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Things that really grate your cheese...

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Bigfeet, Jan 20, 2004.


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  1. A. number one thing that really gets me in my ire is when someone tries to tell me who I am... Gee I guess since I come across as someone that's so caustic I must be a #^!@&#&* all the time. That I'm just acting this way to hide who I am, ofcourse I am! If anyone had half of brain one in their skull they'de realize that people hold a certain skin over their mannerisms to protect themselves from strangers with questionable intent. That's just the first part... What really puts a sprinkling on the ornate pos that is life is when people you actually know don't even understand who you are! They automatically scope you in this own little field through ignorence, then top it off with ego vision glasses... If so many people weren't sitting around punching themselve in the face with their own erections this world would be a much happier place!!! :mad:
     
  2. Marlat

    Marlat

    Sep 17, 2002
    London UK
    Ahh...the angst or being a teenager :D
     
  3. PollyBass

    PollyBass ******

    Jun 25, 2001
    Shreveport, LA
    I didn't really read your post, the title made me hungry, so I made a grilled cheese, so what I guess i'm TRYING to say is, thanks for making me make a grilled cheese.



    Wait, it was burnt, and TASTELESS! No thanks to you!
     
  4. tuBass

    tuBass

    Dec 14, 2002
    Mesquite, Texas
    This does the job very well, thank you

    [​IMG]
     
  5. yup, that's me... pissed off and full of hate
     
  6. Marlat

    Marlat

    Sep 17, 2002
    London UK
    I particuarly like the way the typo has turned this rant into a particuarly useful piece of advice on how to live your life :D

    Maybe i'll give it a go later ;)
     
  7. Heh, what typo? :rolleyes:

    ...and with that, I don't accept any responsibility for lost or stollen occular organs.
     
  8. So young.. so angry.. Damn that rock-music ! :D

    [​IMG]
     
  9. BF, you're getting a little old for these angst-fests.
     
  10. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan

    *Ahem*

    The quote is...

    "So young... So angry... Damn that Rap-Music!"
     
  11. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    "whooaah! that got 'em!" :rolleyes:
     
  12. Don't vorree! Ve still lurve joo!

    Come into ze light, mmkay? Look at za pretty lighzt! C'mon along now.
    DO IT NOW!

    :meh: :D
     
  13. DigMe

    DigMe

    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    "Cheese grater...that's the positive name. They don't call it by it's negative name....'sponge ruiner.' Because I wanted to wash my cheese grater and I ended up with little bits of sponge.....that would melt easily over a tortilla chip."

    Mitch Hedberg


    And then there's me...

    brad cook
     
  14. teehee
     
  15. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    Ha, you made this seem like a thread where everyone should share what pisses them off. You should have called it, "Listen here, skank." And then vented.
     
  16. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member

    Someone needs to read : "Huis Clos" by Jean-Paul Sartre!!

    "Hell is other people!!" ;)
     
  17. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member

    Or... alternatively - maybe this :



    The Cheese Shop

    (a customer walks in the door)
    Customer:
    Good Morning.

    Owner:
    Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

    Customer:
    Ah, thank you, my good man.

    Owner:
    What can I do for you, Sir?

    Customer:
    Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

    Owner:
    Peckish, sir?

    Customer:
    Esuriant.

    Owner:
    Eh?

    Customer:
    'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

    Owner:
    Ah, hungry!

    Customer:
    In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

    Owner:
    Come again?

    Customer:
    I want to buy some cheese.

    Owner:
    Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

    Customer:
    Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

    Owner:
    Sorry?

    Customer:
    'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

    Owner:
    So he can go on playing, can he?

    Customer:
    Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

    Owner:
    (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

    Customer:
    Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

    Owner:
    I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

    Customer:
    Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

    Owner:
    I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

    Customer:
    Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

    Owner:
    Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks.
    Was expecting it this morning.

    Customer:
    'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

    Owner:
    Sorry, sir.

    Customer:
    Red Windsor?

    Owner:
    Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

    Customer:
    Ah. Stilton?

    Owner:
    Sorry.

    Customer:
    Ementhal? Gruyere?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Lipta?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Lancashire?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    White Stilton?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Danish Brew?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Double Goucester?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Cheshire?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Dorset Bluveny?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Camenbert, perhaps?

    Owner:
    Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

    Customer:
    (suprised) You do! Excellent.

    Owner:
    Yes sir. It's... ah,... it's a bit runny...

    Customer:
    Oh, I like it runny.

    Owner:
    Well... It's very runny, actually, sir.

    Customer:
    No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

    Owner:
    I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

    Customer:
    I don't care how ****ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

    Owner:
    Oooooooooohhh...!

    Customer:
    What now?

    Owner:
    The cat's eaten it.

    Customer:
    Has he.

    Owner:
    She, sir.



    (pause)

    Customer:
    Gouda?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Edam?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Case Ness?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Smoked Austrian?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Japanese Sage Darby?

    Owner:
    No, sir.



    Customer:
    You... do have some cheese, don't you?

    Owner:
    (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...

    Customer:
    No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

    Owner:
    Fair enough.

    Customer:
    Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

    Owner:
    Yes?

    Customer:
    Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

    Owner:
    Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

    (pause)

    Customer:
    Greek Feta?

    Owner:
    Uh, not as such.

    Customer:
    Uuh, Gorgonzola?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Parmesan?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Mozarella?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Paper Cramer?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Danish Bimbo?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Czech sheep's milk?

    Owner:
    No

    Customer:
    Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

    Owner:
    Not today, sir, no.

    (pause)

    Customer:
    Aah, how about Cheddar?

    Owner:
    Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

    Customer:
    Not much call? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

    Owner:
    Not 'round here, sir.

    Customer:
    And what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

    Owner:
    'Illchester, sir.

    Customer:
    Is it?

    Owner:
    Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

    Customer:
    Is it?

    Owner:
    It's our number one best seller, sir!

    Customer:
    I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

    Owner:
    Right, sir.

    Customer:
    All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked,
    expecting the answer "no".

    Owner:
    I'll have a look, sir...
    ...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

    Customer:
    It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

    Owner:
    Finest in the district!

    Customer:
    (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

    Owner:
    Well, it's so clean, sir!

    Customer:
    It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese...

    Owner:
    (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

    Customer:
    Would it be worth it?

    Owner:
    Could be....

    Customer:
    Have you - SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

    Owner:
    Told you sir....

    Customer:
    (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

    Owner:
    No.

    Customer:
    Figures. Predictable, really I suppose.
    It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

    Owner:
    Yes sir?

    Customer:
    (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

    Owner:
    Yes, sir.

    Customer:
    Really?

    (pause)

    Owner:
    No. Not really, sir.

    Customer:
    You haven't.

    Owner:
    No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

    Customer:
    Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

    Owner:
    Right-Oh, sir.


    (The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

    Customer:
    What a senseless waste of human life.
     
  18. PollyBass

    PollyBass ******

    Jun 25, 2001
    Shreveport, LA
    Ha! So you to know as well why this is so funny...
     



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