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When the relationship ends, so does the band

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by mixtapelove, Dec 22, 2012.

  1. Yep, I have become a victim of this old cliche. Mixtape Love Affair is koput. I should probably think of a new username.

    You know the story... the drummer and the keyboard player fall in love, and then fall out of it. I'm guessing this is probably a pretty regular occurrence.

    They also happened to be the two lead vocalists in the band so it really can't continue without a significant overhaul.

    I really feel like an idiot for joining this band in the first place, because pretty much everything that happened is exactly what I expected to happen. One of the responsible parties is a close sibling with a lot of personal vices who is just about incapable of having an intimate relationship with the opposite sex, mostly because of said vices.

    I practically begged the two of them not to get romantically involved, because it would not end well, and true to form (and in spectacular fashion), it has definitely not ended well. Like, restraining order territory.

    I feel like I've wasted two years of my life. I learned 40 songs in a couple of weeks and worked really hard on it, only to end up doing about three gigs. We lost two guitar players along the way and had a really, really hard time whenever we auditioned new ones. Maybe they knew something I didn't.

    On the other hand, I've become somewhat competent on a second instrument, and found a cool hangout for those who play it. I guess it was worth it in the end.

    And so ends the first band I ever played bass in.
  2. jonas_24112


    Jul 11, 2011
  3. Winfred


    Oct 21, 2011
    You've done everyone a service by passing this along. Thanks for sharing it. Hopefully, others will read it and heed it. But alas, they probably won't.
  4. powmetalbassist

    powmetalbassist Supporting Member

    Don't worry it happens more often then not. People are idiots and think it will work out. In my last band the guitarist started pursuing our female vocalist even after the other guitarist and I were saying it wouldn't end well. They hooked up dated for 2 years and broke up in august. We went through 3 guitarists (2 of which quit due to the relationship being a bad idea) and I quit after the dynamic got weird with the relationship ended. The singer just quit (I saw that coming from a mile away) and now the band is bassless and vocalistless(?). On temporary hiatus till it can find replacements.

    Has anyone learned anything? Not from what I can tell. The guitarist has seperation anxiety regarding the singer and she has pretty much ceased any contact with the band. He still claims it wasn't the relationship that caused the band to fracture (though it is part of the reason why I left and we lost 2 other guitarists...hard to dispute facts)

    In the end it is a bad idea and I'm pretty sure some auditionees over those two years ran for the hills when they saw the guitarist and singer dating. For future references if something like this happens or is happening in a band run for the hills it will not end well.
  5. BassyBill

    BassyBill The smooth moderator... Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Midlands UK
    Never poop on your own doorstep.
  6. LiquidMidnight


    Dec 25, 2000
    The waste of time is definitely a sucky thing. But a band that's been together for two years and has only played three gigs? Now there's the waste of time!
  7. On the other hand, there are many married couples who form the core of a band with rotating sidemen/sidewomen who come and go, and those groups do fine as the years and decades pass. When it works, it can work great.
  8. hdracer


    Feb 15, 2009
    Elk River, MN.
    Wow, I thought I was a slow learner.

    Sorry to hear about the break up but you knew it was coming.
    I would have left when they would not take your advice.
  9. LiquidMidnight


    Dec 25, 2000

    I've worked in husband/wife projects and it's been great. That's the one and only time I'll work in a gigging* project with people who are romantically involved.

    *I say gigging, because I wouldn't be opposed to doing a recording project or one-off thing with two people involved. But I'm not staking something that I have a financial interest in on two people who are romantically involved.
  10. bluewine

    bluewine Banned

    Sep 4, 2008
    I feel so picky when I post advice on screening bands and asking a ton of questions.

    However when I hear about this type of story ( 2 years and 2 gigs) I think screening and asking a lot of questions will mitigate the likelihood of this sort of thing happening.

  11. Nah, it's okay.... it was always kind of a fun, vanity project.

    We were supposed to play a lot more gigs than that obviously, but the guitar player quit as soon as we got to that stage, and it took us months to find another one. Then that guy quit after three weeks.
  12. Well... it didn't take me THAT long...

    But I was new to the bass.
  13. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    Well, my wife and I formed our band together, and I can honestly say we're every bit as happy, loving and stable in the band as we are in our real lives.
  14. Exactly right: Don't sh*t where you eat!
  15. fraublugher


    Nov 19, 2004
    ottawa, ontario, canada
    music school retailer
    exception to the rule MM with respect

    Never play in a trio with a "married" couple .
  16. 4dog


    Aug 18, 2012
    Dont do the crew ,, once bitten twice shy,,, live and learn,,, dont eat the yellow snow,, any other cliches that apply well sorry buuuuut,,,,,
  17. Violen

    Violen Instructor in the Vance/Rabbath Method Banned

    Apr 19, 2004
    Kansas City Metro Area
    Endorsing Artist: Conklin Guitars (Basses)
    You got what you paid for!
  18. pacojas

    pacojas "FYYA BUN"

    Oct 11, 2009
    i recently quit a band for 2 reasons.

    1) the songs SUCKED!
    2) the lead singer was obviously hott for one of the B-U singers!!!

    this dude would take every opportunity to say something sexual "to or about" her. it just pissed me off so bad, it tilted my decision to leave. :(
  19. erigod23


    Mar 19, 2007
    Fredericton, NB
    I had the opposite happen. The band was keeping them together. When it ended (amicably), the couple broke up.
  20. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    Actually, the statement had a good amount of irony attached.

    While true, things are relative.