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Tool Dictionary for all the handy men out there

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Bryan316, Mar 7, 2008.


  1. Bryan316

    Bryan316 Banned

    Dec 20, 2006
    Detroit
    I'm sure none of us have EVER used the last one ......


    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
    heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    'Yeouw....'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond
    the original intended target object.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
    more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
    conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
    1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
    shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
    handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
    a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
    which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
    main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
    105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
    Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
    misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered
    useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
    senseless.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
    heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
    by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which
    were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
    off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
    the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
    contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
    useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for
    removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

    DAMIT TOOL: (I have lots of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
    throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
    is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big
    hammer.
     
  2. bigthemat

    bigthemat

    Jan 25, 2008
    Salt Lake City
    awesome.
     
  3. doctorjazz

    doctorjazz

    Oct 22, 2006
    Wilmington, NC
    Haha, nice.
     
  4. Bryan316

    Bryan316 Banned

    Dec 20, 2006
    Detroit
    I don't have any damnit tools, I've got a damnit bench and a damnit stool. Kick those sunuvaguns against my garage door all the time.
     
  5. peterbright

    peterbright

    Jan 23, 2007
    On The Bayou
    Great def's there
     
  6. Darkstrike

    Darkstrike Return Of The King!

    Sep 14, 2007
    Yup, pretty much true right there!
     
  7. Haha. I laughed.
     
  8. RWP

    RWP

    Jul 1, 2006
    Drill press :D Hurts too! :meh:
     
  9. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Supporting Member

    I should post these on the wall in my shop!:smug:
     
  10. Good list.

    lowsound
     

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