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The truth about men!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Joe Nerve, May 3, 2003.

  1. Me love woman!

    22 vote(s)
  2. Me love women!

    21 vote(s)
  3. Me too chicken to tell truth.

    1 vote(s)
  1. Joe Nerve

    Joe Nerve Supporting Member

    Oct 7, 2000
    New York City
    Endorsing artist: Musicman basses
    Aright, this is another relationship thread but i'll do my best to spare the sordid details of my story and get to the point. Andrea, my love for the past 7+ years, is out of my life. I lived with her for 4 of those years, she's been my best friend, and I had to walk away. I had to walk away for many reasons, but there's one biggie, and i want to see if i'm as alone in this as some people would make me out to be.

    1st (I must say) - It is not in my nature to lie or cheat. 2nd - I've had more than a few opportunities to be with some really beautiful women inside and out over the past few years and walked away. 3rd - the frustration was beginning to make me resentful.

    My contention: Men (or at least the majority of them) want to, and will always want to have sex with lots of women, provided that it's possible. The ONLY REASON they commit to women is because they don't want to lose the women they're with - so they go along with the rules and eat sh*t.

    Some of the reasons I say this - I know lots and lots of married people yet I know very, very few happily married ones. My experience tell me that I can be content with one woman for approximately 2 years and then I start to get nutty. Please don't respond to this about someone who is your "one and only" if you 've only been with them for a year or so, cuz that's easy stuff. After 2 or three years is when things get weird, at least in my case. Most guys I know either cheat on their wives, masturbate to the fantasy of what they'd really like to be doing, try to cheat on their wives, get into other destructive behavior to forget how frustrated they are, or wind up really angry and resentful and the relationship starts having tension - and the tension doesn't get resolved because this is one of those things that's never gonna see the light of day.

    arrrghh! i realize how shallow this all sounds, and i'm struggling to clearly state my points here for some reason. I'm gonna post a poll - and you can vote anonymousy (just don't write anything if ya don't wanna get found out). how many of you guys, after at least a year and a half of being HEAVILY involved with someone, would really LOVE to be with another woman - and get frustrated about the fact that you're not doing it. don't worry, your loved ones won't know how you voted. :D
  2. I'm in somewhat agreeance with Joe...somewhat.

    I've was involved with a girl for a good deal of time and was very deeply in love with her. During our hard times though I did consider leaving her for another girl, just the mentality of the grass being greener on the otherside. I never cheated on her though, because no matter what, I would never do anything to her that I wouldn't want her to do to me. Our relationship ended due to extenuating circumstances and my own immaturity. Though I thought I would be happy at my newfound freedom, I quickly discovered that most women aren't as interesting or as fun as my ex was. I bounced around with a few girls and found that there are an incredible number of women out there that are amazingly boring (same goes for men), or just didn't share any interests with me. So, I've come to this conclusion.

    It is possible for people to be happily married. However many people rush into marriage right after college; imagining some carefree utopia of love and partying like in college. Very few of them actually consider the strains that marriage put on a realtionship. Many people say they love someone, but "love" (while a very sweet thing to say) is relative. You can love chocolate, pizza bagels, the Mets :)eek: ) and all manner of other things. But marriage can't just thrive on love (which can often times be ephemeral and fragile) but there also needs to be honesty and respect. Any problems in a relationship are magnified 100 fold when marriage comes into the picture; be they sexual, bad habits or just the fact that your significant other is very stubborn.

    I care about a lot of people, a lot of girls, and you could say I "love" a few, but as of yet, I would never marry any of them.

    Hope that went somewhere.
  3. Fuzzbass

    Fuzzbass P5 with overdrive Gold Supporting Member

    Joe Nerve: highest respect to you for breaking up with your girlfriend rather than lying and cheating. You've recognized the fact that, for whatever reason(s), you aren't yet ready to settle down, and you have done the right thing.

    Temptation is often a struggle for guys. I've been married 17 years and couldn't be happier, but still get tempted on those occasions when I get flirted at by an attractive woman (happens less often nowadays, oh well). But to me, the ego boost of getting flirted at is enough... I don't need to "close the deal".

    Sure I get revved up, but I take that energy home to my wife. If she's not around I relieve the tension myself... and I disagree that fantasizing about another woman while doing so is unhealthy; in fact I believe it *is* healthy. I wouldn't for a moment expect my wife to fantasize about no one else but me, nor would I want her to... that's kind of creepy.

    I disagree that guys aren't capable of settling down. It does seem like a lot of guys aren't, and that might be true for some (perhaps those who were raised under the double standard). But I believe that it takes awhile before some guys are ready, and also that some aren't ready until they find the right woman.

    Also: what Smash and BigBigWill said.
  4. Fuzzbass

    Fuzzbass P5 with overdrive Gold Supporting Member

    P.S. I just noticed the poll. I hate to be nitpickety, but love and lust are two different things. I only love my wife. However I'm still a living, breathing, reasonably healthy human, and therefore do find other members of the opposite (in my case) sex to be physically attractive enough to have sexual relations with if all the parameters were correct (e.g. both parties single and available, and the attraction mutual).
  5. Fuzz -

    Great post.

    I wish I'd had your healthy attitude (which I do have now :() sooner, I may still be with the one I love.

    Honesty, above all, is the most important thing. The one you truly love, you should be able to tell anything to, fearlessly. If you can't, eventually things will fall apart.

    My own fear of doing just that has cost me dearly.

    I never wandered physically, but I did mentally, and would not be honest about it with my wife - that dishonesty eventually destroyed everything.

    I disagree with you Joe: I never cheated on my wife, and never really wanted to, no matter how tempted I may have been. There is true love, but it requires true honesty to thrive.
  6. While I love my fiancee dearly, and would gladly do anything for her, I still look at other women. Can't help it. As Bernie Mac said, "I may be on a diet, but I can still look at the menu."

    This is a fact of life. Men want as many women as possible, to help propogate the species. Women only want one man in their life, to help support them and their children. Nice little arrangment we have here, innit? Stupid sub-conscious urges.

    Rock on
  7. Chris Fitzgerald

    Chris Fitzgerald Student of Life Staff Member Administrator

    Oct 19, 2000
    Louisville, KY

    You nailed it.
  8. The first, and most important, person to be honest with:


    "...charity starts at home."

    So does honesty.

    That said Joe, maybe it is best that you "bailed", but are you being truly honest to your feelings, or are you giving in to the distractions that we all suffer with and denying your honest feelings?
  9. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
    Don't speak for all men, Joe.

    Good luck with your situation.
  10. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    Agree on the difference between love and lust. A relationship is about so much more than just sex. Really. :)

    And when it comes to eyeing other women, as an American aquaintance once told me, "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look on the menu!" :D
  11. moley


    Sep 5, 2002
    Hampshire, UK
    Gard nailed it.
  12. Joe Nerve

    Joe Nerve Supporting Member

    Oct 7, 2000
    New York City
    Endorsing artist: Musicman basses
    My apologies. It may have sounded as if I were doing that. Truth is I'm only speaking of my experience and what I've heard/learned from others.

    I don't understand the following???:

    "I never wandered physically, but I did mentally, and would not be honest about it with my wife - that dishonesty eventually destroyed everything.

    I disagree with you Joe: I never cheated on my wife, and never really wanted to, no matter how tempted I may have been. There is true love, but it requires true honesty to thrive."

    I've tried to work through my stuff, was brutally honest, talked about it, couldn't get past it, and had to free myself. I never cheated either.....

    I know there are guys out there who find one woman and that's the end of the line for them. I guess I'm here looking for some sort of comraderie because I haven't been lucky enough to find that - and I wind up loosing some really good friends. Perhaps I'm just made of different stuff - and need to find companions that are made of the same.

    As I said in the original post, this isn't all as shallow as it seems. There are other things that go along with this than just the sex. I've had many relationships, and all of them have been pretty deep on one level or another. I feel after I'm with someone for a couple of years we start to stagnate. When I meet new women and get involved doors upon doors are opened up to me. I get inspired, I learn about new religions, I learn about new music, my creativity blossoms, I feel free, I learn about different cultures, different lifestyles, different professions, foods, the list is endless. Yeah - I realize this can all be done with one woman or even on my own, but that's not my experience. It seems to just be the person I am - and trust me, it costs me dearly.... I am not happy about this breakup. I lost and hurt my best friend, but I couldn't go on the way we were and I tried as hard as I possibly could for as long as I could.

    Again, my apologies to anyone who may have taken offense to this post.... it may have come off a little heavy handed cuz I'm battling with my newfound freedom on a few levels. Perhaps I have some resentment towards people who can do what I can't and may have to just accept is not part of my nature. Or maybe I just haven't met the right woman yet. I dunno, but i'd still like to hear others opinions and thoughts.
  13. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    "Men are only as loyal as their options"
    Chris Rock

    That just popped into my head. I've never been in any long term relationships, so I don't get to comment. Just had to say that so it didn't gnaw at me everytime I saw this thread/thread title...
  14. To me, this sums up your dilemma. Marriage or a commited relationship is not a destination, nor is it a stopping point. At least in my marriage, being with my wife has made me a better person than I was without her. I find news ways to be better at being ME, not just being a "couple." Sex isn't everything (not that it's lacking) but there has to be SOMETHING more than just a phsyicial relationship; there are couples that have stayed married for 50+ years long before the advent of Viagra. She is my best friend.

    Another thing about my wife was that I "discovered" her quite by accident. We had been friends for six years prior to our ever dating. I never even considered her until one day, it just clicked. It wasn't all sunsets and roses, and I had to fight to convince her, but once I did, we have been happier in our marriage than at any other point in both our lives. Stop "looking" for Ms. Right and start noticing the goods things that you may be overlooking.

    It seems to me that there is something else going on with you, even if you don't consciouly realize it. Obviously you were feeling unfullfilled, which is unfortunate, but fullfillment, like marriage, is not some goal to be attained. I'm not saying you should "settle," but don't be Ally McBeal either. Obsessing over something that you feel is unattainable only makes it that much more unattainable.

    It takes a big sack to say what you said, opening yourself up to criticism and questioning yourself so openly. That in itself shows promise. Don't be so hard on yourself.

    BTW, I forgot to add, on the subject of temptation, you'd better believe the single most attractive thing to another woman is a wedding ring. I have been outright offered sex on many occassions by VERY attractive women, and if all I had in my marriage was a sexual connection, I might have strayed, but when I thought about how her love made me better and how she is the best thing ever to happen to me, I'm happy to report that my heart overrode my otherwise natural instincts. It's human nature to be curious and to want what we "cannot" have. In my view at least, the married me is better than that.
  15. Prime Mover

    Prime Mover

    Feb 16, 2003
    TN, USA
    It's healthy to look at other woman, for crying out loud, you still have blood running through your vains! How much do you want to bet your fiancee does the same thing?:D I encourage my men to look at other women. I want them to know that it is ok and it is normal and that I am not a jealous person. We could be walking down the street and I would see a great looking woman and point her out to my significant other. He would make his honest comment...not..."You are better looking!" Well duh, we all know that thats why hes there w/me and not with her...and we go on our merry way. I point out nice looking men, and state that he is cute, and leave it at that. I am human, just like everyone else.
  16. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    bingo...highest respect for you Joe

    it would have been alot easier to cheat or lie, but you stuck with it until it had to be ended

  17. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
  18. LiquidMidnight


    Dec 25, 2000
    This goes back to what Eric says, but it is actually biologically positive for the human race. Once a women gets inpregnated they can't have another child until they have that kid (or miscarriage). Hypothetically, a man can go out and impregnate 100 women in one day. (Of course, some chuvonist who thinks he's a genuis could use that arguement to justify himself being a manwhore :rolleyes: )

    Still, I'm proud to say I have never cheated in a relationship, nor had the desire to. (though I've been cheeted on a few times) I wouldn't even feel morally right being with a girl, knowing she's with another guy. I guess that's because I'm a hopeless romantic. Still, there has only been one girl so far that I would truly say I would be completely, and utterly happy spending my life with. We are still very much in love. I believe that if we are truly meant to be, we will find each other again. Still, I'm old fashioned maybe, I believe in true absolute love. I've become very picky with who I date now as I don't want to waste my time. (I know that might be a bit of a concieted attitude, but hey, relationships are serious and I want someone who will take one seriously)

    Anyways, another cool thread. (there's been a lot of ultra-cool threads on the OT board lately)
  19. LiquidMidnight


    Dec 25, 2000
    Oh, and I have a litte mini rant to put in this thread. Why is it when a women cheats on a man, and the man finds out, the very first thing that's on his mind is to beat the hell out of the other guy? I mean, the fact is, the women you're with cheated on you. She's more of a guilty party than the guy. What is roughing him up going to solve? I could see if he's your best friend or something, cause that's betrayal from him, but I'm talking about guys that don't even know each other.
  20. PollyBass

    PollyBass ******

    Jun 25, 2001
    Shreveport, LA
    Smash said everything I would have in his first post.

    see above for good info.

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