I stumbled on an old post about getting a bass home without your significant other finding out, and I gave this reply... it made me laugh so much that I think it deserved its own thread... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Ok... It's complicated, but here's the best way to go about sneaking a bass past the wife. It takes a week or more, so as soon as you make the deal, start this process. By the time it shows up at work, you'll be ready to pull off Step 10 that evening and not have any down time from delivery and bringing the blessed addition home. 1. Buy a disposable cell phone. The professionals in the CIA call them "burners" everyone else calls them "one from Boost Mobile" 1a Begin texting your own cell phone from the burner with things like "Maybe later? xoxoxo" "Miss U" "Cant wa8" etc. the more vague the better. 2. Purchase ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret. Throw it away, keep the receipt. Leave receipt somewhere your wife will find it. 3. Begin eating out at lunch, purchase your usual meal, plus a entree salad. Dispose of salad, keep receipt. Make sure receipts are found in your pocket on laundry day. 4. Purchase some lipstick and women's perfume... think garish colors and anything from wal-mart's fragrance counter. It's by Brittany? YES. I like where you're head's at. 4a. Mist your clothing with the perfume. Put the lipstick on and kiss your own collar. OH stop it. It's not the first time. You don't remember that drunken weekend in Vegas, but I do. WE ALL DO. 5. Repeat step 1a. 6. OPTIONAL. Use vacuum cleaner hose, attach to neck, (Yours, not the bass') allow suction to create a LIGHT hickey. This is going above and beyond, but It's really going to sell the reveal. 7. Repeat step 1a. 8. Change rehearsal night. Add rehearsal if needed. DO NOT INFORM your wife ahead of time. If asked, "I told you last week, you forgot" This works best if you repeat step 1a and abruptly leave the dinner table to go to "rehearsal" 9. On the "NEW" rehearsal night go to that motel out on the highway with the fences around the parking lot. TAKE THE BASS WITH YOU. Get room for hour or night, which ever applies. Pull back the covers, nestle the bass on the pillow. Dim the lights. If you have a velvet smoking jacket, wear it, but don't go overboard and buy one, save the money for new strings. 10. When your wife busts down the door with a .357, SCREAM LIKE A GIRL and shout "It's just a bass! I JUST BOUGHT A NEW BASS!" DON'T SHOOT THE BASS!" 11. If no one has shot or been shot, calmly say to your wife: "Hon, I need to tell you something: I bought another bass. I know this is a shock to you and you NEVER thought I'd do something like that, but considering the alternative, it's not so bad now, is it?" FOLLOW UP: If you bought the room for the night, get comfy You'll probably be staying there.