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TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Howard K, Nov 19, 2004.


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  1. Howard K

    Howard K

    Feb 14, 2002
    UK
    MEMORANDUM


    TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
    RE: Revocation of your Independence

    In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.

    Thank you for your cooperation.
     
  2. Howard K

    Howard K

    Feb 14, 2002
    UK
    No offence, purely in jest. I thought t'was rather funny what! :D
     
  3. Toasted

    Toasted

    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    Heh, i like that Howard K, and best of all i think its not political enough to get removed. A triumph :)
     
  4. hyperlitem

    hyperlitem Guest

    Jul 25, 2001
    Indianapolis, IN
    4 words...we won the war
     
  5. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member

    This sounds like a very good idea - but unfortunately, going on Tony's recent movements - this is very likely to be George Bush!! :meh:


    ;)
     
  6. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member

    What war have Australia ever won - just name one!!?? ;)
     
  7. LOL

    Very funny. I've always liked English wit, too. Michael Palin, and all. :D

    Bruce: officially you guys win the wars, but we fight them for you, you pansies. :eek: :p joking.
     
  8. Hmmm, bit political. I like the bit about them not electing a proper president...... :bag:
     
  9. Toasted

    Toasted

    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    The best comment I've ever heard regarding wars was from BBC journalist Andrew Marr, in the build up to Gulf War II:

    "The Australians are 'interested' in the situation, and you know when the Australians are interested, it must be something really big, it takes a long time for news to get down there."
     
  10. :rolleyes:

    Like I haven't heard that one before...

    ... we pass all those jokes along to the Tasmanians. :D
     
  11. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA
    As the first American* respond that I think it's funny. Although, I'm not sure the British are the best people to make fun of someone else's food... :D

    I've already got one of these on the way to wear overseas when I travel for the next four years:

    http://www.cafepress.com/americanapology.6120915

    Please be kind, and offer me an ale. I'm sad to say that I still find your football boring. :bag:

    I'm sure the rabble will be along soon enough to mention World War II.....again to ensure this thread gets closed down nice and tight. :ninja:










    * Yes, I am aware that we are only a small part of the North American continent--but I'm from the loud part in the middle with all the money
     
  12. Girls play soccer. Men play AFL. :D
     
  13. I agree with you Bassmonkee, football sucks. Cricket is the way to go!
     
  14. Toasted

    Toasted

    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    AFL = bastardisation of two great games (rugby and football) into one, really not great at all game. I guess it breaks down like this

    The English know that the Football League is the best.

    The Americans think that the NFL is the best.

    The aussies think that the AFL is the best.

    Only the English are correct, in this case. Dont get me started on why NFL / AFL sucks ;)
     
  15. Howard K

    Howard K

    Feb 14, 2002
    UK
    What's wrong with Toad In The Hole? Or Tea and Crumpets?!
     
  16. Toasted

    Toasted

    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    Dont forget Spotted Dick and Bread Pudding.
     
  17. Howard K

    Howard K

    Feb 14, 2002
    UK
    ..or chips n gravy, eee by'eck thass grand!
     
  18. bassmonkeee

    bassmonkeee Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2000
    Decatur, GA
    I'm fairly certain that both of those acts are illegal in the South. :D



    I do have to say that I am a fan of bangers 'n' mash, though...
     
  19. This joke was funny 4 years ago as well... :D
     
  20. Woodchuck

    Woodchuck

    Apr 21, 2000
    Atlanta / Macon (sigh)
    Gallien Krueger for the last 12 years!

    Boy, he put so much effort in trying to be funny, that research became expendable. Unless, of course, he was using Fox News' fact checker. I do recall American football being played in Europe and Japan. And then, of course there's Japan's baseball league. All in all, I loved the post, because it was funny and smacked of the truth.
    :bassist:
     



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