You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If

I said yes to 12.

I'm 44

 

I've thrown my back out on stage twice, and I'm 18.

I don't refuse to play without earplugs as such. It just really, really annoys me if I forget them. I'll use tissue or whatever instead. Hearing protection = important! Thank you Boplicity...

And who's George Burns?

 

1, 2 and 16 for me.

 

I know all the words to Aqualung and I'm 19. Does that make me old?

 

Extremely....

 

--You had to switch to extra-light gauge strings
--You turn your nose up at the bartender because the only non-light beer the club has is Michelob
--You whine because the bar doesn't have any fresh coffee made
--The Waffle House sounds less and less appetizing

 

When you start forgetting where and how to get to your Gigs

 

I'm almost 20 and most of the time have no idea where my gig is or how I'm going to manage to get there.

Also... regarding needing glasses to see amp settings... not funny! I have horrible vision and need glasses to see at arms reach!

 

I've experience a few of those, and I'm not even that old (34).

Here's some others:
- "Ultimate in portability" supercedes "ultimate in tone"
- The drugs you use in the parking lot are Ben Gay and Motrin
- No one asks "wanna grab a bite to eat" after a gig
- An evening watching TV sounds more fun than an unpaid gig
- A group of cute young girls requests a song that you never heard of
- When hitting on the waitress, she tries to set you up with her mother
- The band van smells like IcyHot and Potpurri instead of stale beer and smoke
- You run gigs past your wife for approval
- You think about yardwork during a gig
- You wake up before noon the day after a gig
- A 2 hour rehearsal seems like a long time
- Your straps get wider and more expensive

 

Man, several of these hit way too close to home.

I haven't been alive long enough to feel this old.

 

More like "you've traded in your earplugs for hearing aids."

 

You can't haul your gear in your electric wheelchair.

 

Your volume gets lower, and your bass gets higher.

 

And further out..........

 

Try these:

1. You ask the bar maid for an Ensure between sets

2. Your gig kit includes extra diapers AND batteries

3. You can't physically cinch your strap up any tighter

4. Fans ask for the AARP discount

5. You play for the "Early-Bird" crowd

6. You seriously consider that "strap-in-a-shirt" idea

7. You take an orthopedic device to gigs

8. You are sponsored by Viagra

9. Bob Dole is your lead singer

10. You sing a song made famous by Buddy Ebson

11. You start to think Burl Ives was really cool

12. You appear on VH-1

13. Your bass was made by Stradivarius

14. Your car is the same color as your bass

15. You refer to your gig clothes as an "outfit"

16. You qualify as "vintage"

17. You watch Lawrence Welk for performance tips

18. You KNOW Burl Ives is cool

19. You suggest the band look into a couple Gilbert & Sullivan tunes

20. You come to the conclusion that, yes, it is the most exhausting thing in the world to pack up your amp at 3:00AM. So you just leave it there. And never, ever come back

 

You wear your pants higher than your bass.

Randy

 

This one somehow reminded me of something I saw a couple of years ago and was telling my band about recently. I saw Little Jack Melody and his Young Turks, at least I think that's what he was calling his group that day.

One of the songs he did was 99 luftballoons, but then he segued into Deutschland Uber Alles...and held up cue cards so the audience could sing along...in German. We don't have many German speakers in North Texas. He was pointing at the syllable that fit the beat as he went along, sort of 'paper and flesh karaoke'. It was hilarious.

I told the guys in my band how funny it was and said we ought to have Joanna sing something really obscure with a crowd participation part and have her do the cue card thing like Jack did.

They just looked at me like I suddenly had three eyes and six noses.