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Short Story.. With a tragic ending....

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Microbass, Apr 25, 2003.

  1. Hey guys and gals! I have a story to write for my english class, and I'd like to post what I have so far. Tell me what you think!

    Don was a young man, in his late teens, age 18 going on 19. Don was the goofy kind of kid that everyone could get along with, a nice guy. He was lanky, and thin, with messy brown hair. He wasn’t the smartest of all people, but managed his life decently, and was earning a good income from his work at a local music store. Music and his friends was Don’s life. Never play any instruments, but he was very open to all sorts of music, and how bands worked. He acknowledged the wonders and the power of the notes and sounds.

    Don lived with his widowed mum in an apartment, near the city centre of Glasgow.
    Joanne’s – Don’s mother – husband died when Don was just 3 years old. Don was much like his father, James, except he had a dark and mysterious side, which got him killed in the end…

    Don was down to earth, and thought about life a lot, especially a memory that stuck in his mind from when he was a little boy. He couldn’t remember if it had been a dream or not, but often thought about it deeply, and sometimes expanded the scene.
    “We’ll be back.” – there would be some banging, things being thrown around, a young women crying and a practically invisible shadow. The memory was dark, and short. It didn’t trouble him enough to go to his mother and ask about it maybe it had something to do with the disappearance of his father?

    “Hey, you going to Matt’s party, right?”
    “Sure, why not, something to do.” Don replied to his friend Jason.
    “Great, I’ll pick you up at 7, we can gate crash, and rock the place”,
    “woohoo!” the comment lined with Don’s dry sarcasm.

    His beer tasted bitter. Don wondered why a cold bottle of Stella was his favourite drink, even thought it seemed so awful. ‘Oh well, down the hatch’, he giggled as he thought.
    “Alright my man!” Jason yelled.
    “Whaaaazzaaaa!!!” Don screamed back. His drink as defiantly getting to him.
    “HEY! Move, what the hell do you think your doing?”
    “Ouch, watch it!” random people spoke out as the front door of Matt’s house opened.
    “You.” A middle aged man pointed to Don.
    “Come outside, I want to talk to you. I’m NOT telling you twice.”
    Don instantly knew this wasn’t good. He was a skinhead, didn’t look pretty. The black leather gloves with sparkly dots didn’t look too pleasing, either. He got up, and walked outside, and everyone continued with his or her business, figured it was an old ‘friend’ with Don’s dope. Jason took Don’s seat on the couch and chatted with the people surrounding him.
    “Heh,” the man grunted. He hit Don. A full blow to the jaw, he stumbled and fell to the ground. Despite this man’s size he was strong.
    “Take this,” the man handed Don a yellow pill.
    “Eat it, now.” His tone sharpened, and Don did what he was told. A bad idea. What was he thinking?
    “Joshua, ring any bells?”
    “Uh… not really” Don replied.
    “You’re working for him, now, got that?”
    “Huh? Doing what, exactly!”
    “Delivering these, everything you need is there. Do what you’re told, it’ll be easier for you, trust me” He walked off.
    Short and sweet, eh? Inside the bag, a gun, small, cold, a wooden handle. Three bags were also inside the brown jiffy bag. One with a white powder – cocaine? The other with brown solid cubes, defiantly weed. And the third, 2 bullets.
    ‘What the hell!’ Don thought. There was also a note in the bag, with some addresses, and P.S. note: -

    “Get the job done, son. Don’t want history repeating itself. - Joshua”

    He was fascinated, and suddenly he sunk into the ground, and passed out.

    Don arose the next morning, in the apartment he and his mother shared, except his mum wasn’t around. The bag was sitting next to him a new note on top of the bag. “Time’s a wasting”. Don was confused, due to his massive hangover, he didn’t remember much from the previous night. He walked out of his bedroom. His mum’s corpse, lay in the centre of the living area of the apartment. 2 Bullets had been impounded in her. One in the chest, and one in the forehead. There was a vile stench, and puddles of blood around the corpse. Don fell to his knees and puked. What on Earth was going on here? Why? Was he tripping from the pill that he had induced last night? No. It was all real. “Good morning.” The middle-aged man form the night before, Don wearily remembered. “Welcome to your fate.”
    “Uh... Who are you?”
    “I am a business associate, with a friend of your father’s… You’re a lot more like him than you think, it’s a shame, and the way he’s dragged you down. Your mother is dead, and there’s nothing you can do.”
    “I can call the police, damn …” Don cut off, and he puked all over again onto the blood soaked carpet once more. The stench was sickening.

    I'm only about half way through, I'll try and do some more tomorrow, and post the second and hopefully last chapter!!


    [edit] just did some adjustments :)

    thanks for the advice!
  2. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Each time a character speaks, they get their own paragraph. Syntax and spelling need work too, among other things

    Other than that, it needs work. I'd suggest finishing it before asking advice, otherwise it's very hard to offer advice on things like character movement, plot development, flow, and the like.

    You describe Don in the begginning in one huge chunk, this is usually a bad idea. This leaves zero room for personal interpretaion (see, reader participation), and it is a little boring to read. It's better to show these things throughout the story, instead of force feeding it as a block to the reader. Spelling, grammer and the technical aspects are best left till completetion to work on (see also too tired to go through every mistake online at 11 pm...)
    Other than that; rough, very rough. Finish it, and then offer it up for scrutiny...

    (Can you spot the english major/writer? :D)
  3. Stupidnick


    Mar 22, 2002
    ...my room...

    I like the plot. The plot is very good.. Like Brenden said, do what he says. LOL...Fix it up a bit dude and add more.. make a book.. ill buy it. Thats my kinda book!
  4. you should read Merlin's short story he wrote about TalkBass and the people in it. Not in the same genre as yours (meaning I don't think anyone was killed) but well written and very reader-involving. Like Brendan said, the characters are described in one big block, so we can't really develop an opinion of the guy for our own thinking.

    notice that i didn't read the whole thing either? i realise it's written in the thread-writing box, but different ideas need different paragraphs; so your speech lines need to be separated.

    Sorry for being so picky, but you did ask. ;)
  5. I agree with Brendan's comments and also have some small nits to pick:

    "Don was much like his father, James, except he had a dark and mysterious side, which got him killed in the end… "

    IMO, lines like this are very anti-climactic in regard to the plot, which can work if you're going for some form of dry irony but doesn't fit well with the straightforward type of mystery/thriller you're writing. Leaving the reader in suspense as to Don's end would be much more effective. Also, the phrasing of the sentence is too obvious, making it almost uninteresting. Maybe Don's dark, mysterious side could unveil itself through the course of the story?

    Other than that, I'd definitely do some more character development. I realize it's a short story, though you didn't say how short (every teacher/professor has different requirements), so you may not have time to do much here.

    Finally, it's "definitely," not "defiantly." Unless you really meant the weed was somehow defying Don, which could be interesting.

    Feel free to disagree with any of the above, as it is only my opinion (except the defiant thing).

    Hope I didn't rip it up too badly; I think the story has potential and would like to see it turn out well.
  6. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
  7. Hahaha! great.. heeheheeh

    hmm.. i guess it does need a lot more work than I thought.. thanks for the advice. :)
  8. SlavaF


    Jul 31, 2002
    Edmonton AB
    Looks like a good plot!:)

    However, some problems: You keep repeating "Don". Use different sentence beginnings, with prepositions, verbs, etc, not just "Don..."

    Another thing, definitely don't say that thing about "Don was much like his father, James, except he had a dark and mysterious side, which got him killed in the end…" in a thriller type story. Gives it all away, IMO. Also, maybe try some stronger words. I think Munji gets it!:D

    Good work, though.

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