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Sneaking A New Bass Into Your Home

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by OnederTone, Dec 27, 2013.

  1. OnederTone

    OnederTone Aguilar Everywhere Gold Supporting Member

    Aug 15, 2002
    Thornton, CO
    I stumbled on an old post about getting a bass home without your significant other finding out, and I gave this reply... it made me laugh so much that I think it deserved its own thread...

    Ok... It's complicated, but here's the best way to go about sneaking a bass past the wife. It takes a week or more, so as soon as you make the deal, start this process. By the time it shows up at work, you'll be ready to pull off Step 10 that evening and not have any down time from delivery and bringing the blessed addition home.

    1. Buy a disposable cell phone. The professionals in the CIA call them "burners" everyone else calls them "one from Boost Mobile"
    1a Begin texting your own cell phone from the burner with things like "Maybe later? xoxoxo" "Miss U" "Cant wa8" etc. the more vague the better.

    2. Purchase ANYTHING from Victoria's Secret. Throw it away, keep the receipt. Leave receipt somewhere your wife will find it.

    3. Begin eating out at lunch, purchase your usual meal, plus a entree salad. Dispose of salad, keep receipt. Make sure receipts are found in your pocket on laundry day.

    4. Purchase some lipstick and women's perfume... think garish colors and anything from wal-mart's fragrance counter. It's by Brittany? YES. I like where you're head's at.
    4a. Mist your clothing with the perfume. Put the lipstick on and kiss your own collar. OH stop it. It's not the first time. You don't remember that drunken weekend in Vegas, but I do. WE ALL DO.

    5. Repeat step 1a.

    6. OPTIONAL. Use vacuum cleaner hose, attach to neck, (Yours, not the bass') allow suction to create a LIGHT hickey. This is going above and beyond, but It's really going to sell the reveal.

    7. Repeat step 1a.

    8. Change rehearsal night. Add rehearsal if needed. DO NOT INFORM your wife ahead of time. If asked, "I told you last week, you forgot" This works best if you repeat step 1a and abruptly leave the dinner table to go to "rehearsal"

    9. On the "NEW" rehearsal night go to that motel out on the highway with the fences around the parking lot. TAKE THE BASS WITH YOU. Get room for hour or night, which ever applies. Pull back the covers, nestle the bass on the pillow. Dim the lights. If you have a velvet smoking jacket, wear it, but don't go overboard and buy one, save the money for new strings.

    10. When your wife busts down the door with a .357, SCREAM LIKE A GIRL and shout "It's just a bass! I JUST BOUGHT A NEW BASS!" DON'T SHOOT THE BASS!"

    11. If no one has shot or been shot, calmly say to your wife: "Hon, I need to tell you something: I bought another bass. I know this is a shock to you and you NEVER thought I'd do something like that, but considering the alternative, it's not so bad now, is it?"

    FOLLOW UP: If you bought the room for the night, get comfy You'll probably be staying there.
  2. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    Isn't easier to just teach your wife how to play bass> Then give her your old bass to play and then you get to buy a new one for yourself.
  3. Dug2

    Dug2 Supporting Member

    Sep 24, 2011
    i would not have made it past #4
  4. Kmonk


    Oct 18, 2012
    South Shore, Massachusetts
    Endorsing Artist: Fender, Spector, Ampeg, Curt Mangan Strings
    I honestly do not understand why anyone would have to sneak anything into their home. If your significant other doesn't support your interests, maybe they are not the right person for you. My wife actually buys gear for me.
  5. I would have just put it in the attic for a couple of day's then said I think I might break that old bass out for practice. When she says when did you get that. I would have said years ago on a trade you don't remember?
  6. Casting Thunder

    Casting Thunder

    Oct 7, 2012
    I remember seeing #6 on 1,000 ways to die, or whatever that show is.
  7. Mike Sorr

    Mike Sorr "Play I Some Music" Supporting Member

    Oct 24, 2012
    Brick, NJ
    I just backed out of a deal on a P Bass because my wife noticed I was on Talkbass and said, "I hope you're not buying another bass!" She thinks I have a sickness.
  8. mam1862

    mam1862 Supporting Member

    Nov 10, 2008
    Northfield, Ohio
    +1 times 10.
  9. rust_preacher


    Dec 17, 2009
    If I do this with a mandolin, will it make me seem more guilty?
  10. Couldn't you just shove the new bass down the front of your pants, tuck the neck under your shirt and when your wife asks, just say you're really REALLY happy to see her?
  11. Gaolee

    Gaolee It's all about the polyester

    Tell her you are thinking about taking up racing motorcycles. Let that sink in for a while. Then say you changed your mind because this new bass came along and you decided to go that way instead. It only works if she's convinced you will take up racing. Or, if you did something like that before and say you are thinking about doing it again.

    If that's not convincing, I'm on board with the stuff it in your pants and say you are happy to see her technique.
  12. Hapa


    Apr 21, 2011
    Tustin, CA
    Get off the internet. Please.
  13. Matthew_84


    Nov 7, 2010
    +1. Mine too.
  14. vmabus


    Nov 1, 2013
    Buy used gear:
    "Did you get a new bass?"
  15. ArtechnikA

    ArtechnikA I endorsed a check once... Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 24, 2013
    If you liked the original post, I suggest "How to derive the maximum enjoyment from crackers" from _The Mason Williams Reading Matter_. It's out of print but there are still copies to be had on the secondary market.

    Clearly (IMO) the inspiration for the original story...
  16. My wife also buys my gear not always happy about it :) but understands the need to keep me rocking. Now gas is another issue I had to plead with her for bass #10. She and I share our favorite # 13, so I am going to try to work that into the begging process next time I am gassing over a bass guitar. You got to have a plan man!
  17. NWB


    Apr 30, 2008
    Kirkland, WA
    Is this a gig story?
  18. kcole4001


    Oct 7, 2009
    Nova Scotia
    I'm thinking the alternative residence may become much more permanent.
    Start pricing long term hotel suites....
  19. MrYellow


    Dec 30, 2013
    Just hope your wife doesn't have a TalkBass acount, otherwise your boned.
    ...Of course maybe she read this topic to find a way to sneak her new Rickenbacker you've always wanted past you.
  20. Reptileroundabo

    Reptileroundabo Polka till you puke..

    Jul 15, 2009
    Chardon, OH
    Tell her its worth more than your paying for it, and that you intend on flipping it. Then let her see how much you like it. Look sad when you tell her you might have a bite on it. If she has any heart at all, she will tell you to keep it if you really like it. worked for my grandpa (boats), works for my dad (motorcycles), works for me. Only works if you aren't really hurting for money and your mortgage is not late.