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The Temptation of Jaco-Mo

Discussion in 'Bass Humor [DB]' started by nicklloyd, Mar 27, 2006.


  1. nicklloyd

    nicklloyd Supporting Member/Luthier

    Jan 27, 2002
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Dug up this old chapter from the Book of Jobbing:

    Tales From the Bottom: The Temptation of Jaco-Mo

    Chapter 22 : The Temptation of Jaco-Mo

    How the Bass player became Perpetually Bored.)

    1) And it came to pass in the Very Loud Big Band a disgruntlement
    upon
    the bassist, Jaco-Mo, which he could no longer abide." I am first to
    arrive, last to leave and yet receive no more shekels than the
    saxophones," he thought unto himself. " "I must toil like a galley
    slave, pulling a very large oar for the horns, only to receive their
    scorn, and exhortations to "dig in". "This while they "walk the bar"
    and
    play all manner of preening blather, chorus after chorus on
    "Choo-Choo-Cha-Boogie" and the hated "Caledonia". All this began to
    chafe on Jaco-Mo in such exceeding fashion that he did stray from the
    written line and blasphemously "take it out".

    2) This provoked an outcry amongst the horns and especially the
    Female
    Vocalist Who Could Not Count until finally the Leader did chastise
    Jaco-Mo, "Lo, you have caused the horns great consternation, and led
    astray the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count three times on this gig. I
    have no recourse but to docketh shekels from your pay."

    3) One night after a particularly arduous engagement, Jaco-Mo sat
    disconsolately at the bar in his tuxedo, the Badge of Shame. Presently,
    a somewhat seedy character sidled up him. "Say man, you want a gig?" he
    hissed, "It's a trio, man, smoking, play whatever you want, solo on
    every tune, and we're done at 10 O'clock. C'mon man, lose the monkey
    suit! Free up, baby! "

    4.) And Jaco-Mo was sorely tempted, for he sorely wished to free up
    and shed The Badge of Shame, and solo on every tune. And so he agreed,
    and subbeth not his gig with the Very Loud Big Band. "I will surely
    show
    them, for I shall be sorely missed, " he thought. "Then they will
    appreciate the toil of Jaco-Mo."

    5.) The time came for Jaco-Mo to make the trio gig and he followed
    the
    directions to the club. "This is a very bad part of town, "he said to
    himself, as he double checked the locks on his conveyance. And the
    people on the street did look covetously on Jaco-Mo as he made his way
    up the street with his Bass, perhaps to separate him from it or the
    brand new turtleneck he had chosen for his raiment.

    6.) But the gig was all he had wished for. They played at fantastic
    tempos no human could dance to, they traded 4's, 8's, 2's, and the like
    and lo,they did "take it out" repeatedly. All three patrons of the
    establishment were duly impressed and stayed until the end, one even
    beseeching Jaco-Mo for a ride home.

    7.) Thence came the time of remuneration, and the leader did hand
    Jaco-Mo but 11 shekels ($4.37 US). As he did so he said," Swingin'
    baby, you down for Saturday night?"

    8.) Jaco-Mo was in a quandary as he walked to his conveyance. He had
    played what he wished, indeed, "taken it out", but had only enough
    shekels for Ramen and perhaps a gallon of gas. As he unlocked his ride
    he realized his CD Player had been plucked from the dash !

    9.) Now Jaco-Mo was miserable, and decided to drop by the Wedding
    Reception to see how the Very Loud Big Band was doing. At least they
    would be sorry and beg him to come back. As Jaco-Mo mounted the stairs
    he heard bass! Not real bass though, something not of the bass world,
    but somehow passing for bass. And as he reached the top of the stairs,
    there was the keyboard player, doing Jaco-Mo's job with his left hand.

    10.) Came the intermission, and the players did disperse to the
    buffet
    line, some with their Tupperware hidden beneath the Badge of Shame,
    that
    they might avail themselves of the repast at a later date, and avoid
    Ramen. Jaco-Mo threw himself on the mercy of the Leader, " My
    conveyance broke down, and I got here as soon as I could", he sputtered
    dishonestly. "I can start the next set." The Leader, having gone
    through
    many bass players, fixed his gaze on Jaco-Mo, and spoke unto him,
    "What's up with the turtleneck?"

    11.) The Leader spoke as thunder now, "If thou dost return, Jaco-Mo,
    do thy swear to not stray again from the printed page? "Yes!," blurted
    Jaco-Mo weakly (rent was due). "And thou shalt not lose the Female
    Vocalist Who Cannot Count again ?" "I promise," he groveled , for he
    did
    miss his CD player, and wished to be anointed at the buffet line, that
    he might avoid Ramen. "All right Jaco-Mo, as your penance, go to the
    Road Case and don the Powder Blue Badge of Shame for the rest of the
    gig. "And as a final warning he said, "Do not cross me again, son, or
    I
    will give your gig back to the keyboard player's left hand."

    12.) And so Jaco-Mo did once more assume the yoke of duty in the
    rhythm section, in the Powder Blue Tux. His face became a blank mask
    of
    perpetual boredom, whether The Female Singer Who Could Not Count was
    smiling at him, (for he never lost her again),or the horns scornfully
    exhorted him to "dig in. "Jaco-Mo learned the hard way: It is better
    to
    eat than "take it out!"

    Amen?
     
  2. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member In Memoriam

    Err - it was dull and unfunny and I gave up reading word for word, after th 2nd or 3rd verse...can I have my wasted 2 minutes back please!! :meh:
     
  3. Jeremy Allen

    Jeremy Allen Supporting Member

    Mar 18, 2002
    Bloomington, IN
    Maybe it got lost in translation...to someone who's spent way too much time in wedding/club date/society/GB (that's "General Business," in New England) bands on the east coast, and who's actually lived that story almost word for word (my CD player never got stolen, and the tux at the end was red rather than powder blue), it hits home!
     
  4. nicklloyd

    nicklloyd Supporting Member/Luthier

    Jan 27, 2002
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    No.
     
  5. Chris Fitzgerald

    Chris Fitzgerald Student of Life Staff Member Administrator

    Oct 19, 2000
    Louisville, KY
    Amen.
     
  6. Marcus Johnson

    Marcus Johnson

    Nov 28, 2001
    Maui
    +1....like Nnick was reading my diary.
     
  7. Hey I thought it was funny. Ohh and Amen.
     
  8. Amen. Been there, but instead of for rent, it was to pass the class.:smug:
     
  9. ispider6

    ispider6

    Jan 30, 2005
    Anyone humming "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys in their head right now?

    Nick, it may be the gospel of gigging but I'm afraid you've ruined my day by naming the player Jaco-Mo.

    :help:
     
  10. ispider6

    ispider6

    Jan 30, 2005
    Aruba... Jamaica... ooh I wanna take ya' to Bermuda... Bahama... come on pretty mama... Key Largo... Montego... baby why don't we go down to Kokomo... we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow... that's where we wanna go... way down to Kokomo
     
  11. Andy Allen

    Andy Allen "Working Bassist"

    Aug 31, 2003
    Los Angeles, CA
    You just stop that RIGHT NOW young man....
     
  12. Uncletoad

    Uncletoad

    May 6, 2003
    Columbus Ohio
    Proprietor Fifth Avenue Fret Shop. Technical Editor Bass Gear Magazine
    You totally ruined my day. I'm going to have to go listen to Bill Evans for 24 hours straight to rid myself of that phantom.
     
  13. nicklloyd

    nicklloyd Supporting Member/Luthier

    Jan 27, 2002
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    I didn't write the Book of Jobbing. (I'm not that creative.) The bass player's name was already part of the story. There are different chapters in the Book of Jobbing.... singers... drummers.... guitarists... club owners.... etc.
     

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