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You are not 'IN THE STUDIO' if-

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Paulabass, Feb 28, 2018.

  1. Paulabass

    Paulabass Supporting Member

    Sep 18, 2017
    As a companion piece to- You are not 'ON TOUR' if.

    You are not 'IN THE STUDIO' if-
    Any of your mics are from Radio Shack.
    Your perfect take is interrupted by your Mom bringing you sandwiches.
    You can hear a dog barking in the masters.
    All your recording gear fits in a shoebox.
    There is a toilet in your vocal booth.
    Your bed is in the studio, but you've named your room 'Studio A'.
    You've stacked up guitar cases as a Gobo.
    Your engineer, AND producer is you.
    One word- midi drums.
    Your television surround sound is also your studio monitors.
    You have ever mastered anything wearing headphones.
    You can hear your buddy playing with his Zippo in the overheads.
    You can't do vocals today cause your lead singer is grounded.
    You Nintendo box is causing a ground loop.

    Carry on...
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2018
    JRA, pablomago, ELG60 and 26 others like this.
  2. Paulabass

    Paulabass Supporting Member

    Sep 18, 2017
    You don't need no stinkin' ProTools, a perfectly good app came with your iPad.
  3. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    You have to move your car out of the garage to make room in the "Recording Studio"
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2018
    ELG60, DenverontheOne, kobass and 6 others like this.
  4. bass12

    bass12 And Grace, too

    Jun 8, 2008
    Montreal, Canada
    ... if you're not going broke recording your independent E.P.
  5. With the exception of Good Morning Good Morning.
    mikewalker and IamGroot like this.
  6. Wisebass


    Jan 12, 2017
    Lost in Space
    When grandpa comes in to feed the chicken.

  7. Your sound engineer is the neighbor's pig.
    JRA, mikewalker, McG and 10 others like this.
  8. knumbskull


    Jul 28, 2007
    I thought of the “mum/sandwiches” thing as soon as i read the title! Spooky...



    NJRG, JRA, mikewalker and 11 others like this.
  9. BBox Bass

    BBox Bass Supporting Member

    Apr 2, 2011
    NW Pennsylvania
    You can't plug your instrument into the recording interface because it's sitting on top of the computer and the cat is napping on the computer in front of the interface (yes, it's happened to me).
    S-Bigbottom and mikewalker like this.
  10. Paulabass

    Paulabass Supporting Member

    Sep 18, 2017
    You keep saying you're pulling an all nighter. Your Mom keeps calling it a sleep over.
    JRA, mikewalker, McG and 7 others like this.
  11. 74hc


    Nov 19, 2015
    Duh, that's the throne room.
  12. Comes from many years in the audio game my thousands of hours of studying and actually recording and mixing has created a very bleak outlook on most people claiming "hey yo I'm an engineerz too!". Cause you know anyone can do it right......#face Palm #hate the world ##everyones a pro audio engineer (I bet you can smell my negativity)

    My biggest pet peeve is everyone always asks a million questions along the way and acts like bc they've been exposed to their buddies 2 track and a laptop that that's not how it's done. Hey buddy you don't see me going up to the construction worker building my house and ask him 10000 questions in the span of an hour and say things like is that the right way to lay concrete or rebar. Jesus man let me do my job and at least let me show you the finished product before you try to "educate me". Problem is I try to educate them and they always end up giving me a blank stare and start drooling bc the subject is so much deeper than they thought it could be and so many questions are not as easily answered without learning multiple subjects. Yee thats why it takes a lifetime like playing an instrument to be truly great at this. And now without further ado my list. Jeez don't even get me started.

    You're not in the studio if....

    Your idea of bass traps is moving blankets draped over Mic stands

    Your buddy has a pro tools rig with his wonderful mbox and he has that one plug in that masters your mix real good and makes it sound pro. Why would you need anything else

    If your idea of mixing is buying a stereo bounce of a "beat" so you can lay down vocals and then your "buddy who runs a recording studio" can "mix" it in the box because plug ins are better than analog outboard and that's What mixing is and hey that easily can be justified as 20 bucks and hour cause you know its hip hop

    You have no idea what a patch bay is

    Your studio monitors are as close to the wall as possible and the "engineer" says yo don't worry we got dat room treatment (points to egg crate foam)

    You ask the engineer if he has taken waterfall plots of the room and he responds with "man whatch you talking bout don't need none of dat we got deez beats studio mastering headphones". Water fall plots man that sounds like you got the runs

    You consistently confuse and do not know difference between mixing and mastering

    If the "engineer" records your instrument in the room right next to him and his monitors are louder than your instrument and you can hear the click thru your isolation headphones from the other room

    If you ask for a cue feed and the engineer has no clue what that is

    The closest thing to your engineers concept of a dynamic envelope is a usps global priority mail packet he just got his new "studio grade mic" in

    There is not a single piece of outboard gear not even a preamp

    All of the microphones are sm57s slammed into a digi 003 straight into cheap plastic distorted goodness

    The engineers concept of gain staging is MAX always because louder is always better

    If your engineers concept of translation is using Google translate to order food at the local authentic Mexican food restaurant

    If your engineers concept of decoupling is that he had to break it off with his girlfriend before the session

    The engineer thinks you don't need much equipment to do the job bc "the computer does most of it"

    Your studios only concept of phase is from comic books and shifting thru walls in sci fi movies

    When the engineer thinks bass modes are a form of low frequency boost for their beats

    When asked why he got into audio the engineers response is "make beatz"

    A typical response from the "staff" is don't worry we can fix that in post it's pro tools

    The studios idea of a snake is to show you their reptile collection

    If the engineers idea of an insert is your Mic cable jack

    If the engineers concept of slapback is defined as the interim in a slap fight

    If the engineers idea of comb filtering is to wipe of some of the Jerry curl juice from his comb

    If the tracking room is covered in concrete and all of the Mic cables are run direct to an Interface 10 feet away

    If your engineers idea of frequency response is to play a test tone or frequency generator tone and wait for a response.

    If the engineer when asked about improving the noise floor responds with pfft don'
    Worry about it no one'
    Home they ain't gonna be no noisy floor

    "Diffusion man what! there ain't no bombs in here"

    Phantom power Is defined by your engineer as the all being energy in the universe and our innate connection to music

    Condenser mics are nowhere to be found

    "Who would use a ribbon Mic them mics is fo bitches"

    The engineer has a sub with no room treatment

    The main studio monitors were once a video game monitoring setup

    Monitor stands are where you put your drinks

    What's a compressor is a question that comes up

    Eq is only used for boosting

    Everything needs low end, everything needs to be huge (you know because allocating space isn't a thing)

    You hear I've got a plug in for that

    You hear I've got this setting on my mastering software that will make your songs sound like and album

    Punch ins are defined as fights in the control room over weed

    Synhronization is defined as everyone bobbing their head to throbbing kick beats

    Trs is a term some are using for some sort of terminal disease

    The maintenance tech holds the soldering iron by the metal bits

    Mic phasing is defined as an angry client throwing your sm57 thru a wall

    "Acoustics of the room sound just great without any treatment"

    Reverb is defined as the phasing from overdubbed vocals and the inherent comb filtering from not correcting or aligning transients. To them it's
    Reverb to me it's garbage

    The delay you are hearing in your cue is not from an effect but in fact the mix engine and it's latency. When the engineer to fix it with some delay compensation his response is your just not used to recording

    Headphone splitters only output on one side of the stereo image

    When asking the engineer if he will do any volume automation his response is "you mean to tell me they have a plugin that will mix for me!"

    Your idea of proper vocal micing is to shove the mic in your face, dance around the room, and jangle your chains

    The tracking room has no headphone feed and your cue is the monitors feeding directly into the Mic

    Tempo maps are perceived as some sort of qauntization

    Man I could keep going FOREVER all of these were on a whim from all the stupidity I've ran into over the years... I'm becoming such a bitter man over time. I'l give you guys some more off the top of my head if it goes over well
    JRA, S-Bigbottom, pablomago and 10 others like this.
  13. scuzzy


    Feb 15, 2006
    Troy, MO
    I use my cell phone mic to record in my friends pottery studio. It's technically a studio recording, get over it...
    Mr_Moo, Slorra440, MrLenny1 and 2 others like this.
  14. StatesideRambler


    Jul 1, 2015
    Or Pet Sounds (ask an Old Guy).
    ICM likes this.
  15. skwee


    Apr 2, 2010
    The sad part is: people really are mixing using Beats. The rationale being that since that's "what the kids are listening through on the bus", you might as well do it that way.

    Meanwhile, I just got a new turntable. I'll be listening to things on that.
    Mr_Moo and sevenyearsdown like this.
  16. Wisebass


    Jan 12, 2017
    Lost in Space
    When the sign on the door says "Jimmy 's Barn Studios"
    instead of "Jimmy Barnes Studios".

    JRA, mohrds, Spidey2112 and 1 other person like this.
  17. navijaz

    navijaz Guest

    Sep 20, 2016
    Just smirk at any of the above and laugh all the way to the bank if you happen to be recording one of the following albums:

    Exile on Main Street
    Led Zeppelin IV
    Emma, Forever Ago
    Wasting Light
    Jim Nazium, Mr_Moo, HolmeBass and 5 others like this.
  18. dxb


    Dec 25, 2016
    I get that its a little silly to tell people you're "in the studio" when its just your bedroom, but that doesn't mean you can't make good music with an ipad or cheap mics, or that there's anything inherently wrong with midi drums or having a dog barking in the background of a recording. Its all good if that's what you're going for. Its more important to have knowledge and creativity than expensive gear.
  19. navijaz

    navijaz Guest

    Sep 20, 2016
    In fact, many of the greatest jazz records were recorded in a very primitive way in RVG's living room.
    JRA, Mr_Moo, HolmeBass and 2 others like this.
  20. cnltb


    May 28, 2005
    RGV ?

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