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Wife of Band Member Wants To Tell Us What To Do!

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by FriscoBassAce, May 4, 2006.

  1. FriscoBassAce


    Dec 29, 2004
    Frisco, Texas
    Independent Manufacturers Representative
    This has been a topic before, but this just happened to my band last night. The wife of one of our members is very jealous toward her husband and won't let him go to any gigs without her. This has caused him to arrive later than we all agreed upon at a previous gig, and now she is pitching a fit about a huge gig that we just got offered for next Friday night. She told me that they will have a hard time getting to the gig on time since they both have to drop off the kids at grandma's house first (about a 50 mile trip), and then turn up at the gig. They both have cars, and I don't understand why she can't take the kids and then meet up with him later.

    She also said that she will accompany him to ALL of our gigs, even if it's a private party or wedding and she's not invited. I have some VERY strong opinions about wives butting into the band's business, and this is killing me. Her husband is a talented musician, and a very important piece of our group. We've been working very hard for the last 6 months to get gig ready, and now the offers are pouring in. We don't want to fire him, but on the other hand, we don't want to put up with her bull****.

    We're going to practice tonight and we plan on talking about this. What should we tell the guy? I've tried explaining that this is business, but he said that he and his wife made a promise when they got married last year that they would never go to parties, clubs, or gigs without the other. I think she's being ridiculous and is showing her petty jealousy. He thinks he's living up to his promise. Touchy situation, and I just want to get past it.

  2. Woodchuck


    Apr 21, 2000
    Atlanta (Grant Park!)
    Gallien Krueger for the last 12 years!
    Been there! Unless he gets his nuts out of her purse, nothing you say is going to matter. It's on him. In our case, we ended up firing the guy. He didn't want his nuts back. :rollno: :eyebrow: My wife will tell you, I told her she can ride along with this willingly or against her will, but she will ride! Luckily, she's been VERY supportive.
  3. txbasschik


    Nov 11, 2005
    Leander, Texas
    This is no bueno, man. He made a promise to her...one she probably *extracted* from him, but nevertheless...he gave his word.

    So...the choice is up to him. Either *he* gets her to give him some wiggle room where his gigs are concerned, or he will have to stop playing. That would suck, but...he gave his word.

    She is being awfully immature and selfish, IMO. I would love to go to all my husband's gigs, but I can't. My kids need me, too. And, after you've been to several gigs in a row, its gets kinda boring. I try to wait a few gigs in between, so the music will be fresh for me, and they'll have new tunes, too.

    What the heck does she think will happen when they have children? She can't haul a baby to a gig! Unless she cultivates some very reliable babysitting, she'll have to stay home all the time.

    Wait...they *have* kids! Is she nuts? She's nuts.

    The wife sounds like a very insecure person.

    Cherie :(
  4. The issue seems to be a trust issue between husband and wife (I'm no Dr. Phil, but it sound like fidelity worries) so she's not gonna budge on it. You can either a) kick him out or b) creative problem solve. The first choice involves you getting a new musician. The second choice involves you figuring out solutions to problems related to this situation. It's more work but may be worth it. For example - for you next gig, if you all think about it I'm sure you can figure out other child care options. Maybe the sitters can come in to town. Maybe there are other sitting options. Maybe there is a way to delay the start. Maybe people can shuttle the kids for them. Maybe people can go into work early and get out early eliminating the time crunch. I guess you have to decide which option is best for the band.

    Good luck!
  5. Rob Lewis

    Rob Lewis

    Feb 23, 2006
    Spinal Tap territory again: "you can't sing and you can't play 'cos of your f*****g wife or whatever she f*****g well is"...
  6. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    How sad, sometimes I need to bribe my wife to get her to go watch me play. :(
  7. Fo' Shizzle

    Fo' Shizzle

    Aug 28, 2003
    Start referring to her as "Yoko"
  8. munificent


    Mar 15, 2005
    I'll second that.

    Is there a friend the wife trusts that can act as a chaperone in cases where the wife can't make it to the gig?
  9. Twiggy Jr.

    Twiggy Jr.

    Nov 17, 2005
    tell that your bandmember to grow a pair and quit being a puss. let me guess, he's the guitarist...j/k
  10. I agree it sounds like some trust issues, but you can't do anything about that.

    Bottom line is wife trumps band . . . at least if you have your priorities straight it does. The band is a hobby, the marriage is a lifelong commitment. I mean if your drummer is going to be there to wipe your a$$ when you are 85, then not only do you have one hell of a drummer, but a truly over-commited friend, but I doubt that is going to happen.

    I say you let the guy know that your priorities are not the same as his right now, and if it continues to be a source of contention, then you may have to find someone else.

    I quit a band where I was making $250 a night playing cover tunes, as many nights a week as we wanted, when our daughter was born. I love music, but I'd throw it all in a lake right now if I had to for my family. That's just me.
  11. tell her to shove a pike up her @$$ and she won't be thinking of her husband screwing a groupie at a gig!

    good god man, I'm never getting married. I'm not letting any wife or girlfriend of mine EVER strap a medicine ball to my leg to keep me from branching out and playing music and meeting people. People have brains and (hopefully for most) a conscience. and if you test that long enough, it'll be no wonder if her guy's getting with some other girl
  12. Blueszilla

    Blueszilla Bassist ordinaire

    Apr 2, 2003
    The Duke City

    They have kids, yes? 50 mile trip to Grandmas 'n such. This person is a control freak and your buddy either knows and is willing to live with it or has blinded himself to the obvious. More pathetic than sad, perhaps counseling is indicated..

    It seems like when things finally get going well (loads of offers, etc..) someone (or someone's someone?!?) has to spit in the cereal.
  13. Another option would be for someone else in the band to go by and pick him up and then his wife show up later, once she has dropped off the kids with a sitter. Then they could leave the gig together when it is over.
  14. I'm guessing she's been cheated on - by him or another guy. Tell him and her this is a second job, not a hobby and he needs to start treating it as such by showing up on time and performing his part of the job. T

    One thing that might help is behaving very well when she's around. Show her that you're not a bunch of college kids or wannabe rock stars looking to get laid and/or drunk every gig and she may well lighten up.

    Another possible solution. Give her a job to do - man the mailing list (you do have one, right?) sign-up table, merchandise table, run lights, something/anything, so she feels responsible for getting there on time and doing her part too.
  15. I would let him know that it is his responsibility to show up on time, and that he needs to deal with this. If not, then start looking for a new bandmate...his wife isn't in the band, her pitching a fit shouldn't be a band poblem. Good luck!
  16. Woodchuck


    Apr 21, 2000
    Atlanta (Grant Park!)
    Gallien Krueger for the last 12 years!
    NO!!! If she's being a dildo now, you give her those responsibilities and she'll want to make band decisions. Trust me, I've seen this before.
  17. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Maybe she'll start playing with the dildo.
  18. Sherwood


    Mar 17, 2006
    Beijing, PRC
    My guess is that this member of the band has had some issues in the past going to clubs unaccompanied. Some people do things in certain situations that they later wish they hadn't done. It seems like this is the issue, not so much the wife's "refusal" to let this band member play a gig without her.

    The bottom line is this: he and his wife have an agreement that he is trying to honor, and it seems like his bandmates are trying to come between that. I understand that this situation is far from perfect, but if you come between this guy and his wife you'll not only have hurt his marriage, but he'll likely have to leave the band to make it up to her anyways. Try and work something out diplomatically, I'm sure in time she'll start trusting him to play shows without her there.

    My wife wanted to be involved in my band, and we have her running the merch table, hustling gigs, and sweet talking promoters, just like bradjonesbass suggested. This may not work for you, but I guarantee telling him to cowboy up and stop listening to his b**ch wife won't either.
  19. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    Don't accomodate this BS. Tell this guy that his wife doesn't have any say in band decisions. Tell him that part of his job in the band it to show up on time and play his parts. Do not do anything to accomodate this behavior, and DEFINITELY don't give any job associated with the band. There is no need for you to discuss any of this with the wife because she is not part of the band. Tell him to inform his wife that she is only invited to the gigs open to the public, and that she will not be invited to the private party gigs. There's no need to fire this guy. Either he will choose to do his part, or he will choose to quit.
  20. jive1

    jive1 Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    I agree - wife trumps band. The issue with his wife is his problem, not yours. Your problem is dealing with the musicians, and based on what your band is doing and trying to do, you have a problem with one of the band members. Regardless of whether or not his problem is because of gambling, drugs, alcohol, wife, etc., sometimes you just gotta let someone go so they can work on their issues.

    Simply put, you gotta put the ball in his court. Just tell him that you don't want the band to get in the way of his marriage and that you respect his family. Then work on a plan for replacing him. If he wants to stick around, then let him work on his wife. It's not your problem, it's his. His marriage, his problem, plain and simple.

    It's pretty unprofessional for a musician to bring their wife to certain gigs. It can be a faux pas for an invited guest to bring extra folks, but it's just downright rude for the hired help (sorry that's what it is sometimes) to bring friends to their job. If I paid $50 or more a head at my wedding reception, I'd be pissed off if the band brought in an extra head that I might have to pay for. And, why would my wife want to go to party where it'll be rude to eat, drink, mingle, etc? I think my wife would rather stay home, than crash a party and do the hokey-pokey.

    Sometimes there's gigs where I wouldn't want my wife around. Not because I'm up to no good, but I don't want my wife hanging out alone at some of the places I play at. I don't want to have to jump off stage and "lecture" someone who is getting fresh with my old lady. It's bad for my band, my marriage, and the venue.

    If you have a working band that's making some dough, finding a replacement will be much easier. Let this guy work on his marriage, so you can work on your band.

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