September 11th Poem

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by rangerz715, Sep 15, 2003.

  1. Hey guys I wrote this poem in school the other day on September 11th. I left in school and i havn't been able to post it but I really wanted to know what everybody thought. This is my first time really sitting down and writing something so I would really appreciate some honest feedback. Thanks.

    Never Fall

    The towers stood strong,
    with all there might.
    Waiting for,
    the final fight.

    We lost the battle,
    but won the war,
    and that is what were,
    fighting for.

    They tried to deal,
    a fatal blow,
    but then we went,
    to them to show.

    The towers fell,
    but were not lost.
    We will come through,
    no matter the cost.

    And that is why,
    we will survive.
    'Cuz theres no way,
    that we can hide.

    We came through,
    so strong and tall,
    and that is why we'll,
    Never Fall.
  2. Figjam


    Aug 5, 2003
    Boston, MA
    Too Dr. Seuss. Good poems dont have to rhyme so much. They need to flow. And this didnt flow.
  3. see, if you ever find yourself writing lines like this that are completely awkward just so they rhyme, you are writing poorly. i guess the parallel between towers falling/country falling is good, but the rest is cheesy. if i were you i'd avoid the topic entirely, because unless you're t.s. eliot it's gonna come out bad. :meh:
  4. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002

    for me, a good poem says exactly what you mean to say with minimal wordage.

    I'm not one for long poetry, the way I see poetry, it's the culmination of an understanding of language, so you shouldn't need to use a lot of it if you understand how it works, you can say what you mean to say with less.

    much like with music....

    This poem did have a flow, it was a little bit punctuated at times, but the flow was there, some lines were strained too hard to get them to work with the rhyme pattern though.
  5. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    hay dude sup :cool:

    welcome back (?)
  6. Blackbird

    Blackbird Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 18, 2000
    Bah, everyone's a critic.

    It's got some very good bits and it reflects the age of the writer.

    Your grammar needs some work, but if you're just doing it for fun, even that's not a big deal.

    For the future, if you want your poetry (and writing in general) to be taken more seriously, get your grammar in shape.

    Now let's move this to the non-music related forum...
  7. I may have been harsh, but I think it was justified. It just seemed very cheesy.
    But respect to rangerz715 for having the balls to post it, it just seems like something Bush would have wrote, grammar errors et al.

  8. Nice poem...screw all those who say it sucks:)

  9. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
    OK, screw me. :meh:
  10. I.'.I.'.Nakoa

    I.'.I.'.Nakoa Guest

    Aug 10, 2000
    Fort Worth.
    im number 2 on the screw list, right after you Jmx.

    one error: we havent won any war yet.

  11. eek,I was kidding...kinda:)
  12. I liked it, but it was a bit tacky. maybe with less rhyming words. poetry dosn't really have to rhyme (much) aslong as you express your feelings and maybe if if it sais something clever.
    I like the "lost the battle, but won the war" thing;)

    just my opinion, and I'm nobody;)
  13. Aaron


    Jun 2, 2001
    Bellingham, WA
    I think we're all screwed :D
  14. Sad but true. I'm just waiting for the next big thing to happen, and I'm not talking about Jaco's ressurection.
  15. Scott D

    Scott D

    Apr 21, 2003
    Minneapolis, MN
    man, i think its a good poem, but i'm just so sick of all this 9/11 stuff. its sad, but why do we keep "remembering" it constantly? and what really pissed me off was that like how they were still talking about it a year after it happened like no one had any idea of what happened... "And we remember 9/11, where the World Trade Center's towers fell when they were crashed into by American Airlines Flight XXXX which were hijacked by terrorists. The Pentagon got hit too, and there was another plane downed somewhere in georgia." i was so sick of hearing this for the 1,000,000,000th time... gah.
  16. enzyme


    Feb 4, 2003
    Get over it. It was 2 years ago. It's not like you lived in London during the blitz.