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Short Snippets of Your Favorite Comedy Routines

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by mellowinman, Mar 25, 2014.


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  1. Mar 25, 2014 #1
    mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    Minneapolis
    Mum How are you liking it down the mine, Ken?
    Ken Oh it's not too bad, mum... we're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal-face scouring operations.
    Mum Oh that sounds nice, dear...
    Dad Tungsten carbide drills! What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?
    Ken It's something they use in coal-mining, father.
    Dad (mimicking) 'It's something they use in coal-mining, father'. You're all bloody fancy talk since you left London.
    Ken Oh not that again.
    Mum He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow.
    Ken Oh that's good.
    Dad Good! good? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer. That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!
     
  5. Mar 25, 2014 #2
    repoman

    repoman

    Aug 11, 2011
    Kinderhook NY
    who's on first?
     
  10. Mar 25, 2014 #3
    emdsd

    emdsd Mongo only pawn in game of music!

    Feb 25, 2010
    Boyne City, Michigan
    Give the Governor a hharumph! You better watch your ass!
     
  14. Mar 26, 2014 #4
    bachlover

    bachlover

    Jul 8, 2013
    Calgary, AB, Canada
    Jane, you ignorant slut.
     
  18. Mar 26, 2014 #5
    prd004

    prd004

    Dec 3, 2010
  22. Mar 26, 2014 #6
    Fat Steve

    Fat Steve The poodle bites, the poodle chews it.

    Feb 4, 2013
    The great tire fire known as Simi Valley
    "How 'bout this officer; how 'bout you carry me to the back of your car, think I'll start my eighteen hour nap right now buddy. You ever seen vomit go through that mesh screen between the front and back seat of their cars? Oh yeah, you're going to rue the day you pulled me over buddy. I've been eating bar olives for three days straight. I don't think it's going to go with your crispy blues."

    -Bill Hicks
     
  26. Mar 26, 2014 #7
    gary m

    gary m

    Jan 17, 2011
    Mid -Atlantic
    Monty Python's "Parrot" sketch.
     
  31. Mar 26, 2014 #8
    edpal

    edpal Banned

    Oct 3, 2007
    Jim Carey as "Helga" the female body builder on "Living Color"
    helga.
    YOu have my permission to barf :D
     
  35. Mar 26, 2014 #9
    Darth Handsome

    Darth Handsome Banned

    Oct 1, 2010
    Winnipeg
    Striker was our squadron leader. I'll never forget the day we bombed Macho Grande. He brought us in real low....but he couldn't handle it.
     
  39. Mar 26, 2014 #10
    fraublugher

    fraublugher

    Nov 19, 2004
    ottawa, ontario, canada
    music school retailer
    " Le singe est sous la branche." Eddie Izzard french lesson
     
  43. Mar 26, 2014 #11
    yodedude2

    yodedude2 Supporting Member

    Nov 19, 2005
    rio grande valley, texas
    'you just contradicted me!'
    'no, i didn't.'
    'you did just then!'
    'nonsense.'

    also:

    'have you ever heard of plato? aristotle? socrates?'
    'yes.'
    'morons.'
     
  47. Mar 26, 2014 #12
    capnjim

    capnjim

    Mar 13, 2008
    "Newman!!!"
     
  51. Mar 26, 2014 #13
    tangentmusic

    tangentmusic A figment of our exaggeration

    Aug 17, 2007
    Reno/Tahoe
    English teacher: "There are two words one must never use. One is swell, the other is lousy."

    Lucy:" OK - what are they?"

    - I Love Lucy
     
  55. Mar 26, 2014 #14
    Tegzsa

    Tegzsa

    Oct 23, 2005
    The Back End of Beyond
    For fans of Braveheart:


    Not snippets, really. More like longbuildupets.
     
  59. Mar 26, 2014 #15
    BayStateBass

    BayStateBass

    Jan 25, 2012
    Central Massachusetts
    Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?

    Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.

    Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.

    Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.

    Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.

    Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!

    Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.

    Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
     
  64. Mar 26, 2014 #16
    MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for?

    -Mike
     
  68. Mar 26, 2014 #17
    edpal

    edpal Banned

    Oct 3, 2007
    ME - I love olive loaf.
     
  72. Mar 26, 2014 #18
    David Jayne

    David Jayne

    Jan 16, 2006
    Brookfield, CT
    One of the true classics of our age. I miss In Living Color.
     
  76. Mar 26, 2014 #19
    MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Same here. Tommy Davidson was on Chopped last night. I was having all kinds of ILC flashbacks while watching it.

    -Mike
     
  80. Mar 26, 2014 #20
    David Jayne

    David Jayne

    Jan 16, 2006
    Brookfield, CT
    Oh god, he was so damned funny on ILC. Just hilarious stuff.
     
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