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Should I/shouldn't I quit playing?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by Rumzini, Apr 10, 2006.

  1. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    I'll try to be as unbiased about this as I can, (try not to defend myself.) I work from before sun up to sometimes 6 or 7 pm. I also work the weekends part time, from 7am to 3 pm. . Reasons being so the wife can be at home and raise the kids and pay no babysitting. We have one car...I have it all the time. She's literally stuck at home as well. I practice wednesday and sunday nights. So far I've cancelled 3 practices because I couldn't make it...because she and I got into it about spending time at home. Last night it happened again. For 2 weeks, she had know that it was the night we were to begin recording a demo cd. Each band member had went and spent a bt a money for new equipment so that we can sound as best as we can. This was the only forseeable night to do this for at least 2 weeks....again, she knew this. So anyways...I tell her that I would like to leave a half hour early to get there and setup., 4:30 pm. She then proceeds to tell me that we had been invited to go to her sisters house for a cookout and that she wants all of us to go...which includes me. I remind her what's going on and that' was the end of it....argument on! It gets verbally ugly...ultimately I have no ride to practice...I call the singer, who lives near me for a ride. He has no voice so he isn't going...(no big deal the rest of us coulda laid tracks.) So I still have no ride...she dosn't want to go out of her way to drop me off...besides she dosn't want me to go period. So...practice was cancelled.

    I really don't know why I even try. Ever since I started the band thing...which is right about the time her and I met...there has been nothing but troubles about it. Always the same argument that I don't spen denough time at home. I'm there 5 nights a week...some 6.

    She wants a car..( I understand, so do I). She also wants me home from work at a regular time. Not gonna happen cuz I work at FedEx...each day is different...depends on what I have to deliver. So...since FedEx is my bread and butter...the part time is needed as well. the only thing that I have direct control over to free up time is the band...so I'm thinking of quitting cuz it's just gotten to hard.

    Does anyone have any adfvice to help us out? What have ya'll done to aid in getting your girl to be kosher with your bass playing?
  2. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    I guess it dosn't matter what I'm gonna do or not. I checked my e-mail after the last post and found this. I'ts outa my hands now.

    Mitch & I have come to the conclusion that Don & Skip are not very dedicated to the cause. Missing a recording session is like missing a gig, no exception’s barring injury or death. A band is a team (you know all for one, one for all) but I don’t see it here. We all agreed that Sunday nights were are main jam night. It was set up that way so as not to interfere with family life or anything else. Granted there will be exceptions but when were set to record, well you should know the answer to that. And weather your participating or not you should be there to support the team & give advice or insight.

    Decisions are being made & you will be informed latter this week what those decisions are

    End of message
  3. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Things always work themselves out. They decided for you.

    BTW....for your next band, hook up with a dude who can spell. :D

  4. Tony G

    Tony G

    Jan 20, 2006
    I would email them back and just respectfully bow out of the band. it sounds like you have way to much on your plate with your job and home life. Maybe find a band that is more relaxed and just enjoys a weekly jam, and understands your time restraints. I wouldn't give up playing entirely, but it sounds like you need to compromise, and your current band won't fit your needs.
  5. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    The thing is though. He is right. We decided that Sundays were our main jam night...recording was set for yesterday. She knew this....wwwway ahead of time. A couple of weeks actually. I'm the one that gets upset the most when somebody cancels on us. I felt like absolute trash last night cancelling on them. Especially arguing after I had cancelled.

    Of course I just gotta intensify the situation by calling my wife just now. She asks if I called just to make her feel like crap. Well...maybe yes, maybe no. Anyways we end the conversation with her hanging up on me. I'm ready to throw all my stuff in a big pile and toreching it! It has brought me many moments of musical bliss...yet so much more marital greif!
  6. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Put down the bass and work on your marriage dude. These pieces of wood we make nice sounds with are not more valuable than your family.

  7. Pruitt


    Jun 30, 2005
    Danbury, CT
    Dude, quit the band. It's not worth the marital hassles. Keep practicing and playing at home and research and possibly get involved with Online Musical Colaborations (http://www.artistcollaboration.com/index.php is one site to begin looking at). You get to create and get involved with new music from the comforts of home in your own time. :bassist:

    Best of luck with everything! I hope it all works out in the end!! ;)
  8. tkozal


    Feb 16, 2006
    New York City
    Do you have any hope of being signed for a multi-million advance?

    No, I thought not. Quit the band and play at home.
  9. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    I agree with the others. Quit the band. You simply can't dedicate enough time to it right now. It's just not fair to your other bandmates.
  10. BassChuck

    BassChuck Supporting Member

    Nov 15, 2005

    and... find some time when your wife can get out on her own. She needs some down time from the kids and being at home.
    Next thing to buy would be some kind of wheels for your wife. Whether or not she even uses them, knowing that she can pack up the kids during the day and get out will be a be stress reliever.

    But you will have to quit the band and not gig for a while, its just that way. I had to hang it up for 15 years. Luckily I got a good bit of studio work during that time that I could schedule around the family. Now some kids are grown, other are old enough to deal with things, my wife has a job she likes and I'm playing in a band again.

    This is a good time to practice patience.
  11. Wise words.
  12. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    No. I guy can dream though...right? And work hard at accomplishing it. Knowing the band has the talent, resources, and contacts to become a lil something. Maybe not multi million...but...

    This isn't the first time that I've given up something completely for her as well. It just seems that after this time that she would give allow time for me to pursue this.

    Alas...don't think for a second that I'm allowing your words to blow in the wind. I do hear them...understand them. I am leaning towards giving up. I think it would be best just to give up completely. I do not want my girls to be a part of a seperated family. This would be twice for her.

    Look for an ad in the classifieds. I do have a few nice things.
  13. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    Just because you quit the band (or get fired), there's no reason to give up playing entirely. Keep playing at home, and maybe get the kids interested in music. Then, you can play as a family.

    I was going to stay out of the family side, but consider this: You and the wife has made a decision to lead this sort of life for the betterment of your kids. While you are working hard and having to give up some enjoyment in life, she has too. Because of your situation, she is trapped at home 6-7 days a week. Personally, I would take a hostage if I were in that situation. I would certainly pitch a fit if you wanted to add two additional evenings to my home confinement. Work together to bring a satisfactory conclusion to this problem.
  14. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    Don't worry about staying out of the family thing, Guy. I want to hear/see all sides of this coin as possible.
  15. dharma

    dharma Srubby wubbly

    Oct 14, 2005
    Monroe, Louisiana

    This, too, shall pass. Keep your bass and the integral parts of your rig that you couldn't readily replace if an opportunity to play out or free up time presented itself to you.

    Otherwise, suggestion numero uno is a headphone amplifier and another sitdown heart-to-heart with your wife about having even 30 minutes every day to yourself to play.

    We're men. We never grow out of needing playtime.
  16. IanStephenson

    IanStephenson UnRegistered User

    Apr 8, 2006
    She wants to get out of the house sometimes - definatly reasonable.
    However you need to get out of the house sometimes too, and being at work is "their" time - not "your" time.

    Asking for a few hours a week of personal time seems pretty reasonable, and I wouldn't give that up. Perhaps you can negotiate to get one night for you, and in exchange make sure she gets one night out of the house to do whatever she wants?

    Make an agreement, get a calender and mark everything on - that way she can't spring the family event on you at the last minute, and you can both check that you're each getting a fair amount of time.


    P.s. I'd open negotiations with "I'm really sorry my band time upset you..."
  17. Rumzini


    Feb 14, 2004
    Jackson, MI
    In answer to the last two posts. 30 minutes a day has been out of the question. I get home after 8 to 11 hour days and the first thing I hear is how she has been cooped up while I get to go out all day. Hello! I was at work! Not like I was driving around place to place cuz I want to for enjoyment!...OR...loading over 2 thousand 40 lb packages a day Monday through Thursday...since the begining of January.

    Oh yeah I forgot. This all after she did have her time going to the bar with her sister anfd friends the last few weekends. Dosn't get her time...c'mon!? She also likes to get out during the week and go to the tanner...granted not alot of time, but...

    These are just random thoughts out loud...sorry to bug you guys.

    Otherwise the guitar player/brother-in -law says for me to take a few days and decide if I an commit 100%
  18. pontz


    Oct 31, 2003
    I'm no marital expert, and I doubt many here are. I can only offer advice from my experience. I was once in your shoes, and I quit the band. Even though my marital troubles were not directly related to me playing music, quitting the band made it clear to my wife that my priorities were at home. Music is my only hobby though, and my wife and I decided long ago that it was important to hold on to our identities and our passions even as we give up much of ourselves to each other and our children. So I never stopped playing at home and never gave up hope of having a band. The mariage thing is now cool and I'm starting a new band and have a gig backing up a local singer/songwriter. I rehearse twice a week-once out and once at home, practice at home at night after the family is sleeping,and play out once in a while. My wife is very supportive of the whole thing. I hope this helps.

  19. whitedk57


    May 5, 2005
    Franklin, NC

    I feel your pain! I was just recently asked to play bass at another church on Sundays. My wife had a big problem with it. She even stated that Sundays were are only day off together. I run sound at my church on Saturday nights, and she works late on Saturdays.

    We also had a big fight about it. But, I relented and decided that I would bide my time until I could possibly play at my church. I also play with some friends on Thursday nights for fun. I even offered that evening back to her in exchange for playing on Sundays - that didn't work either.

    The whole car thing is a big issue. When we first got married we had only one car. So, I know how that affects the whole dynamic. It's tough knowing that the other person is stranded at home, and it works in her favor as an arguing chip.

    I would have to agree that you might just have to back off a bit on playing in a band. However, I would practice more at home. You could always say that you gave up your band, but you're not giving up the bass.
  20. JansenW


    Nov 14, 2005
    Cambridge, MA
    Good idea! Make sure both of you are supportive of dates before they get committed to this calendar.

    Your family is your gig (now and 50+ years from now)!

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