So this rteally sucks

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Selta, Jul 26, 2005.

  1. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Ok, so loads of people complain about their girl problems here. I guess it's my turn to do so now too.
    Here's my situation:
    Dated a girl for 10 months, give or take... we broke up last June. I ended it. My reasons for ending it were very stupid, and in hindsight I realize that. Anyhoo, we were still great friends until about January... then things got pretty rough for a short while. Then, things were OK for a couple of months, then things got very bad. We wouldn't talk to each other, anytime we would attempt to, it'd just end up in an argument, hurt feelings, and more seperation between us. She has another boyfriend now... and for some reason that hurts me (moreso back in January, which is when I found out about him than now), quite a bit also. So, the summer rolls around, and I'm home. Things are OK somehow... I took her out to eat one night even. Then, again, the **** hits the fan...
    About twoish weeks ago a mutual friend had a birthday party. We were both there. I was standing and talking to one of my friends (and mingling with some people I didn't know or haven't seen in a long time) when she comes over and says "Hi, what's up?", I turn my head and say "Hey nothing, you?", at this point, she just turned and walked away. I shrug it off, I tell myself she just got pulled away by somone else. A couple of times throughout the evening I would make eye contact with her, smile, and once or twice I waved. Everything went unnoticed to her. When she left, she came over and said some sort of goodbye, and it's at this point I tell her "Don't try talking to me now." Obviously a bad choice of words, but she had me somewhat upset ignoring me all evening.
    So, we don't talk, then we start to talk once again. It's this time that I'm trying to figure out the puzzle. I want to know where things got so sour that we went from being "wonderfully in love", to this.
    The other night, I sortof explained my feelings for her. Yes, I still love her, however that works. I still care very deeply for her, and this entire situation has me in tears almost nightly. She makes it quite clear that we'll never be together again also... well, the "being friends" thing hasn't worked the couple of times we tried it, and honestly, it hurts me a lot when we're talking just as if everything's fine... I have to disregard my feelings and just pretend I'm cool with being friends. Again, I'm pretty sure she knows excatly how I feel about her...
    Well, about two/three days ago, I told her that it's just hurting me too much to be just friends, and that I thought it would be best if we didn't talk. I didn't mean permanently, but I realize my words must've suggested that. I really felt I just needed more time to get over this. Anyway, the next morning she had IMed me. I was rather confused by this, and when I asked her about it in the evening, it just led to an argument. At the end of the argument, it was pretty much settled that we'd never talk again. This led to thoughts of suicide, but know that I never did anything more than think about it (and haven't even thought of that since). So, today, in hopes that we'd somehow be able to talk... I IMed her asking her if she watched the shuttle launch (hey, it's a big thing in my life...) and she just completly gave me a cold shoulder. She then just left suddenly, which well, pissed me off to the point where I called her. Well, she just said the way that I treated her was horrible, and that she doesn't even care enough to be friends anymore. I realize that I wasn't excatly always being nice, nor fair, but c'mon, friendship is a two way street! So, I don't even know what to do anymore...
    Anyway, I just lost my train of thought... can anyone out there give me any words of sound advice? I do'nt want any kind of degrading posts, or "DUDE you should just totally get over her" crap... just, advice on what I should do now. I did tell her that if she cares at all to call me... though I'm almost certain I'll never get that call. Anyone care to help me get back to a somewhat normal life? :(

  2. UnsungZeros

    UnsungZeros The only winning move is not to play.

    Write a song about it. :bassist:

    Bleh. For what it's worth, I think you should just back off, at least for the moment. Restoring your mutual love probably isn't too likely, but I'd say there's a chance of salvaging a friendship out of it. Just cool down for a bit and don't talk to her for a little while. It will allow you to collect your thoughts and prevent you from doing/saying anything stupid. She's probably pretty upset with you too, so it will give her some time to cool down.

    Yeah, my advice is useless. Bleh.
  3. cassanova


    Sep 4, 2000
    Ray, I feel your plight, I really do. You're absolutely right about friendship being a 2 way street. If you are giving more than you are getting in return, then its time to walk away.

    I was/am going through a similar situation with my ex. I've attempted suicide over this bitch too. Thats definately not the right decicion, so please try and put that thought out of your head as much as you can. If you cant, you know my cell #, dont hesitate to call it.

    Its never an easy thing walking away from someone you love. Believe me I know. In fact a break up has the same effect on the body as when someone close to you dies. You go through the same stages or grief and the physical aspects are all the same too.

    Ive had many friends, including you, tell me "move on, dont look back, forget the bitch" well for the most part, I'm taking their advice. I wont lie to you, its not an easy thing to do, but you seem like youre a pretty strong fellow, so as Dr Mike once told me, "Nut Up" there are so many woman out there that its just not worth being down about one, you will find someone else and soon. You're a decent looking dude, you should have no problem meeting woman. Ya just gotta get out there and start to meet them.

    The ball is in her court now, let her come to you. If she does, then great, if not, dont sweat it because she obviously isnt worth your time. You deserve someone who's going to treat you great and who wants to be with you. In the mean time, try not to beat yourself up over this, go out, hang out and meet other woman my friend. They're out there, and if the next one you meet doesnt want you, than the hell with her too, move onto the next one.

    Again, from experience I know this is all easier said than done, but I know you, and if I can now finally do it, i know you can too. Just stay positive. Every single day of not talking to her makes the next day and day after that much easier.
  4. yeah, i'd say the same thing as unsungzeros. there is little chance of you two getting back together as the BF/GF thing. and it sounds like you both want to be friends, but you are both having problems taking it back down to the "just friends" level.
    i'd just cool it with trying to talk to her. if everytime you talk with her you end up feeling awful and hurt, is it really that good that you talk to her?
    you mentioned that she is expecting you to do all the work in the friendship. i have been there, and please trust me...if she isn't willing, then you are only wasting your energy with her. trust me.
    you really should look out for yourself right now, and really think about where your friendship is going with her. if it is only hurting you right now, there is no reason to continue it.
    if you need to talk to anyone, drop me a pm...i have been in the same position as you, and i got out of it. i could tell you more, but i don't want to go into detail to 35000 others on tb!

  5. James Hart

    James Hart

    Feb 1, 2002
    Endorsing Artist: see profile
    you could always start an emo band I suppose :bassist:

    just as a blunt outside view...

    you dumped her, she moved on...
    you're tryin to back pedal but she's already gone.

    J. Geils Band says it best...
  6. seansbrew

    seansbrew Supporting Member

    Oct 23, 2000
    Mesa AZ.
    I agree with the above. You have to put things in perspective and do what is good for your well being. Are your encounters with her good most of the time or bad most of the time? If they are bad then it is time to do something different. Back off and work on yourself. It would be nice if you guys could be friends, but that is not something that you can always control. It is not good that every time you talk to her you end up upset. This is not good for your physical and mental health. Occupy your time with something to help keep your mind off of her. Escape to your music, do something different that you normally don't do. Time will heal, just give yourself some time and do what is good FOR YOU.
  7. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Looks like you still want a romantic relationship with someone, and she is the most recent you are familiar with. I would suggest you try really hard to find a new girlfriend. She found a new b/f.

    This situation reminds me of the Aerosmith song "What It Takes". Although he got dumped in the song, consider this:

    When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.

    Get yourself back in the dating circles, find a new girl, you'll be surprised how fast those feelings start to fade away, and you'll find out what it takes to let her go.

  8. Tash


    Feb 13, 2005
    Bel Air Maryland
    That'll show her, running out to desperately start a new relationship when you are miserable over the loss of another one is always a healthy thing.
  9. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    I suggest a ritual of letting go. It doesn't have to be a drawn out and dramtic thing, it just has to be a tangible process that symbolizes it. Is it gonna fix everything right away? I'm afraid not. But it is a tangible action that you take that signals a new phase in life. Instead of thoughts and things that are difficult to sort out, a simple action can symbolize many of those thoughts and can begin the healing process.

    When I was in a similar situation, I was moving from Chicago to Colorado and while I was driving through Nebraska, I just simply took a picture I was holding onto and just let it fly out the window. From there, things just got better.

    Hang in there Ray.
  10. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Ok, question for those who have replied thus far. Well, first, let me thank you guys. Thanks for the help... it's not doing much yet... but soon I'm hoping some of the advice will sink in. Also, don't be afraid to be brutally blunt, I don't mind it. But, my question is, I have this box of stuff from when we were "us"... I never look in it (though I look at it every now and then..), but what should I do with it? Burn it? Give it back? Stuff it away where I'll never see it? Something else?

  11. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    Sell what you can to buy some new gear.
    If you have any nudie pics, you can send em to me.....I mean to Superbassman2000 :D

    If it's something valuable to her, like a family heirloom or something like that, give it back. It's the right thing to do. If it's yours, do as you please.
    Letting this stuff go is the ritual I was talking about. It's a tangible collection of things that symbolize your relationship. If you're gonna let go of the relationship, you gotta let go of the symbols. When you let go of the symbols, then soon thereafter you'll be letting go of the things they symbolize.
    Just let these things go, it doesn't really matter how. You can burn them and be destructive, and if you have alot of pent up anger then it might be a good cathartic. Otherwise, do something somewhat positive with them. If it's some special clothing or something, give them away to charity. If it's some pictures, just let em go. You can keep one or to two to memorialize a stage in your life, but there is no reason to keep a stack of em. IMO, I'd keep none, but that's just me. You can throw the pictures away, or give them to mutual friends who might want a picture of either of you for their mementos. Just don't keep em all around. As far as notes and things like that, just let em go.
    Fast forward into the future, say you do get married and start a new life with your lovely bride, do you want her to find a box of love letters and pictures that you have hidden away? How would you feel if you found an albums of pictures devoted to all her ex-beaus?

    All the stuff, just let it go.
  12. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Good call. Sorry to inform you though, no nudie pics. I think I'll just get rid of most of the junk, the notes and such, and give some of the things back, and keep this one pic of her and I, and prolly just, burn the rest... thanks...

  13. fr0me0


    Dec 7, 2004
    Winnipeg Canada
    i did the throwing the picture out the window thing to. Did wonders for how I felt. Things really looked up as far as dating went to. Like I mean that night I got a few girls numbers and I was going thorugh a dry spell after her. Nothing serious happened or anything with the other girls but i had some fun and froget about her and since I was done moping about her I could think about what went wrong and what I really wanted in a girl.
  14. UnsungZeros

    UnsungZeros The only winning move is not to play.

    Trashing the picture is great idea. I burned mine with a lighter and I let it shrivel up into ash. It felt great, like I had been released of something.
  15. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    Ray,'s hard, but you just gotta let it go...Jive's advice is right on, get rid of any and all "little reminders".

    Man, I got divorced after 13 years, totally destroyed me (there are several TBer's that will attest to the damage done). Best thing I did was to walk out of the house we'd shared, and leave almost EVERYTHING behind when I did so, start from scratch.

    Even better was moving to a new city...don't help that my job is AWESOME too!!! :D
  16. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Well, it was quite obvious to me that Ray is desirous of steady female companionship. In order to secure that, he will need to find a new female to share his heart with. It isn't about showing her anything. I don't make my suggestion as an attempt to gain some amount of revenge on his former lover. She moved on with her life and found a new b/f, and interests.

  17. Petary791


    Feb 20, 2005
    Michigan, USA
    Dude, I think she was playing with your head.

    You can never figure out women.
  18. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    Ya, me and my ex ended it kinda badly, and I feel like a douche for it... But it still had to end. I wish it was on better terms.

    She had a boyfriend again after a month or so... Which I thought was funny cause it was some dude that was humping her leg all the time, and then went and told her he was afraid of me when I told him to back off. Meh. Part of me thinks that was more of a revenge thing... kinda cute. :p

    Anyways. Ya, sometimes I miss her. Most of the time I dont... I think if it weren't for my parents taking my complaining to literally, and her parents and me getting a long better, we would probably still be together.

    I'd get back together with her if all parties could suddenly forget the way it was...

    So ya... I guess I still miss her.

    I don't know if it is because i "love" or "loved" her... I told her I did. Although I was never sure if I meant it.

    I've been just kinda dickin' around with a few girls the past few months... Just hanging out and watching movies, but still getting cuddle time and all that stuff... But I think a new relationship will let me really put the whole thing behind me. I can forget about wondering what me and her could have been, and be with someone else that makes me just as, if not more, happy.

    I wouldn't forget about her... but definitely move on. I still kinda feel bad when I hear something bad happened to her, and I want to make it better... but I'm not sure she wants me to be near here anymore.

    I talked to her today for the first time since we broke up, and she seemed OK... A little with-held... Ya. anyways.

    She is gonna do what she is gonna do... And you need to do what you wanna do. Get a new girl.
  19. kserg


    Feb 20, 2004
    London, UK
    So far you all suck and forgot the lessons you have learned from 80's movies... Thats right pull out your radio and do one of this...


    you do that and she will give you a pen!

    Oh i have nothing useful to ad to this... act like you dont care and she will want you back?
  20. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    I'll just slowly drive past her house one night in my Corvette, with something good playing... heh, that'd show her.

    No, really though, I'm not out for revenge or anything childish like that. I feel I'm above immature acts like that. I just want to be able to move on now... maybe not really jump into a relationship or anything, but just, get over this one. Thanks for all the help guys... if anyone has anything else to add, feel free to, I'm always open to criticism.