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Strangest Gig Ever....

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by bassmonkeee, May 2, 2002.

  1. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA
    I was recently chatting with the guitar player from my old college band, and we were talking about how we were amazed at the fact that we were still alive after some of the crazy gigs we played.

    I had such a great time talking to him, I thought I'd share my favorite story.

    We played quite a few fraternity parties for good money. I'm not a big fan of fraternities, but I say live, and let live, and their checks usually clear. :D

    One time, we were asked to play a show near Cairo, GA. Anyway, the party took place about 5 hours from Athens where we all lived. It was the middle of July. Anyone who has been in GA in July knows that it is about 100 degrees in the shade on a good day.

    As we drove to the spot, we were "lucky" enough to get caught in a torrential downpour for most of the trip. It stopped about 30 minutes before we got there. We get to the address they gave us, and it turns out the place is a Plantation that was around during the Civil War. They proceed to show us where to set up--turns out we are playing on the front steps of this giant Antibellum mansion.

    It's about 95 degrees, and the rain has made the air so damp that I can't even wear my glasses because they keep fogging up. We were all a bit fogged up from the drive, too, if you know what I mean....

    After dealing with the fact that we have 2 outlets to run the PA, Keyboard, and three amps, we are as ready to go as we are going to be. One of the first times I was truly thankful I had my Rockwood necked Curbow--the guitar player kept complaining about how his tele's neck was sweating. :D

    It starts to get dark, and the guests start to arrive. No one had mentioned that it was a theme party, and that everyone would be wearing Civil War Regalia. :eek: Apparently, this is the frat that Robert E Lee belonged to, and they were damn proud of that. :rolleyes:

    So, imagine if you will, 4 guys sweating their butts off on the front porch of a Plantation Mansion, playing in 100 degree heat after a rainstorm that left a nice, thick haze in the air to a bunch of people wearing Confederate Dress Outfits and giant dresses. It kinda reminded me of the scene in Apocolypse Now Redux at the French Plantation. It was like a dream.

    The band was playing our strange mix of New Orleans style blues and rock/whatever. It was a constant battle between the drummer and piano player (who both loved Phish), and myself and the guitar player (who absolutely couldn't stand them). So, we played Steely Dan ("Peg"), Zappa ("Camarillo Brillo"), The Beatles ("Dig A Pony"), Professor Longhair ("Tipitina"), a few other covers, and our original stuff.

    As the evening got went on, and the crowd got more drunk, some guy kept yelling out "Sweet Home Alabama" to the point where we were ready to throttle him. After a quick huddle, the guitar player (5' 2" 117 lbs) announces that we will, in fact, play "Sweet Home Alabama." Now, in spite of his small stature, this guy has one of the lowest, Barry White voices I have heard. In fact, he used to have his on Classical Radio show at UGA. Perfect NPR voice.

    We break into the crunchiest, most "metal" version of "Sweet Home Alabama" that has probably been realized, and is destined to take the place of the Mudshark in your mythology. With Barry White singing. The crowd was stunned, and actually more appreciative than I would ever have imagined. Mind you, none of us knew the song, but we actually faked it pretty well.

    During the set breaks, we hung out with the catering staff (they made a fine BBQ) more than the party people. They loved us, and they were obviously getting all of our snide comments from the stage that the crowd was not. :D I think they found the whole thing as ridiculous as we did.

    We packed up around 1 am (just in time for the rain to start for the ride home), and drove back to Athens laughing the entire way.

    Anyway, I tell the story better in person, but I am bored at work and thought I'd type it out. Sorry for the long post. Anyone have any funny stories (those of you who made it this far....)?
  2. Gabu


    Jan 2, 2001
    Lake Elsinore, CA
    No strange stories yet! But I liked yours. :) I am glad you put on a good show, wish I coulda seen it. Especially your rendition of Sweet Home Alabama. :D
  3. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA

    Thanks, Gabu. My one fear writing this thing was that no one would respond, and I'd have wasted my time for nothing. ;)

    Play enough gigs, and you're sure to get a strange one, sooner or later. If this thread survives at all, I'll post my story of the stripper who tried to give me a lapdance during a bass solo.

    No, I'm not kidding....:eek:
  4. Gabu


    Jan 2, 2001
    Lake Elsinore, CA

    No problemo!!

    Sheesh, my wifey might not dig on that too much. My story would go like this:

    I walked forward into the spotlight and began my bass solo.

    The audience began to get into it.

    One chic in paticular was going nuts and jumped on on stage.

    She began to rub up against me.

    My wife hit her with a shovel.

    My examines me to insure that I wasn't "enjoying it" too much, and if needed hits me with the shovel.
  5. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA

    Notice I didn't say "attractive stripper" and I did say "tried."

    Oh.....what I wouldn't have done for a shovel....
  6. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Oh the humanity!
  7. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000

    omg, how can you possibly concentrate???

    tell us!!! ill promise this thread will survive! :D
  8. Gman


    Jan 4, 2000
    Indianapolis, IN
    I don't have any stories, just thought you needed more replies for the time you spent typing yours.

    Good one. There have to be some more good ones out there.

  9. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA
    Thanks, GMan. I'm sure there have got to be plenty of people here with better stories than mine, too. I just hope someone shares.
  10. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin
    That happened to me too! Well, not during a solo, but while my band was playing "Got You (Where I Want You)" by The Flys (okay, you can quit laughing now), this chick was singing and dancing and grinding on my leg. She got so close to me, I literally didn't have room to get my hand between us, to fret my board (minds out of the gutter -- I meant my fretboard)! The other three guys got a thrill out of watching this girl then proceeded to kiss on my neck and rub my chest. When I leaned over to tell her that my girlfriend was watching and definitely would not be happy with this scene, she tried to kiss me full on the mouth!

    Man, is my couch uncomfortable!
  11. I've never had a gig quite that bizarro, but there have been plenty of times where I'll think to myself in the middle of the gig, "is this really where we're supposed to be playing?", sort of the 'wrong band/wrong crowd' thing. My new band has one upcoming. Our drummer's wife, without his knowledge, committed us to play her friend's wedding, for nothing of course. The bride is apparently a staffer for the governor of Kentucky, and he's going to be attending the wedding. This has mucho weirdness potential.
  12. You know what bassmonkeee's story reminds me of? That guy from Waynes World 2.

    "And there I was, searching for 1000 brown M 'n M's or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage" :D

    Great story man, keep 'em coming.

    "The owner and his son, that's another story. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes."
  13. Kraken


    Jun 19, 2001
    Aylesbury, England
    Funky Gig Story - I've not experience a spinal tap moment yet!

    But I just want to hear this stripper story - this is being built up quite a lot so it's better be good!!

    Just kidding, but do tell the story....
  14. A couple of years ago I was watching a friends' band play at a bikers rally. They invited some of the crowd up on stage to sing backing on Mustang Sally. Amongst them was 'Zowie' as we now know her.

    Her finale was to lift her T.Shirt and show the crowd her more than ample bare breasts. My friend (the bass player) remarked over the mic. that because he was behind her he'd missed out, so in the middle of the next song she lifted her T.shirt over his head ...and what's that AC/DC song.... shook him all night long? :eek: .... well ok for a few moments anyway. I think he had a bit of trouble holding everything together!

    After the gig, he was earnestly chatting to me, and didn't want me to leave him alone. It seemed Zowie was waiting right behind me! ;)

    Funnily enough... that rally is on again this very weekend, and his band is playing tomorrow.... I'll bet Zowie is there!

    I've played that rally a couple of times and I'm glad to say, nothing too eventful ever happened to me!
  15. Phat Ham

    Phat Ham

    Feb 13, 2000
    Oh no! weddings are supposed to be money in the bank.:D I guess a gig is a gig though.

    Now let's hear the stripper story:D :D
  16. I went to school at the University of Alabama, where you CANNOT play a show without someone yelling, "PLAY SOME SKYNARD!!!" I hate Sweet Home Alabama, have hated it for years, and if I can help it, will never play that damn line ever again (how much fun is it really to play D-C-G over and over and over and over and...)

    I played my share of frat parties, and the worst story I have is this:

    We were playing a dinky little frat party one weekend as a favor to a friend. We had everything set up and I was smoking a cigarette outside before hitting the stage. There were a couple frat boys sitting around talking about football (it's the south, remember??) and I started listening in on their conversation. They were talking about Shaun Alexander, our star player who broke all our records (he now plays for the NFL, don't know which team), and who also happens to be an African-American. Well, these frat boys were discussing how good a player he was and how much class he had. After a ten minute conversation praising Shaun, one of them finished the talks with....."yeah. it really is too bad he's black." The other guys agreed with several slurs (you know which ones I am talking about).

    I put my cigarette out in my beer, poured it at their feet, went back inside, grabbed my bass and left. I told my band what had happened, and our guitarist told them to f**k off. I never looked back.

    How's that for racism on the south?
  17. Oy, I hate to hear that stuff about Shaun Alexander. He's from my area. I don't know him personally, but he's a good friend of a woman I work with. He's a great football player (single-handedly kicked my alma mater's butt on several occasions), and a real down to earth guy, from what I've heard. He's coming back into town this summer to get married, and I'm pestering my friend to get me some autographs from him and the other NFL guys that are sure to be there.

    Maybe they should line up those frat guys and let Shaun run up the middle on them, and he and his front line could stomp their faces into the turf.
  18. Gman


    Jan 4, 2000
    Indianapolis, IN
    Good for you. I wish that we all would do that, even for people that are not famous. We have to teach our children different.

    Sorry for the editorial comment.

  19. haplo07

    haplo07 Guest

    Apr 13, 2002
    Tinley Park, IL
    I know your pain man, i know it all to well. My social lot is a bunch of forest preserve picnic area, biker (most wanna bes), beer swilling yahoos that always, ALWAYS has to hear skynard. i like skynard and all. i really do, but they made other songs besides Sweet Home Alabama. I just with they would listen to some of them.

    i know i need a better crowd to hang with. it's a work in progress. and there is nothing wrong with swilling beer, just wish they would drink more than they spill on themselves.
  20. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA
    Good for you. I'd have done the same thing.

    Okay, well, I didn't mean to build the stripper thing up that much. I hope you won't be disappointed...

    Here goes:

    Same band. Same summer. Different crazy gig.

    We had an invitaton with a small club on Tybee Island near Savannah to play two nights in a row on weekends. Guaranteed money, great seafood for free, free accomadations, and days free to goof off on the beach.

    Apparently, the band had played there a couple of times before I joined the band, and they (drummer and keyboard player) kept going on, and on about how sweet it was. The guitar player, who had the most touring experience of us all was 'grizzled' to 'magical' gigs, and told me he was suspicious--sounded too good to be true.

    We get there on Friday night around 6pm. The place is literally a SHACK near the beach. The place for us to stay was "taken care of," and the food was really damn good. The wiring was so bad at the place that my power conditioner was showing the voltage as about 101 V. It's the only time I have ever seen the display go into the red and stay there. It might have been my imagination, but I am pretty sure that the lights dimmed in the bar when I hit a low B.

    I keep asking where we are staying throughout the first night's gig. "Don't worry about it," was the answer. Guitar player and I are starting to get peeved. Finish the gig at 2:30am, and the two of us are tired, and want to go to sleep.

    We walk outside, and say, "Okay, where's the hotel?"

    "No hotel. That's where we are staying." He's pointing at a houseboat docked about 75 ft from the bar. Sounds nice--in theory. Ugh. Nothing like trying to catch some shut eye on a rocking houseboat no bigger than my living room on a "bed" that is, I kid you not, the BREAKFAST NOOK cushions pushed together. Now, I am 6' 2. I don't FIT in the breakfast nook, but that is the biggest option, and I get it because I would have killed anyone else trying to snag it.

    Did I mention no air conditioning, or windows that open? Savannah weather in July, on the water, no AC. Big Angry bass player.

    Okay, the next morning, I shower in the Hobbit shower (smells like a cross between rotten eggs, and chlorine....ah, the rock and roll lifestyle...).

    Both the guitar player and I are pretty adamant about No Hotel/ No 2nd Gig. The bar agrees, and get us a room in a local dive. Not the Ritz, but not a rocking floor, either.

    We spend Saturday on the beach, and everything is happy with the world. Nothing like a beach full of mostly naked hotties to make you forget about a bad night's sleep. And, nothing like a dip in the Atlantic Ocean to wash the stink of a dirty water shower off of you. :D

    Saturday Night

    Okay, I am in a much better mood (2 dozen free shrimp--yum) and we are about 40 minutes into the set, and all is going well.

    And, then, she shows up on the arm of an old, bald guy (otherwise known as the rich guy). She looks like she has seen better days in her too tight white top, overinflated silicone chest, and orange leathery skin. She was probably attractive once--my guess is the first term of Ronald Reagan's Presidency.

    With this band, I would often sit while I played because it was more comfortable with a heavy Curbow and a small stage. Unfortunately, this available 'lap' triggered some Pavlovian response in the arm candy, and she began to gyrate in front of the stage. At this point, we were all simply amused ("Tee Hee. Look at the old stripper/escort.").

    We began to tire of her antics, and tried to figure out a way to make her go away. The keyboard player took this time to say, "Bass solo!" Maybe he thought she would go away when I was doing my thing. Apparently, she was moved by my performance, and wanted to show her appreciation. :rolleyes: Seh wiggled her way onto the platform (stage is too kind for this thing), and I was like a deer in headlights. Soon, I have more butt in my face than I would care to remember, and the guys are having too much fun laughing at my predicament to actually start playing, again.

    She turns to face me (crowd goes wild--I don't know if they were enjoying the show, or if they were just glad she turned to face the other direction...), and starts to unbutton her shirt (dear god, make it stop).

    I think to myself, "Whatever I have done, I apologize. Surely, she will stop soon, and leave, right?"

    She gets a look on her face that I've seen on lions on National Geographic--the only difference between me and the antelope was that I was too dumb to run. She mistakes my wide eyed stare (ie stark raving terror) for joy, and decides to sit in my lap.

    Reflex kicks in (STAND UP, DUMMY!), and I shoot out of the chair, unplugging my bass in the process with a nice, loud POP. Matt (guitar) takes pity and plays a big chord, and the drummer plays something to denote SET BREAK.
    She leaves the stage when her "man," apparently paying by the hour, comes and collects her. He is my hero.

    My options at this point are to slam back two, or three shots of tequila, or cower under a table in the fetal position. I choose the first option.

    Amazingly, the second set went fine. :)

    I just made sure I stood the entire time. Shoulder be damned.

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