Remarrying after the death of a spouse

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by MAJOR METAL, Jun 17, 2005.


    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    In you opinion what would you say is a reasonable amount of time before remarrying after the death of a spouse?.I would personaly say several years 2 or more.
  2. RicPlaya


    Apr 22, 2003
    Whitmoretucky MI
    IMO how can you put a time frame on it. If it's right, and it's not a rebound thing than do what makes one happy.
  3. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    I don't think I could. I was content to be single for the rest of my life, but when I started dating my wife I knew that I wanted to marry her. I guess it could happen a second time, but I doubt it.
  4. +1
  5. Bryan R. Tyler

    Bryan R. Tyler TalkBass: Usurping My Practice Time Since 2002 Staff Member Administrator Gold Supporting Member

    May 3, 2002
    It's probably not possible to have a "reasonable" amount of time- it would be different for everyone. You can't put a number on how long a reasonable amount of time it takes to fall in love, and this situation wouldn't be too far off from that.

    Then again, if I were married to, say, DigMe, and he perished in the world's first recorded death by overdosing on sarcasm, I'd say, four, five days would be a reasonable amount.
  6. David Wilson

    David Wilson Administrator Staff Member Administrator Supporting Member

    Oct 14, 2002
    Lower Westchester, NY
    don't think you can prescribe some kind of limit, or 'minimum' time.

    While you obviously have to be careful of rebound, you can make the wrong decision at any time just as you can make the right decision at any time.
  7. Ed Fuqua

    Ed Fuqua

    Dec 13, 1999
    Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
    Love is wonderful, in that it is an emotion of infinite capacity.

    You got to be careful, getting back into a relationship. You don't want to be doing it for "practical" reasons (kids need a father/mother, I need somebody to have sex with/pick up half the bills whatever), you don't want to be doing it cause of other people ("you should move on with your life"), or NOT doing it cause of other people ("don't you think it's too soon") or becuase somebody seems to be similar to the dear departed or vastly different from the dear departed.

    Just be open to the moment, without predisposition or expectation. There's no time limit, it's just whenever you are emotionally capable .

    Of course that didn't stop the first wedding, right?
  8. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    There is also the thing, that you might just need someone to be around help you with all your kids, and day-to-day stuff. It might not really be love, but it's functional, and practical. Which is to say, not harboring any illusions of love, and just spanning time together.
  9. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    Exactly. Like as soon as I saw Bryan Tyler's Velvet Elvis picture and girlie pink fingerboard, I knew he was the one for me.

    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    I have first hand expirence in that situation and when it is rushed into it is a complete disastor in my opinion.
  11. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    Dude, where do you come up with these threads?
  12. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    I do too, and my mom has been remarried for nearly a decade, I don't believe she 'loves' him, but his presence has been a tremendous help with all manner of things.

    This extends to my greater theory on love and marriage. Yes, love is important, but ultimately, I think that for 'marriage' love isn't the most important thing. Functionality is. Functionality doesn't necessarily stem from love.

    I've been in love before, and the girl loved me back, our 'love' was strong, but we could never have a functioning relationship, because lots of other things were weak. Love isn't the defining factor of any relationship.

    Heck, historically, when you consider it. Marriage used to be completely devoid of love. Love is/was a luxury, girls were given up to marriage in treaty negotiations and/or land bartering. There was no 'love' there. The concept of 'love' in marriage is a relatively new one that we can afford because we have a strong society, that has pretty much all its **** together.

    Of course, I could be wrong, and this is only one angle, as I'm sure many marriages are built on love as well as functionality, but I don't believe that love is a necessary requisite to a good marriage. Especially if you've been through the motions before with regards to love, and you are just looking for someone to settle down with and co-exist together.
  13. I'm pretty sure anytime a thought jumps across his brain, he rushes to TB to ask about it.

    Either that, or they're actually topical for him and he leads a really interesting life.
  14. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars

    Kung Fuqua speaks.

    All listen. (Unless they're idiots.)

    Wise words.
  15. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Love and respect are the cornerstones of a marriage. Sure, you can make it work without true love, but a person won't be experiencing the marriage relationship to the full.

    As far as the thread question....I would think someone should wait at least a year until they begin pursuing another marriage mate.

  16. KeithPas


    May 16, 2000

    :) +1
  17. RAM


    May 10, 2000
    Chicago, IL
    Two examples come to my mind, both individuals close to me. One is a good friend I'd actually met when he started dating a girl I was friendly with. They got married and she died at the age of 34 about 2-1/2 years into their marriage. My friend has still got pictures of his late wife up, despite having been intimately involved with a woman for about 2 years. He started dating her about 8 months after his wife passed away. No plans to ever marry again.

    My cousin lost his wife after almost 40 years to complications from diabetes. He remarried within about 18 months.

    My point is, it's very different for different people, and no time frame can be placed on grieving, feeling comfortable with dating, being in the right place at the right time to meet someone, falling in love, and feeling the time is right to marry.
  18. Exactly as it takes for them to fall in love again without feeling guilty.

    Your premise is wrong. Its not in your control how soon it happens.

    If you are lucky enough to find the ONE! again (or would that be, the TWO!), and someone else thinks it is "too soon", take them to Guitar Center and slap them. I hear its appropriate to slap in Guitar Center. See if they can still say "Tsk Tsk" with their teeth missing.

    In fact, lots of people find the love of their life while they're still married! That's why they invented divorce.

    That doesn't mean to rush out and marry them that week, take plenty of time to make sure it isn't a rebound, or they're not a golddigger.

    But love is too rare to pass it up becuase someone has some article from "Dear Abby" that says it should have taken longer to happen.

  19. My grandmother remarried fairly quickly after the death of my grandfather...I dunno the exact time, but I think it was within a year.

    Now, this happened before I was even born, so personally I have no opionion, BUT my dad was very hurt she remarried so quickly. That's why he rarely ever talks to his mother anymore and avoids his stepfather when he can.

    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    If i started a thread " anytime a thought jumps across his (mine) brain" i would have to come to think that is a pretty inactive brain considering how many thoughts your average human has in a day and how many threads i would have to start for each of those thoughts. Sorry Doc but i am going to have to say your cognitive observation is in error :)