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What's Your "Bass" Fine???

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by jokerjkny, Jun 6, 2003.


  1. jokerjkny

    jokerjkny

    Jan 19, 2002
    NY / NJ / PA
    http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/11644109.html

    Bass player offenses/fines list

    Name of offender _____________________________
    Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

    Musical offenses

    Playing loudly during warm up — $10
    Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
    Loud cursing after mistake — $10
    Playing high and fast after mistake — $20
    Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
    Asking for "E" tuning note — $25
    Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb — $50
    Playing written-out walking line — $50
    Failure to play written walking line — $75
    Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
    Writing beat numbers under dotted figures — $50
    Playing eighth notes — $5 each
    Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
    Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    Dragging fast tempo — $75
    Dragging ballad tempo — $100
    Blacking out during ballad — $200
    Ignoring drummer's tempo — $100
    Following drummer's tempo — $250
    Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me — $1000

    Upright player offenses

    Showing up before first downbeat — $25
    Playing audibly — $25
    Faking changes — $25
    Slapping — $150
    Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass — $25
    Excessive sweating — $25
    Pedal point double-stops during horn solo — $50
    Asking leader for a solo — $30
    Accepting solo when offered — $50
    Taking second chorus — $100
    Playing solo arco — $400
    Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune — $25
    Playing "A Train" ending on every tune — $200
    Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune — $500

    Electric player offenses

    Checking hair between tunes — $15
    Experimenting with odd meters — $25
    Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
    Playing with a pick — $50
    Tuning during ballad — $30
    Playing Jaco groove on samba — $75
    Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad — $150
    Attempting last word on final chord — $50
    Achieving last word on final chord — $100
    Long gliss down to final note — $200

    Equipment violations—electric

    Forgetting strap — $10
    Changing strings after every set — $15
    Using electric tuner — $15
    Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
    Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
    Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
    Asking horn player for help moving amp — $25
    Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4
    Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
    Skull decals on bass — $150
    Bringing fretless bass — $500

    Criminal bad taste

    Telling bone player about all the gigs you get — $10
    Asking bone player about their day gig — $10
    Sitting behind drums on break — $10
    Quoting "Birdland" — $25
    Practicing scales during break — $25
    Practicing scales during drum solo — $50
    Practicing — $150
    Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50
    Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" — $100

    Basic stupidity

    Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt — $10
    Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt — $20
    Asking when the rock set starts — $20
    Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
    Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25
    Asking bone player where "1" is — $50
    Taking cellphone call during 4's — $100
     
  2. Ummm ok...
     
  3. Bryan R. Tyler

    Bryan R. Tyler TalkBass: Usurping My Practice Time Since 2002 Staff Member Administrator Gold Supporting Member

    May 3, 2002
    Connecticut
    I can't calculate what my fine would be; my calculator only has room for ten numbers in a row.
     
  4. NJL

    NJL

    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    that was funny

    i liked it :D
     
  5. ConU

    ConU

    Mar 5, 2003
    La Belle Province
    Thanks,you made me smile to-day:cool:
     
  6. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Deptford, NJ
    belongs in bass humor

    and

    been done before
     
  7. furiously funky

    furiously funky Guest

    Dec 28, 2002
    Toronto
    Brian Beller (spelling?) used this for a column in bass player magazine, it did it with his defences to a judge for all his crimes. it was neat.
     
  8. Brendan

    Brendan

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Not taking into account the 8th and 16th note violations, due to the fact that playing metal would pretty much break me right in half if I counted these notes on a whole... (Jut threw in $15. 5 for the 8ths, $10 for the 16s)

    $1,640.
     
  9. P. Aaron

    P. Aaron Supporting Member

    Guitar players are always the ones playing when others are trying to converse or tune.
     
  10. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Deptford, NJ
    and drummers...
     
  11. jokerjkny

    jokerjkny

    Jan 19, 2002
    NY / NJ / PA

    crap,

    well, i figured.

    besides, it got sent to me by my guitar player in a band i just joined. a little ribbing, considering i was committing the "Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4"... :p
     
  12. ARA punk

    ARA punk

    Jul 11, 2001
    USA, Shelby, NC
    Haha, not in my case :D
    They always know i'm there.
     
  13. Nick Gann

    Nick Gann Talkbass' Tubist in Residence

    Mar 24, 2002
    Silver Spring, MD
    $2,295.


    Hey, it's money well spent if you ask me!