A Musician's Dictionary AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary. ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit. BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians. BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig. CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town. CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much. CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled. CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time. CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent. CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough. CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye. CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to. CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up. DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working. ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it. JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans. JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad. MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp. METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors. MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself. NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium. NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise. ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it . PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing. PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune. PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven. SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich. STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family. STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.'' 24\7: the time signature of the national anthem of India. UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back. VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer. VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to. WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos. YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.