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Share your poetry

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Stephen S, Nov 11, 2003.


  1. Stephen S

    Stephen S Member

    Apr 10, 2002
    San Bernardino, CA
    First I must say I'm doing this because I would like some opinions on my work, and the people posting their poems probably want the same. So in order to post a poem you must share your opinion on at least one of the poems previously posted.

    This is the poem, it's current title is "Care"

    Its easy to let your mind run from thought
    And to tell it everything’s ok when everything is not
    I'd agree if you were me I'd hate you just as much
    cause I care about everything and nothing all at once

    take me to a land of plain where all is black and white
    Where fear is not a marketing tool, a world without fright
    I lied again to you all and said I really cared
    I'm buried alive when I hide beneath all the flair

    ritualistic ceremonies dubbed prime time TV
    Presidential interns in the back room getting steamy
    Street bound pharmacists leave patients eyes gleaming
    Races reaching new frontiers are just beggin for a reaming

    Spontaneously generating social defects from your minds to our hearts
    Cataclysmic visionaries leg humping from the start
    Publicly bashing creative minds for lack of better thought
    Carcasses laid slain on concrete left to rot

    Death engulfing everything, decomposer has begun
    Political extremists seeking ways to over run
    Revolutionaries revolting with quick witted retorts
    While children in the public system academically fall short

    We leave our elders screaming nurse and the nurses giving meds
    But fail to tell the recipient it's all inside their head
    This world is a placebo filled with tar and broken bones
    Because it tastes better then the thought of thousands starving without homes

    EDIT: sorry everyone, i spell checked and forgot to reread it, so it ended up that way, with all those commas and stuff.
     
  2. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    It is difficult to read, that is, the punctuation is stagnant in the beginning, and near-non-existant in the latter half.

    The first stanza is very cluttered, perhaps you were going for this, but I just found it irritating.

    Then you seem to disregard punctuation entirely near the middle and through the end(with a couple exceptions) And I don't see how this helps the poem at all.

    the result is that it's not only difficult to read, but it also jerks with the reader, like a broken roller-coaster.

    Am I to believe these 6, 4-line stanzas are all one sentence? why no periods?

    The rhyme scheme is there, but it seems like you forced many lines to fit that rhyme. The rhythm breaks up a lot and then once the punctuation falls out, it's even worse.

    It's one thing to use rhyme, but rhyme and rhythm go hand in hand, to neglect one can seriously hinder the effect of the other.

    Of course there is poetic license allowed in everything I have cited, ultimately whatever you are trying to express can allow whatever form you want. However, it doesn't appear to me that you even considered a lot of this stuff.

    The form hampers the meaning, whatever you were trying to say got lost in the same place where all your commas and periods went.

    Also the capitalization is kind of weird, but I'd imagine that's just a spastic pinky-shift finger :)
     
  3. Funkize you

    Funkize you Guest

    Nov 4, 2003
    Westminster Ca.
    (Deep blue room, with walking bass in the back)

    (casually smoking cigarette, Inhaling/Exhaling VERY DEEPLY)


    Cool... whose cool....


    No one's cool, Cool is what you think it is
    Not What it is.


    You cant see cool
    you feel it.

    (That was said over the coarse of 14 min.)

    :p

    If I honestly had Cool Poetry I would submit it...
     
  4. Here's a little something that I wrote a while back as lyrics. (Lyrics, in their purpose need not be scrutinized by poetic nazis.) Haha, just kidding,,,really kidding. Just ignore the lack of capitolization and unusual punctuation, or lack there of (this was done in the attempt to remember timing).

    life is a beauty pagent,
    blackens your heart and shades your eyes
    from her darkenend image,
    whithering away with misplaced time

    our bodies weak with confusion
    as her thoughts grow deeper still,
    her inards flame with sickness
    ripped away with angers ill

    The stage covered with ignorance,
    A warmth of evils peace,
    And they never realize
    her fake beauty's their release

    from they're simple ugly lives,
    as they stare into her eyes
    never see through her disguise
    shes just as ugly from within

    -----------------------------------------

    life, is a beauty pagent,
    blackens your soul and makes you cry
    you sit and watch them walk
    as you stare and wish they'd die

    your bodies weak with confusion
    towards a life path, all up hill
    your inards flame with sickness
    and her smile makes you ill

    our world covered with ignorance,
    destroying all your peace,
    you see through shallow arrogance,
    its evil lyes beneath

    from their simple ugly lives
    and you see within her eyes,
    and you know what you despise
    its the image not within

    ----------------------------------------

    My eyes shut upon
    disgrace of the faces I see
    What I cant deny
    Peace will come soon to me

    Her skin so soft
    A touch of reality
    NOT is the realm of life
    but superficiality


    eh, it sounds good with the song.
     
  5. Hey Stephen, I liked the content, but couldn't really get a feeling of flow. But then again, that's probably because all the poetry I write I try to get my message across in a more..."smooth" way, for lack of a better word.

    Here's something I wrote earlier today. I started it when I was eating lunch, then finished it in physics class. :p


    Lost and Found

    Wandering in solitude,
    he cries for company.
    And suddenly he hears a voice,
    that says, "hey, come to me."

    He looks around but sees nothing,
    and thinks he's gone insane.
    He thinks about his life gone by,
    and his heart is filled with pain.

    He feels a hand on his shoulder,
    and turns around to see
    a beautiful girl standing there,
    and at first he wants to flee.

    She says to him, "don't be afraid,
    I'm not going to bite."
    He thinks about it for a while,
    then thinks, "she might be right."

    They sit and chat and have a blast,
    and drink the night away.
    In the next few months to come,
    they hung out every day.

    But then one day she up and left,
    and broke his little heart.
    He never in a million years
    had thought their paths would part.

    He was just a human being,
    just one of mortal men.
    And so it came to pass that he
    would wander once again.
     
  6. Brendan

    Brendan

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    I rarely, if ever, use punctuation in any poems I write. I think it clutters them up and makes them feel mechanical. Though, to compensate, I make each line it's own entity, even if it's one word. I like to put in my own pauses and stops, and letting others come to their own conclusions as to the meters I use from line to line. It makes for more interesting readings and interpretations.

    Pauses and breaths as such an important facet of interpreting a poem, that punctuation can make or break a poem. I let mine be as open ended as possible, in that respect. Maybe it's the e. e. cummings in me, but I infinitely prefer my method to the traditional format.

    I always hated when I drew something out of a poem, and found out later it had nothing to do with it, or that a miss-print altered it's entire meaning (which can happen with just one comma), so I just let my works stand on their own, punctuation free. The puntuation mark I do use as expected/appropo is the question mark and the quotation mark, but that's about it.

    Of course, when nessicary, I do punctuate as standards require, especially in form poems that need them: Canzones, sextillas, sestinas, ect.
     
  7. jaggedsphere

    jaggedsphere

    Jul 15, 2002
    Ottawa
    symbols, words, sounds....only because we belive in them.

    Feed me dreams of madness, i want to live the bright.

    There are some to whom life is something that they do. there are some to whom life is something that happens to them.

    The centre of the UNIverse is on your forhead

    death before fullfilment.

    There is absent wanting under roofs. why are we different? streched with 90° x 8. I lose the mirror me it. never-found. looking at me you

    This is all your halucination. this is your mind.

    If normal settles in your now.....may you never be content.

    To taste death swallow life

    The species, the eaten and the eater. The stomach is the centre is of your being.