Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by ebozzz, Jun 22, 2002.

  1. ebozzz

    ebozzz Supporting Member

    May 17, 2001
    Denver, Colorado
    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision,
    but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...
    definitely pre-C.B.S.
    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
    very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would
    later try). And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And
    lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and
    he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the
    earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be).
    And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his
    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it
    was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it
    was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came
    to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
    of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a
    breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something
    like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like
    the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not
    so pleased.
    And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice
    of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the
    bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and
    the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but
    that's another story.) And God heard this -- how could He miss it -- and lo
    became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I
    wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass
    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now
    he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets
    off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers
    upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon' the neck. And, in
    his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he
    played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens
    rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
    And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall
    create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think
    of. And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they
    shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to
    always stand next to the drummer."
    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
    make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
    instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than
    the bass. And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all
    the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes.
    And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but
    really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your
    solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your
    days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in
    like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo,
    everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    And it was so.
  2. too long...
    "if I wanted to read a book. I'd go to school" -Butthead
  3. nice. but the guy above me's (^^^^) sig sums it up perfectly.
  4. i have read that befor.its from some ones book
  5. supergreg


    Jan 20, 2002
    Your not the worlds most masculin man?
  6. Fear and Loathing is a greatmovie and all but were the bufflo rome is better.did i spell the title right o well
  7. Intrepid


    Oct 15, 2001
    Hum...Flea must be jesus come to free us of the low-end tyranny?
  8. flea? what about claypool. his licks be crazier than the licks of flea.
  9. were they on the head of a pin? :D

  10. Intrepid


    Oct 15, 2001
    I happen to not like Claypool...Flea's licks are just awesome, Claypool's are just wierd.
  11. lowb


    Jul 27, 2000
    London, UK
    So What rath are we all gonna suffer because of JT and all his multi stringed beasts eh??
    :eek: :eek:

    I'm taking the next flight off this rock :D

  12. Ebozz, What the f*ck 'ave you been smoking eh?!?!?!?! Certainly haven't been smoking in a bar in california.

    So the angels that danced... are they now funkin' it out down in hell?
  13. ebozzz

    ebozzz Supporting Member

    May 17, 2001
    Denver, Colorado
    I just got that in an email message from another bassist. I thought someone might find it to be humorous. I haven't smoked in a LONG time. Family life seems to have that effect on most parents. That's especially true when you're trying to help your kids to avoid some of the mistakes that you've made in the past so that hopefully their lives will have a more positive spin.
  14. iplaybass

    iplaybass Guest

    Feb 13, 2000
    Germantown, TN
    I think it's from one of Tony Levin's books, if I'm not mistaken. I love that story.:D
  15. it is i cant rember but i read that befor and it was from tony.
  16. gweimer


    Apr 6, 2000
    Columbus, OH
    Tony Levin printed it as the forward to his book, Beyond the Bass Clef.