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You know you're a gui**** when...

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by gahpg, Mar 18, 2008.


  1. gahpg

    gahpg

    Jun 30, 2007
    Brookfield IL
    Dunno if a thread like this has been done before, but seems like an interesting idea. Here's some from my very tired mind (humor isn't at its best, but whatever.) Take it away!

    -You think ear protection is for pussies, and you play out of tune as a result.
    -You play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or another over played song over, and over, and over, and over again. (very true for someone at my school, lol)
    -You're playing loudly while your band mates are trying to discuss what to do with the song.
    -You only play music that is on the dots.
    -You tell everyone "HEY CAN YOU GUYS PLAY THIS" and proceed to play some really fast riff that is all over the place and everyone else is trying to figure out what the hell is going on. You continue playing despite everyone's repeated attempts to tell you to stop.
    -People try to ask you what key you're playing a riff in and you don't respond because you're too busy playing by yourself.
    -You're the absolute first to get set up at practice and the loudest.
    -You tell the bassist to turn it down
    -You're telling someone how to play something (especially drums) and you try to imitate the noise but you end up making yourself look really stupid. (I.E. a gui**** at my school trying to show the drummer how the intro to Zep's Rock N' Roll goes...)
    -You need a solo in every song
    -You wanna wreck your instrument and other band members instruments just to be an *******.
    -You ask the bassist "Why are you playing with your fingers?"
    -You also ask "It's only 4 strings! How hard can it be?"
    -You also ask "What the hell do you need pedals for? Give them to ME!"
    -You ask band members "Why are you bothering with those EQ knobs? Turn yourself down if anything!" and you don't adjust your EQ at all. In fact, you crank everything, even the EQ. Can't tell the difference anyway with all the distortion that's there.
    -You make fun of your bassist saying he can't even be heard.
    -If you can't hear yourself the mix isn't good. Turn your amp louder.
    -You're too busy flirting with girls on stage to focus on the actual song.
    -You ditched your band mates to get some tail, and that's why you never came back from the intermission.
    -You think a guitar running clean without distortion sucks.
    -You love guitar center and you're the bastard that keeps playing Crazy Train, Sweet Child O' Mine, Iron Man and Stairway To Heaven amongst many others.
    -You think music without guitar solos sucks
     
  2. Lammchop93

    Lammchop93 Supporting Member

    Feb 4, 2007
    Louisville, KY
    Wow...so true. I compared these to my gui****ed neighbor and he got them all except for two, and he's not even in a band!:D
     
  3. 73jbass

    73jbass Supporting Member

    Apr 17, 2004
    Ellenwood,Ga.
    "That has to be the right key,it's on the fret markers".
    "I tune down 1/2 step because everybody in Nashville does."
    "Stevie Ray Vaughn is the greatest guitar player ever."
    And after attempting The Boys are back in Town, "Man, them are some hard chords!"


    Actual quotes from a former bandmate. Moron..
     
  4. WayneS

    WayneS

    Apr 9, 2007
    Virginia
    With 90% of them, couldnt the same be said for a "bassitard"?
     
  5. gahpg

    gahpg

    Jun 30, 2007
    Brookfield IL
    gui**** has a better ring to it though :p

    there's so many guitarist out there that i've met that fit those descriptions. When I run into a bassist (not often for me) they're usually not like that, although I can see what you're saying.
     
  6. Incognitus

    Incognitus Amen!

    Mar 25, 2006
    Eagle River, Alaska
    Describes a former guitarist of mine, he's gotten worse since I left. He fits almost every single one of those. He hasn't touched his EQ in years and his tone is horrible, and he solo's through every song and oh just read the list above and you got him.
     
  7. Dogbertday

    Dogbertday Commercial User

    Jul 10, 2007
    SE Wisconsin
    Blaine Music LLC
    would the bass version be pornounced bastard? or bass-tard?... and for that matter i've always been confused over gui****... is it like gui****... or geetard...

    your a gui**** if
    -you think that if you stop playing at full volume for a part of a song the world will end
     
  8. ehque

    ehque

    Jan 8, 2006
    Singapore
    From personal experience gui****s are the only people who take longer than 2 seconds to identify the key they are soloing in.
     
  9. pklima

    pklima Commercial User

    May 2, 2003
    Kraków, Polska
    Karoryfer Samples
    ...you tune down or use a capo and tell other people to "play a D" when you happen to be using a D fingering to produce a completely different note. It's even more irritating when you are drop-tuned so you mean something different by "D", depending on which string you're on.

    ...you write out the chords to a song in Eb major and it starts out looking like "G#, g, f".

    ...you have difficulty understanding the concept that you can leave some notes out of a chord if someone else (say, a pianist) is playing them.

    In short, your ability to communicate with non-guitarists isn't very good.
     
  10. Nick Kay

    Nick Kay

    Jul 26, 2007
    Toronto, Ontario
    Your amp has two settings: Off, and 11.
     
  11. eotpr

    eotpr

    Jun 25, 2007
    I worked with one that didn't know he was playing F#m so he called it B~ when he wrote chords.
     
  12. arthurzen

    arthurzen

    Feb 29, 2008
    New England
    I would say this is true for most guitarists, but then again guitar seems to be the instrument that so many people pick up and teach themselves and have absolutely no music training.

    Really, you can say a lot of these negatives about anyone that doesn't have any knowledge of theory.
     
  13. The Owl

    The Owl

    Aug 14, 2005
    Atlanta GA
    ROTFLMAO!!!!!! All too true in many cases :D

    Weird thing is, I also play lead guitar myself and I absolutely cannot stand gui****s as described here!
     
  14. The Owl

    The Owl

    Aug 14, 2005
    Atlanta GA
    You know you're a gui**** when:

    You like musicians based solely on how fast they can play.
     
  15. JmJ

    JmJ

    Jan 1, 2008
    NYC
    You know you're a gui**** when you ask the rhythm section to move the groove from F# to A so you can take a solo
     
  16. Ron Plichta

    Ron Plichta Supporting Member

    May 19, 2007
    Fairfax, VA
    And that list separates "guitarists" from "gui****s". I've met my share of buttheads as described above and I've met guitarists who know how to weave their tone into the bigger scheme of things. The latter is worth his weight in gold.
     
  17. Pearldiver

    Pearldiver

    Apr 30, 2005
    I still prefer basshole. :D:bag::p
     
  18. The_Orlonater

    The_Orlonater

    Jun 6, 2007
    You go on Ultimate-Guitar.com.

    :bag:
     
  19. Ramstien

    Ramstien

    Aug 19, 2007
    Perth
    I only go there for the tabs.
     
  20. Stealth

    Stealth

    Feb 5, 2008
    Zagreb, Croatia
    Reminds me of a guy I know. He checks out on 12/22 things from the list.
     

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