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Shunned by former band mates and friends

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by BooDoggie, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. That totally happened to me

    45 vote(s)
  2. No not to me and it never will

    20 vote(s)
  3. Why should I care it's your problem

    13 vote(s)
  4. If you got no carrots you got no mojo

    40 vote(s)
  1. BooDoggie

    BooDoggie Typical Dumb-ass with a degree

    Mar 29, 2014
    Minden, LA
    This is more of a rant than anything else, but i thought i might bounce this off of the wall and see what comes back. We all know that the best therapist for any situation is to discuss your problem with a bunch of total strangers so here goes...

    It appears that most if not all of the people that I have played with over the last 40 or so years no longer have time for me whatsoever. Some of these guys I used to call my best friends. Even the mere mention of getting together if for nothing else just to catch up on what's been happening with one another is enough to send them scattering like cock roaches with more excuses than there are stars in the sky. Granted I know as we grow older priorities change and we drift apart as friends, but it is downright disgusting when you try again and again to reach out only to be met with lame excuses why it is not possible at this time.

    I was forced to sell all of my stuff including my basses, amps and PA gear to survive about 18 years ago. I moved to a different city I didn't know anyone to work with and was only able to find a church gig just before that. Now I'm just a guy with a beat up old guitar that still has the drive to want to create music. I have a background in classical music as well as rock, southern rock, some jazz and country music. I write my own stuff and record at home for my own benefit, but i would dearly love to have other players to work with and bounce ideas off of...

    It really seems that I was only a friend and musical talent of convenience. Some of the guys I worked with in 5 or more bands over the years suddenly don't think I have the skills anymore to be a part of their projects, and they certainly don't want to be a part of anything I am doing. Could it be that because I used to own a truck and trailer and a crap load of PA gear that I was plenty good enough? Or is it that my innate knowledge of electronics and sound reinforcement made me a viable player and now that I no longer have the gear I am no longer good enough? Maybe they are all just intimidated because I decided to try to better myself and got a college degree and found out that I am not only talented as a musician but smart as well... I just turned 60, but I can still play just as well as I ever could.
    GreyEagle, Rum Ham, EWH and 10 others like this.
  2. Lesfunk

    Lesfunk Supporting Member

    Those people are not true friends.
    I’ve played with many over the years.
    Some have been coworkers
    Some are like family.
    It’s just the way that it is
  3. Oops, that sort of attitude will drive them away fast.
    I hadn't seen my former classmates in a few decades & at our first reunion I opened with the fact that I'd just come back from working in Asia.

    I think many of them resented me right off the bat, because they'd never left the state, let alone country.
    It's not my imagination. A few of them were almost snotty during the course of the night, bringing up the fact that I lived abroad as if I should be ashamed of it.

    Getting together with those folks is only viable for the ones who are still in their rut, drinking & smoking their money away & wondering why they're broke all the time.
    The rest have moved along & have responsibilities, so it's like you mention. They haven't got time.
  4. BooDoggie

    BooDoggie Typical Dumb-ass with a degree

    Mar 29, 2014
    Minden, LA
    I think the saddest part of this whole situation is that some of these guys are very talented and even still in working bands. What really chaps me is this one guy my age that is now living in his parents converted garage because he got caned from a job that he had for over 20 years. He can't get away to come by for a day, but he makes posts on facebook about going out of town for weeks to go to concerts and hang out with other musicians.
    EatS1stBassist likes this.
  5. Bassndrums73


    Mar 13, 2018
    Time for new friends.
  6. alembicguy

    alembicguy I operate the worlds largest heavey equipment Supporting Member

    Jan 28, 2007
    Mantis Tobaggan likes this.
  7. Stumbo

    Stumbo Wherever you go, there you are. Supporting Member Commercial User

    Feb 11, 2008
    the Cali Intergalctic Mind Space
    Song Surgeon slow downer software- full 4 hour demo

    I was jamming off and on for about a couple of years with some "old" friends that I had contacted after many years. Another "old" guitar player friend came on board and he kept telling me "you're not my wife" when I pointed out a few times that he tone was not good. I guess his wife must have complained a lot to him.

    He was up on the riser with his combo blasting below his knees into where I was standing (not on the riser).

    All of sudden, crickets. No emails setting up the next jam. Still, three years later, nothing from any of them.

    Also, around 2008 I spent time tracking down pretty much everyone I ever performed with. Did I ever hear from any of them again?

    Dredging up memories from decades ago doesn't seem to go over very well.

    Maybe some of them never accomplished what they wanted. Maybe some are embarrassed to be working as a handyman or big box store employee.

    Or maybe you were a jerk and they still don't like you. Or they don't have the same good memories of your experiences together. Or whatever.

    Gotta move on.

    Look forward, not backward. Make plans, do stuff, live your life.

    They are.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2018
    ScotRFM, skier 913, PillO and 16 others like this.
  8. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Yeah something bugged them about you that they didn't risk bringing up when you owned the PA. It's gotta be that.

    Find new people to jam with.
  9. LBS-bass

    LBS-bass Supporting Member

    Nov 22, 2017
    I'm of two minds on this. I do agree that maybe these people were never your friends. I also agree it's time to move on. But also, I've never assumed that people or friends were going to share my life's journey with me from start to finish. I can only speak for myself, but my own life has had phases, and in those phases different people have traveled through each phase with me. There are a handful of people I've kept in touch with throughout, but a lot more that I haven't. They were relevant for that phase, but they're gone now.

    My general rule of thumb is that if someone wants to remain in touch with me, they will demonstrate that. If I have to pull teeth to get a response from someone, that's not my friend. That's someone I can safely leave in the past. And that's what I do, and that's fine. Life will tell you when it's time to move on.
  10. oldrocker


    Feb 13, 2005
    Long Island, NY
    You haven't seen these guys in 18 years?
    Munjibunga likes this.
  11. BooDoggie

    BooDoggie Typical Dumb-ass with a degree

    Mar 29, 2014
    Minden, LA
    I saw the drummer and guitar player just last week when I dropped by their houses while on my way by. If they need me for something like a broken computer they will call me. But if I call them I get voicemail and they never return my calls...
  12. BooDoggie

    BooDoggie Typical Dumb-ass with a degree

    Mar 29, 2014
    Minden, LA
    Yea I know, I am seeing the writing on the wall and refuse to believe it. Maybe I'll just concentrate on doing my own thing for a while. Seems like a good time to finish a classical/pop rock piece that I have been working on for a couple of years now. I have written the entire piece by plotting midi points on a scale one trigger at a time. I have all of the string section parts nearly finished and a basic drum track.
  13. LBS-bass

    LBS-bass Supporting Member

    Nov 22, 2017
    Might be time to go out and make some new friends. I'm around the same age as you and I've just started getting involved again with the local music scene, though I'm in a different part of the country now. It is possible to make new friends, even at this age. Just put your self out there and network through music and you'll find people you have something in common with.
  14. Oddly

    Oddly Unofficial TalkBass Cartographer! Supporting Member

    Jan 17, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland.
    Sounds like the people you thought were friends were just using you.
    Move on, there's plenty of good folks out there.
  15. Okay, I'll be the *******; that is potentially a lot of people, over the course of a lot of time, to not spend a little introspective time on the one common denominator in all of this.
  16. Marc DLarosa

    Marc DLarosa Supporting Member

    May 29, 2017
    I've gotten this, only after saying... "No I will NOT be in your cover band, but... if You still wanna come over and play on some of My originals..."

  17. Self reflection.
  18. bdplaid

    bdplaid Supporting Member

    Aug 31, 2007
    I think most bands and members are like this. When I'm in a band with guys, the relationship is more intense and "daily." When things split up, IMO it's natural for folks who no longer have a common interest to go in different directions. I try to remain friends with the ones with whom I want to be, and work at, but sometimes they just never want to hear from you again. Whatev...

    Still, there are a bunch of guys with whom I shared some great experiences and we remained friends. Facebook has been a help there.

    But if it were me, and I couldn't re-engage with old bandmates (which has indeed happened), I just let them go and think they were never my friend anyway, just a co-worker, and move on to make new friends.
    barrenelly, Sixgunn and wmmj like this.
  19. Pulverizor


    Jun 14, 2018
    New Zealand
    Do you shower?

    Ouch! Just kidding.
    BassmanAsh, Sixgunn and squidtastic like this.
  20. 3bc

    3bc Supporting Member

    Mar 12, 2010
    Chicago Burbs
    I am a blunt person and while others have beaten around the bush I will not. Have you been a good friend to these people? A person these folks would want to make time for?

    I have struggled a lot in this arena myself. I was always introverted and arrogant, interested in accumulating knowledge and stuff because I thought both were important. I had a lot of close high school friends. In college my priorities shifted and got more isolated and ambitious. That continued for basically 10 years after college. Only recently have I reconnected with my old high school friends and gotten back into those relationships and things are good. But there was a good 10 year period where I didn’t make or have any good friends because I wasn’t a good friend.

    Humility, showing a genuine interest, having fun, generous with your time and affection, etc.

    If after deep self reflection you can honestly say you’ve done these things with these people, than somehow everyone you’ve ever done music with is a jerk. It seems at least reasonably possible that you were the guy with talent and gear and made sure everyone knew it, rather than just being one of the guys. There’s quite possibly a reason why they universally go out of their way for other people and not for you. And that’s coming from someone who spent a long time never just being one of the guys, and looking back I understand why a lot of relationships fell apart and I wasn’t building new ones. People want to spend time around people that make them feel good and they can have fun with.

    Again, not trying to be a jerk. I am simply trying to help.
    MarkJC8, barrenelly, Donzer and 27 others like this.

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