The real myth of creation... this is great!

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Jon Chewning, Oct 19, 2000.

  1. The Life and Art of Bass Playing
    by Tony Levin

    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision,
    but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...
    definitely pre-C.B.S.

    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
    very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would
    later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,

    And he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through
    the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to
    be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his

    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it
    was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it
    was good.

    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
    practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of
    chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a
    Breeze through the heavens.

    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had
    created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture,
    which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke
    to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
    ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
    heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some
    of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

    And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He
    spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would
    have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now
    he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets
    off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers
    upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And,
    in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he
    played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens
    rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

    And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall
    create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think

    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
    play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always
    stand next to the drummer."

    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
    make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
    instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than
    the bass."

    "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other
    musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you
    play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really
    they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo
    career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days
    if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a
    thief in the night."

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
    bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    And it was so.

  2. Dude, this is already in the jokes thread.

    Still funny though, and I have printed it out for my bass friends at school.

    Rock on
  3. furtim


    Dec 12, 1999
    Boston, MA, USA
    Aye, it's fairly old for this board... but still QUITE funny. =)
  4. Ok so I don't get around the board much...