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Should I fire an overweight ugly guy that wants to steal our domain name?

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by mellowinman, Nov 3, 2013.

  1. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    This guy can't play or sing, and he hit on my mom several times, and then stood her up for a date, and she's 86. He killed my dog, and copyrighted songs I wrote in his name, and impregnated my sister and my wife, and my girlfriend.

    He urinated on my prizewinning roses, and told my pastor I worship Satan in my underwear, under a full moon, while drinking the blood of the innocent, which is getting harder and harder to find, by the way.

    He was never even officially accepted into the band, at all! He just started showing up at gigs, and plugging in one of those things you use for shining shoes, and insisted it be both mic'd and DI, and whenever someone requests a song, he yells, "that song sucks!" and throws little packets of ketchup at the audience member who made the request.

    I mean, I admit, he brings something very unique to the act, and he can play "the Battle Hymn of the Republic" with underarm farting noises, but people are starting to get sick of that, especially Judy, who also gets dizzy when she doesn't eat chocolate for a few minutes.

    So, he's been with the band for seventeen years; has never made a single rehearsal; sold all of us and our families bad life insurance; came to the Halloween Party at the Jewish Community Center dressed as Hitler; stole my car and drove it into the river, and then asked to be reimbursed for the gas money; sold our drummer's daughters into slavery; ate all the pie; killed a guy and put him in the keyboard player's trunk and then reported the car stolen while the keyboard player was making out with a supermodel in the back seat, and burnt the marshmallows that one time we went camping.

    Would you fire him?

    I mean, we've talked about this every time we've seen each other for the last twelve years, but we often wonder if we should just have a sit-down conversation with him, if he will stop putting his hands over his ears and shouting, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!" any time we so much as look at him.
  2. Joebone

    Joebone Supporting Member

    Oct 31, 2005
    Los Angeles
    Dag┬ůsounds like a natural-born bandleader to me!
  3. Maybe not, but he's metal.
  4. Desirsar


    Mar 1, 2013
    Hey now, some of those threads were serious and people really wanted some experienced input before making a decision!

    If he stood up your mom in order to kill your dog, I say give him another couple weeks/gigs. Put him on the covers of your albums forever if he made the dog into all the pies he ate.
  5. I don't understand the problem here. Could we have some details about what seems to be wrong?
  6. senp5f


    Jan 27, 2008
    Santa Barbara, CA
    Ha. Ok, but seriously now -- sometimes when you are in a relationship for a long time, things get wackier little by little and you don't notice the cumulative effect until you step back and try to explain it to someone else. I've had more than one girlfriend where, after some distance on it, I think, "how the hell did I ever put up with that?!?"

    The answer is that it didn't start out crazy, and only got crazy incrementally, over a long period. I think the same stuff happens with friends and band mates. So what if people need to post here to confirm with the outside world that their band mate is, in fact, a raving sociopath?
  7. Everybody deserves another chance. At least he didn't impregnate your dog.
  8. Yet.
  9. JimmyM

    JimmyM Supporting Member

    Apr 11, 2005
    Apopka, FL
    Endorsing: Ampeg Amps, EMG Pickups
    I think you should keep him in the band unless he shows up for a gig in a dress.
  10. Put a cowboy hat on him and keep him for a while. He'll probably ride off into the sunset in a bit. Oh yeah , now for the important question. Whats the best underarm farting technique for metal?
  11. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    Unless the ketchup packets are stolen from the bar or paid for with money diverted from the cover charge I don't think you have any grounds for firing him.
  12. So, you're saying he's not gay.

    I mean, I could see firing him if he were gay...
  13. MartinG1957

    MartinG1957 You can never have too many bones....

    Aug 5, 2011
    Dublin, Ireland
    He ate all the pies???
    That's outrageous, no way he stays man - unless they were quiche, then he did you a favour....
  14. mcarp555

    mcarp555 Guest

    Jul 14, 2013
    Uh... tort?
  15. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    Nah ... OK, a dress *and* a horse head mask, maybe ...
  16. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    But does he have a nice rig????
  17. Skeeter1


    Oct 24, 2012
    Finally! let it be known from henceforth, this guy is the best for Metal!
  18. gkbass13

    gkbass13 Supporting Member

    Mar 29, 2006
    Did he give up being asexual to pursue relations with carrots?
  19. Mvilmany


    Mar 13, 2013
    Upstate NY

    Tell me about it.
  20. Itzayana


    Aug 15, 2012
    Oakland Ca
    Fire him? Are you kidding? Just exactly what part of "artist" don't you understand?

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