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Why do some very intelligent people choose really bad mates?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by slobake, May 7, 2015.

  1. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    We have all seen it. Really intelligent, attractive, good people choosing mates who use them for everything they can with a sneer. Sometimes we try and talk sense to these people but they just can't see it. They keep going back for more abuse.
    Beautiful smart women who date some guy who hasn't had a job in 20 years and sucks them dry. Good honest dudes who go crawling back to their black widow only to be eaten alive.
    This is not about gender bashing we all know there are rotten men and rotten women or at least we should.
    So why do seemingly smart people turn into idiots when it comes to the opposite sex? I read a few things on the internet but I have my own theory and I would like to hear what you think.
    I think some of us are so desperate for affection that we will ignore everything else just for a little pat on the head. We want someone to genuinely care about us but that can be a rare thing.
    So often we just use other people to get what we think we need. We may not even be aware that we do that but we are humans and that is how we operate.
    Some of us turn into cynical burned out cynics who don't trust anyone. Bitter negative people who push everyone away from them out of fear.
    I think the solution is to find a place where you can be complete by yourself. A place where we are confident in who we are and we don't base our self image on what other people say about us. When we get there then we are ready to give and receive love without expectations. A lot easier said than done, in fact none of us probably do that perfectly but the closer we come to it the better off we will be.

    What do you think?
    Yup, another "Dear Diary" post.:D
    Last edited: May 7, 2015
    champbassist likes this.
  2. Mktrat

    Mktrat Seriously, are we not doing phrasing anymore?

    Apr 9, 2013
    The Mitten
    Dear diary,

    While recovery from my recent bout with yellow hair, I had some time to think about all sorts of off the wall stuff. And then it hit me, like one of those yahoo links for yet another celeb/reality slideshow of wonders.....or was it that recent episode of Dr. Phil on the DVR? :smug:

    You always brighten my day!! Especially when I can poke a bit. :thumbsup:
  3. Joedog


    Jan 28, 2010
    Pensacola FL
    I have no idea, but I'll ask my wife! :rolleyes:
    Rocker949, Gaolee, SteveC and 4 others like this.
  4. One Drop

    One Drop

    Oct 10, 2004
    Swiss Alps
    Almost always a lack of sense of self-worth, unfortunately.
    Mosfed and aborgman like this.
  5. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    Have her call mine and compare notes. On second thought NO don't do that. :eek: ;)
  6. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    Thanks rat.
    "Today on Dr. Phi. Yellow haired man throws furniture around. "
  7. Stewie26

    Stewie26 Supporting Member

    And in addition to that I have had friends who had over bearing mothers who controlled everything in their life growing up. These same guys married the same type of women and ended up being miserable.
    Last edited: May 7, 2015
    murphy and One Drop like this.
  8. Oneirogenic


    Nov 10, 2009
    In my case it was the development of a mental illness in my partner(borderline personality disorder) after we'd already been together for awhile and not wanting to tear the family and life we'd built together apart. I kept thinking she'd get better. She never tried hard enough and was often in denial. If you know anything about BPD you'll understand what I went through a little bit better. I finally drew the line at physical violence and my daughter and I are much better for it. My ex seems to be doing better too. The tragedy of BPD is that they often hurt the ones they love the most and the ones they love the most trigger their harmful behavior. So me leaving was best thing I could do for her. I've definitely moved on to a much better partner but I still love her, she's the mother of my child and she was my best friend for years. Hopefully someone can lighten the mood after me haha :D
  9. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    I agree that a lot of it has to do with lack of self-worth. The other thing that occurs to me is that the negative things about the person may not have been obvious when the relationship started. Sometimes the person in question seemed attractive, funny, and charming when the relationship started. They were "on," so to speak. Once they get into the relationship, they slowly stop putting up the facade and their real character comes out. I can see a starry-eyed young idealist getting taken under the spell of a person who comes across like a genius who's going to change the world. Only gradually do they realize that the "genius" is just an arrogant blowhard who thinks the world owes everything to him and doesn't appreciate him, and who thinks that doing anything for anyone else, or just getting a job and supporting himself, is beneath his dignity. Or a woman who seems like the quintessence of beauty and glamour but who doesn't want a relationship with a human being, she wants a footservant. Once those types get their hooks into someone, they themselves find and exploit any self-doubt and take advantage of their generosity. "You don't really care about me," "No one else will ever love you," "How could you be so selfish not to do this for me?", etc. etc. Sickening but it seems to happen all the time.
  10. warrplayer


    Apr 16, 2008
    Charlotte, NC
    Because choosing whom you want to mate with is a blind evolutionary process of your subconscious not a rational decision. You don't get a choice in who floats your boat, wets your whistle, raises your flag,(etc).
    Jazz Ad and murphy like this.
  11. hdracer


    Feb 15, 2009
    Elk River, MN.
    Because they are really good in bed.
  12. yodedude2

    yodedude2 Supporting Member

    Nov 19, 2005
    san antonio, texas
    it's archaic to talk about an "intelligent" person as though intelligence is a cup and some people simply have a fuller cup than others. check out multiple intelligence theory (and the idea that a person can be super intelligent in language or math and super unintelligent in interpersonal relations): Gardner's Multiple Intelligences
  13. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    :) I mean beside that.
  14. hdracer


    Feb 15, 2009
    Elk River, MN.
    I think that is what it boils down to.
    If someone with a lack of self-worth meets someone that rocks their world it makes them feel good about themselves.
    If they are in a bad relationship and want to leave all it takes to make them stay is some great sex and they stay.
    People relate sex and love.
    The worst relationships I have been in also had some of the best sex I have ever had.
    sparkyfender2, murphy and One Drop like this.
  15. Yes, and I think there's something related to that: we may be attracted to people with an (unwarranted) high sense of self-worth or confidence. We meet someone who is arrogant or overconfident, and we mistake it for genuine strength. On some level, maybe subconscious, we think that this person must really have it all together to be so confident. The truth is they're just a jerk. They treat us like crap, and we think we must deserve it since it's coming from this strong, confident person.

    /amateur psychology
    murphy likes this.
  16. Mktrat

    Mktrat Seriously, are we not doing phrasing anymore?

    Apr 9, 2013
    The Mitten
    ^^ I kinda have to agree with this ^^ :thumbsup::thumbsup:
  17. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    The next question then (after all my Avatar is Columbo) Was is worth it?
  18. AlembicPlayer

    AlembicPlayer Im not wearing shorts

    Aug 15, 2004
    Pacific Northwet, USA
    Bob Dylan once said "you can never be wise and be in love at the same time."
    ryco and Stewie26 like this.
  19. FunkHead

    FunkHead Supporting Member

    Mar 10, 2007
    It's purely about chemistry! When a Girl loves a guy He can do no wrong in her eyes. What always gets me is the lies that get told and how they are believed.
    murphy likes this.
  20. Mktrat

    Mktrat Seriously, are we not doing phrasing anymore?

    Apr 9, 2013
    The Mitten
    I'll say yes and no, more yes than no. I'll stop there.
    murphy likes this.

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