her from realizing her dream of drumming by insulting her, telling her how unmusical she was and her adult kids regularly told her she sucked, women her age shouldn't play the drums and she was making a fool of herself. and so she didn't hear her good rhythm or decent chops - she heard the worst drummer in the world. it doesn't sound like you're a good judge of your playing.

    you can't be certain he's better without hearing him, and even if he is, most of us on TB would rather play with someone better than someone worse.

    btw, i would never respect anyone who felt they were too good to play just once with anyone who loved music.

    i'm very sorry you're using your music to hurt yourself.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
  21. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

    Here are some related products that TB members are talking about. Clicking on a product will take you to TB’s partner, Primary, where you can find links to TB discussions about these products.

     
    Aug 1, 2021

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