You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by NJL, Nov 28, 2005.

  1. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio

    -- Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body.
    -- It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan than your amp.
    -- During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals.
    -- You refuse to play out of tune.
    -- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round a golf.
    -- Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
    -- All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
    -- You love shopping the dollar store because you can sing along to most of your playlist.
    -- You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
    -- Instead of a fifth piece, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money.
    -- You've lost the directions to the gig.
    -- Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.
    -- Most of the hairs you've plucked from your chin or nose are gray.
    -- You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
    -- You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
    -- You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
    -- The waitress is your daughter.
    -- You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
    -- Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
    -- You find your drink tokens from last year's gig in your guitar case.
    -- You no longer use a tip jar.
    -- You refuse to play without earplugs.
    -- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
    -- You want an opening act.
    -- You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
    -- High notes make you cough.
    -- Your gig stool has a back.
    -- You're related to at least one other member of the band.
    -- You need a nap before the gig.
    -- You don't let anyone "sit in."
    -- After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
    -- During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.
    -- You prefer a music stand with a light.
    -- You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
    -- You can't operate without a set list.
    -- You say you double on bass.
    -- You discourage playing longer than contracted.
    -- You have a contract.
    -- You know all the words to "Aqualung."

  2. Max

    Max Supporting Member

    Feb 14, 2000
    Bakersfield, CA
    I said yes to 12. :D

    I'm 44
  3. SnoMan

    SnoMan Words Words Words Supporting Member

    Jan 27, 2001
    Charleston, WV
  4. I've thrown my back out on stage twice, and I'm 18. :D

    I don't refuse to play without earplugs as such. It just really, really annoys me if I forget them. I'll use tissue or whatever instead. Hearing protection = important! Thank you Boplicity... :bassist:

    And who's George Burns? :p
  5. Edwcdc

    Edwcdc I call shotgun!

    Jul 21, 2003
    Columbia MD USA
    1, 2 and 16 for me.
  6. I know all the words to Aqualung and I'm 19. Does that make me old?
  7. SnoMan

    SnoMan Words Words Words Supporting Member

    Jan 27, 2001
    Charleston, WV

  8. lneal


    Apr 12, 2002
    Lee County, Alabama
    --You had to switch to extra-light gauge strings
    --You turn your nose up at the bartender because the only non-light beer the club has is Michelob
    --You whine because the bar doesn't have any fresh coffee made
    --The Waffle House sounds less and less appetizing


    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    When you start forgetting where and how to get to your Gigs :p
  10. I'm almost 20 and most of the time have no idea where my gig is or how I'm going to manage to get there.

    Also... regarding needing glasses to see amp settings... not funny! I have horrible vision and need glasses to see at arms reach!
  11. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    I've experience a few of those, and I'm not even that old (34).

    Here's some others:
    - "Ultimate in portability" supercedes "ultimate in tone"
    - The drugs you use in the parking lot are Ben Gay and Motrin
    - No one asks "wanna grab a bite to eat" after a gig
    - An evening watching TV sounds more fun than an unpaid gig
    - A group of cute young girls requests a song that you never heard of
    - When hitting on the waitress, she tries to set you up with her mother
    - The band van smells like IcyHot and Potpurri instead of stale beer and smoke
    - You run gigs past your wife for approval
    - You think about yardwork during a gig
    - You wake up before noon the day after a gig
    - A 2 hour rehearsal seems like a long time
    - Your straps get wider and more expensive
  12. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    Man, several of these hit way too close to home.

    I haven't been alive long enough to feel this old.
  13. More like "you've traded in your earplugs for hearing aids."
  14. Pacman

    Pacman Layin' Down Time Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 1, 2000
    Omaha, Nebraska
    Endorsing Artist: Roscoe Guitars, DR Strings, Aguilar Amplification
    I lost count on yes answers....
  15. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    You can't haul your gear in your electric wheelchair.
  16. Woodchuck


    Apr 21, 2000
    Atlanta / Macon (sigh)
    Gallien Krueger for the last 12 years!
    Your volume gets lower, and your bass gets higher.
  17. lneal


    Apr 12, 2002
    Lee County, Alabama
    And further out.......... :bassist:
  18. Folmeister

    Folmeister Knowledge is Good - Emile Faber Supporting Member

    May 7, 2003
    Tomball, Texas
    Try these:

    1. You ask the bar maid for an Ensure between sets

    2. Your gig kit includes extra diapers AND batteries

    3. You can't physically cinch your strap up any tighter

    4. Fans ask for the AARP discount

    5. You play for the "Early-Bird" crowd

    6. You seriously consider that "strap-in-a-shirt" idea

    7. You take an orthopedic device to gigs

    8. You are sponsored by Viagra

    9. Bob Dole is your lead singer

    10. You sing a song made famous by Buddy Ebson

    11. You start to think Burl Ives was really cool

    12. You appear on VH-1

    13. Your bass was made by Stradivarius

    14. Your car is the same color as your bass

    15. You refer to your gig clothes as an "outfit"

    16. You qualify as "vintage"

    17. You watch Lawrence Welk for performance tips

    18. You KNOW Burl Ives is cool

    19. You suggest the band look into a couple Gilbert & Sullivan tunes

    20. You come to the conclusion that, yes, it is the most exhausting thing in the world to pack up your amp at 3:00AM. So you just leave it there. And never, ever come back
  19. You wear your pants higher than your bass.

  20. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    This one somehow reminded me of something I saw a couple of years ago and was telling my band about recently. I saw Little Jack Melody and his Young Turks, at least I think that's what he was calling his group that day.

    One of the songs he did was 99 luftballoons, but then he segued into Deutschland Uber Alles...and held up cue cards so the audience could sing German. We don't have many German speakers in North Texas. He was pointing at the syllable that fit the beat as he went along, sort of 'paper and flesh karaoke'. It was hilarious.

    I told the guys in my band how funny it was and said we ought to have Joanna sing something really obscure with a crowd participation part and have her do the cue card thing like Jack did.

    They just looked at me like I suddenly had three eyes and six noses.