As I'm sure you're all aware, the folks at CERN are fixin' to fire up the ol' Large Hadron Collider (LHC) on Wednesday. They will be colliding particles at velocities to within a millionth of a percent of the speed of light in the interest of finding evidence for the elusive Higgs boson, the so-called "God particle." I will point out the irony of this nickname in a few seconds. Anyway, this is particularly bad news for denizens of the earth, which include all of us, with the possible exception of Mike Money. This is because, at the energies anticipated to be used in causing collisions of large hadrons, little items such as micro black holes or even strangelets could be created. Now the wizards at CERN assure us that, even if such things were to occur, their existence would be fleeting, and they would evaporate instantly. Riiiiight. Remember cold fusion? Now no one really knows what a micro black hole will do. Will it evaporate, or immediately begin to accumulate mass into the singularity, with no means to stop it? Who could possibly know? Further, what about these strangelets, agglomerations of strange quarks? Word has it that their existence could cause a spontaneous fusion reaction of all surrounding matter, leading to a chain reaction that could transform the earth into a mini sun. We're doomed either way. So this has a couple serious implications. For one, not much is going to be happening on earth after Wednesday. There's really no point in putting your affairs together, because there won't be anyone left to benefit from that. There won't even be a planet. So essentially, you're on free time for the rest of today and tomorrow. As they say in All Your Base, "You have no chance to survive, make your time." Even more striking and ironic is the cosmological implication of this. Did you ever wonder why we have been unsuccessful at making contact with advanced extraterrestrial civilizations? Well, it's because they don't exist. Not that they never did, but they don't now. I realized just today why that is. It turns out that, as civilizations become increasingly advanced, they evolve technologically much as we have. At some point, they invariably reach the point where their philosophical interests and technological capabilities lead them to high-energy physics, and the desire to see if the Higgs boson, thought to impart mass to matter, actually exists. Inevitably, they create an accelerator powerful enough to explore that hypothesis. Unfortunately, this also leads to the creation of micro black holes which ultimately grow to consume the planet and suck its inhabitants clean out of existence. So here we are, at the endpoint of our existence, exactly as every other advanced civilization in the history of the universe has been, seeking the "God particle." But God, in the interest of privacy has created a natural law that intelligent beings can only go so far, and the Higgs boson is just too close to home. Hence, the appropriateness of the nickname. You scoff? Where do you think all of those black holes in the universe came from? Each is the gravestone of its own past civilization. We're next. This Wednesday. Be there.