The Book Of Jobbing

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Gard, Oct 7, 2000.

  1. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    A good friend of mine just e-mailed this one to me. Some of you won't find it as funny as I do, but any "jobbers" will appreciate it, having lived through most of this stuff :D...

    And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for
    suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in
    those days there were not many, and those that he could find were
    already working. Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and
    some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played
    behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago.
    So Nebulon did return to the Lord and sayeth, "Lord, there are many
    musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing.
    And the Lord did say, "Schmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you
    call the Union?"
    And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially
    low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?"
    And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying "Leave me to
    think on this!" And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague
    of locusts on Egypt.
    And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over
    the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels
    did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed
    Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play the
    horn with the slide.
    So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad
    news, and filled with wrath he was. "How can this be? At one time
    the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with maggots!"
    And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have
    become leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader."
    So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the
    answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of
    his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it
    had been used to create golems, for which there had been no great
    demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, "We
    can retool, and start turning out Sidemen."
    And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly
    line. But somehow a remnant of the golem program remained, and the
    Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and
    stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some
    would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their
    hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga. And some wore
    the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs,
    or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles.
    And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly
    looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the
    hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some
    loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And
    some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their
    eyebrows should be. And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco,
    Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal
    food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined.
    And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the
    Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not
    Blow. And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills.
    And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in
    the Outlook on Life.
    But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman-one
    who followed orders without question, one who showed up on time, one
    who wore the Toga, one whose chariot always ran, one who Knew Tunes.
    But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides
    their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring,
    and knew not how to Hang.
    And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for
    Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing
    each other in the back.
    And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do."
  2. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Staff Member Supporting Member


    Were most of those perfect sidemen bassists?

    I've never been a leader, but have known many who went through the travails of jobbing, and most of the reliable, with it, on time sidemen were the bass players.

    [Edited by embellisher on 10-09-2000 at 10:10 PM]