Turning Point in Life

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by BustinJustin, Mar 13, 2004.

  1. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
    I'm 25 yrs old, have a great job where I'm very successful, earn lots of money and in turn reap the benefits.
    In addition, I've been a bass player for 14 yrs. I've studied, giged, traveled with the band (no longer together), had too much fun and have stories for the grandkids.

    Recently I have had the chance to join a VERY promising band, with fantastic players, but would have to commit myself to travel and ultimately a life change.

    I am engaged to an incredibly beautiful woman (also a bass player), who I've lived with for 8yrs. She is supportive and understanding in all my decisions, but relies on our secure lifestyle.

    In my heart I want to play music professionaly, but doing so will jeopardize our contentment/comfort. We have bills to pay, pets to feed, responsibilities just as anyone would. By committing to this life change I have doubt where as I'll be able to fulfill the responsibilities I've created for myself.... at least for a while.

    I'll have to decide by the summer/July and I just can't see how I'll be able to make this decision. I'm losing sleep on this every night and haven't really discussed this in depth with the Mrs. I know she'll stand by me, no question there.

    My life has gone one way for so long and now I'm at a cross road.

    I realize this is a bit heavy, but I'd like to hear your opinions.
    What would you do?
    :confused: :(
  2. P. Aaron

    P. Aaron Supporting Member

    Regarding having a well paying job, remember that it will probably not be the only job you ever have. The real issue is if your fiance is going to be able to handle you being a traveling musician, and the things that go with it.

    Is it a paying gig? If so, is it comparable with what you're bringing in now?

    If you've known this woman for 8 years, she should be a part of the decision making process. Good Luck.
  3. Fo' Shizzle

    Fo' Shizzle

    Aug 28, 2003
    I really feel for you, bro. I'm in a similar situation. Or different, depending on your point of view.
    The band I'm currently with is generating some major label interest and I have a very tough decision looming. I share your desire to play for a living. I mean, God! this is all we ever wanted when we picked up our instruments.
    The difference is I turned 40 two weeks ago. I have a wife,2 daughters, mortgage, etc....... This situation has confirmed my long held belief that God has a great sense of humor!! " OK, I'll give you your dream shot. The catch is I'll wait til it's impossible for you to realize it.!"
    Oh well....... If I werein your place I'd do it. Don't find yourself at my age wondering what might have been.......
    Good luck,
  4. At 25 you've got a lot ahead of you, and you can still recover from most mistakes. At 34 the idea of being in a touring band again doesn't seem quite as fun anymore. It's my hobby I enjoy. Keep your passion brother.
  5. Joe Nerve

    Joe Nerve Supporting Member

    Oct 7, 2000
    New York City
    Endorsing artist: Musicman basses, Hipshot products
    all i can really say is the same as fo' shizzle - i feel for you. having to make decisions like that suck bigtime and there's probably not much anyone is going to be able to tell you that's going to be of any help. soooo many pros and cons on both sides and a huge element of the unknown - if i do this, then i may regret it, if i do that, then i'm gonna be feeling something i don't want to feel.... will i resent her, will i resent me, how will i be happiest... arrrggh!

    i too am in a similar situation decision wise and losing lots of sleep. i feel i have the greatest woman in the world. she's beautiful, very intelliegient, willing to work on herself, able to communicate, everybody likes her, she's changing her career and going to nursing school, will probably wind up becoming a pediatrician, is willing to let me continue chasing my dreams and lead my life style (playing every weekend and substitute teaching) and she supports me 150%. we've been together 8 years and she wants to be married. after dodging the issue for years my time is running out as she wants a decision or she's going to bolt. i'm leaving out soooo many details but don't want to take too much space in your thread. the main thing is that regardless of how great she is, when we lived together (we don't now) i felt like i was suffocating. if i lose her i would be shattered to pieces. i see no winning scenario. i pray a lot. and i'm not joking.
  6. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Step outside the immediate picture. Is this band going to go all the way? If you can't say "yes" unequivocally, forget it. If you do the gig, you're going to lose the girl, so you want to make sure it's worth it. I can hear in your voice that the relationship is over anyway. It's all in your priorities.
  7. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    I don't think this sucks at all. There are plenty of bands to join, and plenty of women to get married to. Especially when you are 25.

    Flip a coin. You have plenty of time to get either one you decide against back.

    As for the job....if you are good at it and making good money right now, there will be another one of those around later too.

    Dude....you got it made right now. I'm 32, and the options dramatically fall off, and the amount of time for recovery is way less the older you get.

    Flip a coin. You can't lose.

  8. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    You have to ask yourself...

  9. Oysterman


    Mar 30, 2000
    And that's why we can't tell you what to do, only point out whatever consequences your decision might have. Where are your priorities?

    If you ask what I'd do, I would stay with the job and skip the band. But I'm the guy who would never strive to become a professional musician. It's easier than you think to get burnt out and get sick of music altogether, especially if luck isn't on your side - you may end up working in the "wrong" environments with the "wrong" people. A pro bassist I (sort of) know had things seemingly going his way - he played shows on TV, once Yngwie Malmsteen called and wondered if he could join the band for some show (the bassist dislikes Yngwie and the pay was crap so he said no)... but at one point he just quit playing, he was fed up and had no interest in playing bass anymore. Much like Dann Glenn, I guess? That story, and others of the same caliber, plus my own experiences in the field of Computer Science tells me not to turn a hobby into a profession. The pressure involved will sooner or later kill the "fun" part in it all. But that's perhaps just me. Or sour grapes, because I suck so bad at playing... ;)
  10. thats the thing that sucks about being an adult ,decisions can really be hard ,especially when they effect others,i will keep you in my prayers because thats a start, i have similar decisions im trying to decide what to do,so i know what your going through
  11. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    Dude, sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Come on now.

    Do it! Its what you started playing bass for in the first place. Rock 'n roll.
  12. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
    Sorry guys I got tied up-

    It will be a paying gig after our first album and tour. We will get backing then... in the mean time no.

    The Mrs. is a big part in the decision process and I have brought it up. The main reason for hesitation is being able to pay bills.
  13. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
    My point exactly! But I feel this way at 25!
  14. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
  15. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
  16. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too

    say what man?
  17. BustinJustin

    BustinJustin banned

    Sep 12, 2003
    NYC, LI too
    I have done it in my late teens. It gets old real quick.

    MM, your right that's why many "rock stars" start playing. But with age and maturity a dedicated player realizes otherwise. Music has made me a better person all around. The biggest lessons I've learned is patients and how to be humble. In practice of these I have made better decisions musically and in life as a whole...... I find music and life relate easily.
  18. DirtDog


    Jun 7, 2002
    The Deep North
    The question really is: "What would Sipowicz do?"

    Seriously tho - you're still young, young enough to make a mistake or two. Life is rarely black and white, so it's never really a choice "between the gig and the girl".

    I did something similar and made a choice between the nice safe secure path that I was on at 25 or becoming a commercial pilot - same sort of sacrifice - low wages to start, extremely different lifestyle, less security. Becoming a pilot won out and the girl decided to bug out. However, life being what it is, I later washed out of aviation school due to medical concerns and the girl never came back. I then decided on the next course of action and followed that path to where I am now.

    I sympathize with you - regardless of how old (or young) you are, it's a major decision not be made lightly and I certainly won't give you advice telling you to go or not to go. It's all yours, man!

    Incidentally, a buddy of mine just quit a very secure, well paying career-oriented job where he was well up the corporate ladder to follow his dream of becoming a military pilot - and he just turned 39 and is in basic officer training right now. Mind you, he had no serious attachments, just a mortgage and a pension (two of the four biggest anchors known to humankind, the others being marriage and kids).

  19. thrash_jazz


    Jan 11, 2002
    Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
    Artist: JAF Basses, Circle K Strings
    Dude... I was in a pretty similar situation. I'm 25 myself and have a steady career going, but no engagements or marriages.

    I've played with a few bands that would have wanted me to place touring as first priority had I stayed on full-time with them, but after thinking about it, I wouldn't do it unless the band could somehow pay just as well as my job. In the end, all of those projects fell through, but I'm still with the job and probably going to grad school in the fall.

    One thing I've noticed about EVERY SINGLE BAND I've played with (which you probably already know) is that no matter what they tell you at the beginning, things are NEVER going as "well" as they tell you they are. The more attractive the package, the uglier the gift, so to speak. No matter how good the players are, you never really know if the tour will happen until the van shows up at your house.

    My take is that if you have a career and a good relationship, then you ARE committed, in a sense. Take a look at what you have now and ask yourself if you would be willing to give it up. If you're happy now, turn it down. There's no reason why something just as fulfilling, yet less demanding, isn't out there.
  20. Yeah, the "no pay until after first tour" thing seems like a red flag to me too. I don't know many serious professionals who would take a gig like that without some actual written assurance, or a solid relationship and knowledge of the people who are making the offer.