The "Help Vince S. Move Out" Thread

As some of you may know from my past threads, my relationship with my parents, especially my dad, has never been that great, and it's been deteriorating even more over this summer. My dad has always been very disciplinarian and authoritarian, and has a tight rein over our house. He has expressly forbidden me from pursuing a career as a Paramedic after college and from moving out until I get a stable career that he approves of.

I have to work at the company he works for over the summer, and seeing his behavior difference is appalling. At work he is meek and lets co-workers walk all over him, so he comes home and takes out his rage on me and my family.

Tonight was another blowout: at dinner, he asked how many assignments I had completed at work today, despite him not being the manager of my department. I politely told him that I didn't feel comfortable discussing work matters with him at home since I don't agree with the concept of "bringing your work home", and he promptly blew up at me, telling me that I was lazy and probably trying to hide something, and that just because he wasn't my manager didn't mean that I could "disobey" him. He raised his fist to strike me but backed off at the last second. My mother started yelling at me as well, defending him and saying that I needed to tell my father what I did at work.

Later into the meal, my mother was telling us about an incident that occurred at a summer camp she is volunteering at, and how the camp director had to down play and omit some information to avoid trouble from campers' parents. I remarked that I thought that was morally wrong, at which point my dad exploded again, calling me a moron and saying that "lying is acceptable if you're protecting yourself". I found this statement offensively ironic as he had always taught me growing up that lying was wrong, and beat me for it. I remember when I was a child I'd get smacked around for doing something wrong like spilling a cup of juice on the floor, then get smacked around again for lying about it to try to save myself from getting hit, but I digress.

I know going back to college is less than two months away, but I want to move out from my parents' home permanently so I don't have to come back for the summers or school breaks. My dad glares at me all the time and looks at me like I'm filth, and basically tells me that he's ashamed that I'm his son. However with all this vitriol, he still forbids me from moving out and says that he'll "be the one to decide when I'm allowed to move out".

I'm not really in a position to support myself financially either; they're paying my college tuition, no steady job except two part-time summer jobs, medical and dental insurance under my parents, no car, and a bank account with less than 500 dollars that my parents have access to (theoretically they can strangle me financially if I just upped and left in the middle of the night by draining my account).

It's come to a point that I'm willing to make drastic changes like drop out of college to get out of here. I want to plan carefully and not make any rash decisions, and try to stay in college if at all possible because dropping out would be the biggest blow to my financial future. I am also on some student loans which would enter repayment if I withdrew from school. I don't know where to begin in terms of the whole insurance thing either.

I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful, since I do appreciate my parents paying my tuition. However, it's on the condition that I do what my father wants me to do with my life and career post-college, and I just can't handle that. I also can't handle living at home anymore, with the way my father treats me. It's a very toxic and hostile environment, and just this evening, I had a feeling--a feeling of dread and fear, that I haven't had of him since I was a little kid and he used to beat me for small or non-existent things.

Again, I'd like to plan a way to get out within reason and logic, but I'm willing to go as far as quitting college to leave if it comes to it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mostly, I need advice regarding medical/dental insurance, getting a vehicle, ideas of where to go and where to look for housing. Also, since I am 19, would it be legal for my parents to forcibly make me move back if I did leave? Without crossing over into paranoia land, it almost seems like the way things are set up now (being forbidden from purchasing a car, the control, access, and withdrawals from my bank accounts, etc.), my dad has me exactly where he wants me and could use those resources to strangle me if I tried to leave.

 

I have considered the military when I was back in high school, but I don't think that I am cut out for it. I have a heart condition which I have to see a cardiologist for yearly. I used to want to be a law enforcement officer and was a Police Explorer for a couple of years in high school. It turned out my heart condition is a disqualifier for a police career, so I'd assume the military would have similar health standards. Please let me know if I'm incorrect on this.

Also, I tried to reach out to my mom tonight, but it went downhill pretty fast. I told her I felt uncomfortable with the earlier incident of my father demanding me to tell him how much work I had gotten done at the office today, and her response was "your dad is your dad, therefore he is your boss at home and at work, and will be for the rest of your life. You need to obey him. You need to understand that."

She then said that she and my father think that I am unappreciative and selfish; I told her that I appreciated that she and my dad are paying for my college tuition and letting me live in their home. She said that if I truly appreciated it, I would do as I was told in regards to my future and career and "stop this Paramedic nonsense".

I will look into opening a second bank account. The problem is that I can't deposit my paychecks into it, since my parents will ask where the money is going as they monitor my account. Furthermore, even though I am depositing paychecks into my current account, my parents' access ensures that they keep it at a certain amount for me to use as "spending money", but not enough to pay for anything "big", such as a car or to rent an apartment.

I'll also start to inventory some of my belongings and see what I need and don't need, and possibly put some things up on eBay to make some cash to put into the new account.

The biggest issue to deal with is the college loan repayments. I probably have close to 20K to pay back now with the loans my parents signed me up for; the loans don't enter repayment until I graduate or withdraw from college, so if drop out, I'm going to have to start paying within six months.

I have considered whether I should submit and stay the career and life that my father has chosen for me, and I do wonder if he's doing it because he truly cares. However, he has already made it clear to me in the past that he thinks that I'm a failure and "unworthy of being his son". I have not been welcome in his home for a while now; my younger brother is off to U. Penn in the fall to major in engineering, following the path my father prescribed for him to a "T". My father often says that my brother is the example of what a good son should be, and makes sure to rub it in my face every chance he gets.

 

I have about 60 college credits, and my Connecticut EMT-Basic certification along with three years of experience as an active volunteer EMT. Paramedic education is roughly one to two years depending on the frequency that class meets. Some EMS companies and departments will pay tuition for Paramedic school for their EMT employees, so that's something I wish to look into.