Tonight was rough for me...

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by pflash4001, Feb 23, 2014.

  1. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    It's been about a month and a half since my mom very suddenly and very unexpectedly passed away. We've been trying to keep on keeping on since. My dad has been staying at my house since mom passed, but he goes home for a few hours each day to check on mail and keep things in order around the house. This afternoon my brother and I were at band practice and I got a text from dad saying he was at home and had a flat in the driveway and he asked if we could stop by and help him change the tire after practice. We did and after putting all the tools and stuff away I went in to wash my hands. I called my son to come and do the same. Then I looked at the kitchen table. My mother's glasses were sitting right where she would always leave them. I got a lump in my throat. Then I looked up and saw a little tin sign she had on the wall that says "Mom's Kitchen. We're ALWAYS open." That's when I lost it. It hit me that as an adult whenever I needed to talk to her we'd talk at that table. Her favorite coffee mug was there. Her glasses were there. But no one was sitting in her chair. I wanted so badly to reach out and hug her. I crumbled to my knees and just sobbed. My son came and put his arms around me and his eyes welled up and he said "Daddy, I miss grandma, too." We cried a bit and he went back outside with my brother. I ran into my dad again in the living room and I asked him how he really is doing. He said, "It's tough and some days are harder than others, but we gotta keep on." He said staying with us has helped him a lot. I told him that our door is open to him as long as he needs it. He said "I know. I can feel it." I asked what he meant. He said the kids are always happy to see me around and my wife always opens her arms to him. He said he feels welcome and at peace with us. That's when I realized there is still even more grace and beauty and love and compassion I'm discovering about my wife. I'm not really looking for anything with this post, I guess. Tonight was just extremely emotional for me and I guess I just had to release. I doubt I'll sleep tonight, though. I've gotten too much going on in my head.
  2. GKon

    GKon Supporting Member, Boom-Chicka-Boom

    Feb 17, 2013
    Queens, NY
    Hang in there, pflash. I feel for you and for your family. There's not much else I can say. Just be there for each other.
  3. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    Thanks. The last six or so weeks have been really surreal. I still expect to hear her voice when my phone rings. I feel like I'm going to wake up and find it was a long jacked up dream. I mean, it was so sudden. She didn't have a long protracted illness. There was no long decline in her health. She wasn't in and out of hospitals. She seemed fine. Then she was gone. I just want to spend as much time with my dad as possible. I want my kids to spend as much time with him too. It's just crazy how emotional I got so suddenly tonight. It hit me like a hammer.
  4. GKon

    GKon Supporting Member, Boom-Chicka-Boom

    Feb 17, 2013
    Queens, NY
    You're bound to get emotional. Especially because it was something so sudden and unexpected. Let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling, even though it can be difficult. I think that it is a very good thing that you and your Dad have each other for support, as well as the rest of your family. Remember her in your own way and all together and help each other through this.
  5. Tituscrow

    Tituscrow Banned

    Feb 14, 2011
    NW England
    A warming post, filled with the milk of human kindness, despite the sadness of the circumstances.

    Reminded me of the weeks after my dad died suddenly over 20 years ago. We used to sporadically stumble across little reminders like his favourite mug, an unfinished crossword, his slippers...and like you, a pair of glasses. Finding the glasses that day just about killed me. The overwhelming sense of loss was unbearable.

    My daughter was born long after he died, and my mother remarried, but I show her pictures of 'grandad John' and I know how awesome a grandad he would have been.

    Don't feel bad about grieving. Let it out whenever and wherever you feel the need. Your life has changed forever, but you will cope and adapt and move on, as we all do.

    I just hope that when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, my children - and possibly grandchildren - have as much warmth and love for me as I did for my dad. I'm sure you feel exactly the same, my friend.
  6. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    I do feel like that. My boys will always remember her. I just hope my daughter is able to. She's only 2 1/2 years old and she loved being with her grandma. It's funny how I'd always seen a resemblance between my daughter and my mom, but now that my mom passed away, I look at my little girl and see my mom in her so much more.
  7. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    That's heartbreaking. Mourning is hard. You'll be OK in the end, but in the meantime... it's hard. Stick together.
  8. msact


    Jan 8, 2013
    Somewhere in NJ
    It's okay to feel emotional. You need to let go once in a while. I am going through something very similar as my wife died suddenly of a serious infection almost one year ago. My girls and I still live in the house and there are reminders everywhere. There are good days and bad days and it will go on for a long time. Sharing your feeling among family and drawing strength from one another is a big help. Hang in there and make sure to tell those around you how much you love them. We never know when we will be called home so make the most of every day. God bless.
  9. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    Thanks. I've really learned the meaning of those words in a new way. I never thought the last time I said I love you, mom would be the last. Thanks too all of you for your kind words. I just felt like I needed to vent and I guess I let it out here. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
  10. Tituscrow

    Tituscrow Banned

    Feb 14, 2011
    NW England

    I'd have done the same thing had TBOT existed in 1993 :)

    I found that once you get through the 'first' of everything (first birthday, first Xmas, first kids birthday, first anniversary of death etc), things get a bit easier.

    There was a palpable tension around the whole 'how will we ever get through Xmas without dad?' thing...but you know what? We did it, as do countless millions of other bereaved families, because you simply have no choice but to face it.

    Xmas (for example) will come and go whether you like it or not, and rather than drown in a sea of misery and tears, we made the decision as a family that we were only going to share fun memories of my old man that first Xmas. And we laughed hard into the night, fuelled by whiskey and great stories. I'm sure you and your family will find your own way through.
  11. I really enjoyed reading that post, P. Thanks for sharing.
  12. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    Thanks again, guys. Writing this and reading your comments is really helping me get through all this. I know we'll make it through. It's just so difficult now.
  13. tastybasslines

    tastybasslines Banned

    May 9, 2010
    Los Angeles, CA
    Thanks Pflash. Chills ran down my spine. Let it all out man - so good for you. You gave me today's "appreciation fuel." (hug)
  14. knumbskull


    Jul 28, 2007
    That's a moving story - scares the hell out of me, too, the very idea of it, well done for bearing up. All the best to you and yours.
  15. JimK


    Dec 12, 1999
    WOW...please take care of yourself & watch over your dad, too.

    God bless you guys...
  16. I'm so sorry for your loss, and what a very nice thread. My mom passed last May at 86, and it's good you have a tight family. It takes time, lots of time for things to get better - Prayers be with you.

  17. PWRL


    Sep 15, 2006
    Hang in there. My Dad passed on not quite a month ago, and as a co-executor, I've been in charge of dividing up the physical aspects of his estate among my siblings. It's strange to go through a person's life like that, and not have them there to answer questions. He was an artist, and I actually spent today pulling out paintings from the attic to send here and there. I remember these works hanging around the house growing up. Some hadn't been out of the attic since the 70's. Every piece was a memory, a part of him. Old photographs of a guy the same age I am right now, maybe a little younger. So funny to think of him gone, when I'd love so much to walk through that old photograph, and see that guy one more time.
    It's hard, but we must carry on, because that's what they would insist we do.
  18. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    Thanks for the remarks. It really is helping a lot. I'm not sure how or why, but it is.
  19. Clef_de_fa


    Dec 25, 2011
    I lost my grampa in the first week of january after two years with Alzeimer. It was a big hit, the first time I had to go through funerals cérémonies etc.

    I don't know how my dad's doing now since he got another hard blow 3 weeks ago, all of a sudden at his job they said he had to retire like right now. He's only 57 and one day like that he is retire.

    But I don't live in the same city so of course we talk but you know it isn't the same has having him infront of me.
  20. pflash4001


    Dec 2, 2011
    Clef, all I can say is make the effort to have face time together. It's amazing the depth of loss you can feel. Make the most of every moment.