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The only married guy in the band

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Megazap63, Aug 11, 2012.

  1. Megazap63


    Apr 12, 2009
    London, UK
    As the title suggests, I'm the only one in my current jazz band who's married and owns a house (well, mortgage at least). I sometimes feel that some of the other (younger) guys treat me slightly differently because of this. The simple fact is that after a gig or rehearsal, when the others want to hang out 'til the early hours, I'd rather go home to a warm bed with my missus. While I will hang out for a quick drink or chat (very enjoyable end to the evening) I gave up the all-night partying years ago. None of the others have said anything, but I've sometimes got the feeling that one or two of them think I'm a bit antisocial. Anyone else experienced this?
  2. I experienced it both ways and can gladly say that it has almost zero effect on the band climate (in the long run). There are other things more crucial to how good a band works than hanging out with each other :)
  3. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    With me its slightly different; I'm the one with kids. Or rather, the guitarist has kids, but they're grown (one just graduated high school and joined the marines, the other is 25, and also our drummer). So I'm the one who has to protect family time and won't be spontaneous about getting together to jam on the spur of the moment or whatever. I had to draw some boundaries, but everybody gets it and it's worked out fine.
  4. jaywa


    May 5, 2008
    Iowa City, IA
    As long as your wife isn't actively trying to interfere with / control / obstruct band activities or being openly hostile to your bandmates, I can't see grounds for anyone to have a problem with it. Unless your wife's name is Yoko I think you're good. :)
  5. Staccato

    Staccato Low End Advocate

    Aug 14, 2009
    It's a mature vs. immature situation with some bands, and their members. You sound like a grown-up, or responsible sort of guy.
  6. MyMusic


    Jun 1, 2010
    Dover, De
    Don't change what you're doing. It looks like you've found that balance that a lot of people can't. Wifey is #1!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. deeptubes


    Feb 21, 2011
    Yeah, man. Bands are essentially a working arrangement. Family always comes before work. Anyone who doesn't understand that will when they are walking in your shoes. Some may call that whipped, but I'd rather go home and get some play than hang out with a bunch of dudes and get no play. Absolutely nothing wrong with getting your priorities straight.
  8. ChrisB2

    ChrisB2 Bass... in your fass

    Feb 27, 2008
    TalkBass > Off Topic
    I doubt if they think that. You're just being a little paranoid. Sure they may comment to each other about it, people do talk. But I wouldn't expect there will be any problems that come from it.

    Like MyMusic said, just keep doing what you're doing, be friendly and have fun!
  9. TBrett


    Nov 3, 2007
    Toronto, Canada
    I doubt they think that, too. If you took off immediately after with no chit-chat at all, then, yeah, they might think that. But you do stay and socialize for a bit, so who can fault you if you have other things to do? Our drummer tends to leave pretty quickly after practice and shows because he lives in another city and it takes him nearly two hours to get home. We understand this and aren't the least bit offended. When he can hang, he does, so it's not like we never get to socialize with him. I'd be surprised if your band felt any differently about you.
  10. grenadilla


    Aug 22, 2011
    I recently saw a bio on The Doors and Jim Morrison and towards the end Pam wanted him to do poetry without The Doors.
  11. Raymeous


    Jul 2, 2010
    San Diego
    If you're that worried about it... let them know about it or better yet play with it. Tell them after the gig that you can't stay all night because you got to go home and kick "Sancho" out of the bed 'cause it's your turn. You'll all get a good laugh out of it and if your wife happens to be a smokin' hot MILF nobody would blame you for bailing early. ;)

    (I know I know :rollno:)
  12. MegaSwing

    MegaSwing Your Obedient Bassist® Gold Supporting Member

    Nov 26, 2002
    Baltimore, MD USA
    Having a wife that you enjoy more than your buds is worth a ton. Don't question it, as long as there is no manipulation involved. Your bandmates are the ones operating at a deficit, not you.
  13. recreate.me


    Apr 2, 2010
    I think it depends on the band IMHO. I have been in a been where i was the only one with a girlfriend and 'nice apartment' (ie - not roommates or parents house) I would take off like an hour after our set finished while they all drank and hung out. After about a year i 'the talk' where they all felt that i was hurting the band by not staying to hang out, like i was no longer as close with them as they were and during all of those missed times they were talking about the bands future and song ideas and whatnot.
    They thought i was leaving because i didnt want to hangout with them and they would rather they had someone who wanted to be there friend instead of just the bass player.

    I explained that wasn't the case and made more of an effort and that all ended, but after long enough they all will become closer and you will be left out of those bonding experiences. Its exactly like highschool lol
  14. I think they might envy you because you have someone to go home to and they look to you as a moral compass.
  15. my last band ages ranged from 16 to 24 me being the old head. with 2 kids a house and a serious girlfriend. they all hung out together and went on trips without me, but never treated me as an outsider. occasionally they'd make band decisions when i wasnt around, which was frustrating on occasion but 4/5 of the band was together.

    i put in extra effort to hang out with them outside of practice just because it helped us be tighter as a band. even going to one of their parties for 30 minutes or so and they were very happy to see me...

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