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This is Funny/Silly.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by P. Aaron, Feb 19, 2004.

  1. P. Aaron

    P. Aaron Supporting Member

    Mods, if this is mis-placed and/or inappropriate, My humblest apologies.


    If you're new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Maggie Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

    4 The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch... ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
    motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place
    that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

    12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person and you slept in it.

    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
    No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401 K or trust fund

    14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

    15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
    Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

    17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Pat River Dumpling

    18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

    19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

    21 - I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

    Gimpy Plum Johnson
  2. miccheck1516

    miccheck1516 Guest

    Feb 15, 2003
    i like it :)
  3. Thor

    Thor Gold Supporting Member In Memoriam


    Pimpride Melon Aaron! ;)
  4. bill h

    bill h

    Aug 31, 2002
    small town MN
    Thats funny!!!
  5. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    Guess I gotta change my TB style set now :p
  6. Thor

    Thor Gold Supporting Member In Memoriam

    Wrong Raisin Robot!
  7. Don't_Fret

    Don't_Fret Justin Schornstein

    Dec 10, 2003
    You mean Hobblin' Wrong Raisin Robot Washington. :confused: :rolleyes:
  8. Great stuff!
  9. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Retired Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Flaccid Banana Johnson.
  10. ol' stumpy apple adams
  11. Lazy Willie Cleveland, The only bluesman to serve non-consecutive....in the pen.
  12. Taylor Livingston

    Taylor Livingston Supporting Member Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    Oregon, US
    Owner, Iron Ether Electronics
    My dad has played some pretty gut-wrenching blues at openings at his art gallery. Often while wearing a suit. But, this is "Nawlins", after all.
  13. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    Hepititas Watermelon Roosevelt

    ... I don't know what I think of these Blues... but I do like saying my woman got the meanest face in town. :D

    Oops. can't use :D anymore... I gotta use :bawl:
  14. Folmeister

    Folmeister Knowledge is Good - Emile Faber Supporting Member

    May 7, 2003
    Tomball, Texas
    Gassy Cherry Hoover
    Carpal Filbert Adams
    Shin Splint Pomegranate Tyler
    Halitosis Quince Monroe
    Pink Eye Washington
    Scabies Plum Harrison
  15. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
    I work in an office of about 30 people.

    When I read this I let out a not so muffled he haw sort of laugh, and everyone looked at me like I was standing there neked!

    very funny! thx guys!



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