Abandoned at the bar

[Lobster11]

That makes sense, but it was a crowded bar. This was midtown Manhattan on a Saturday night. Not the best place to be for a socially awkward, misanthropic weirdo like me, and he knows that. If it was emptier and I could sit there comfortably with a beer and watch the music it wouldn't been different.

In that case, maybe you should direct some of your annoyance at the scene rather than at your friend. From the way you've described yourself, it sounds like you wouldn't have had much fun in that place, on that night, even if things had gone as planned.

 

[Gorn]

In that case, maybe you should direct some of your annoyance at the scene rather than at your friend. From the way you've described yourself, it sounds like you wouldn't have had much fun in that place, on that night, even if things had gone as planned.

I'm annoyed at the borough of Manhattan in general, but if I'm there with someone I can manage.

 

[ShoeManiac]

I would keep it brief with your friend. Let him know that if he had intended for you to hang out at his gig that it would have been cool of him to let you know ahead of time. Then perhaps you could've made sure that you had someone to hang with while your friend was on stage.

As for feeling ditched? I get it to a degree. But the thing is, you're an adult. Nobody else should be responsible for whether or not you have a good time. If you want an enjoyable time out, you're the only one who can make sure that happens. Take some control/ownership of the situation. Maybe something cool happens, maybe not. Just don't depend on someone else to make that happen. And in Manhattan? I can always find something to do *SOMEWHERE*. That might mean leaving wherever it is that you wound up feeling ditched. Which could also serve as notice for whomever left you hanging that it wasn't cool to do that.

 

[Jim Nazium]

... it was a crowded bar. This was midtown Manhattan on a Saturday night. Not the best place to be for a socially awkward, misanthropic weirdo like me ...

Take it easy on yourself. Being an introvert is not a disease. Plenty of intelligent, successful people are introverts. We just have a different social style than extroverts.

 

[Killed_by_Death]

Reminds me of a guy I used to go drinking with. He would go upstairs for carnal activities & expect me to wait for him.
It's not easy to wait for a person in one bar, when you're on a street with 2 dozen other bars.

 

[Stewie26]

Friendship is a two way street. He was having unexpected spontaneous fun. I would not hold it against him. It could have been worse if he left you on the street or something.

 

[ChrisB2]

On another forum somewhere, there's probably a thread penned by some guy whose friend wouldn't get off the stage after having been asked to sit in on a few songs but ended up playing all night. It may even mention that the guy left his friend (who was visibly uncomfortable) alone at the bar.

I was imagining a post by OP's buddy, complaining that OP had his nose in his phone all night and missed a chance to score a couple of babes for them that were sending "pickmeup" vibes to the stage...

"Yeah I just kept playing and playing waiting for Gorn to make a move... never looked up from his phone... danggit"

 

[ac11367]

Hey Gorn, which part of Manhattan were you guys that night? Please don't tell me it was douchebag-city Murray Hill, lol, which would've added to your misery.

Which part of Queens you're from? Couldn't you have taken the subway halfway back to Queens and then take a green cab to complete your trip home?

 

[GregC]

Sorry, the opening lines of this song were all I could think of after reading the thread title.

 

[David Jayne]

Yeah that's a douche move. But it happens. Folks get 'caught up in the moment' and forget they're there with somebody. I would say he owes you an apology but I wouldn't hold my breath. Let it go.

 

[smeet]

Definitely Dooshie.

I had a similar thing happen. A bandleader who calls me for gigs said he was putting together a jam session for a party at an art studio, no money but fun, food, liquor, and a chance to play with some good people. I played about 5 tunes and BL asked if his friend could sit in on bass (my equipment). The guy seemed nice and responsible, and I said sure. They proceeded to play for the next 1.5 hours and I wasn't comfortable throwing the guy off the stage so I could play. They finally took a break, I played two songs, packed up my stuff and left, fuming. He called me a few months later and asked if I wanted to jam. Nope. From here on out, it's only paying gigs and nobody sits in, even for one song.

 

[Fiset]

Started out on the OP's side but now find myself leaning towards the friend. If the place had a good crowd I can easily understand how a "few" songs can turn into much more. If it was me, I'd be stoked for my buddy and probably envious as well. An unexpected good jam is hard to walk away from.

 

[Gorn]

Started out on the OP's side but now find myself leaning towards the friend. If the place had a good crowd I can easily understand how a "few" songs can turn into much more. If it was me, I'd be stoked for my buddy and probably envious as well. An unexpected good jam is hard to walk away from.

He's a gigging musician. He plays in front of mostly good crowds at least once a week. If it was a more rare opportunity I'd agree with you.

 

[Lobster11]

He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't wanna be there basically alone, which is part of what's annoying me. I don't think the question of a few songs or the whole night came up between him and the two other guys. It just happened. On the way home he just didn't understand the problem. Playing a few songs is somehow the same as playing for most of the night. I honestly don't care what the other guys thought of me. But I'm over it. It was three days ago. I was just curious if anyone else would've been as annoyed as I was.

This is the part I'm puzzled about, and evidently you are too: You say he knows you well enough to know that you are someone who would not enjoy yourself if he left you by yourself all night -- which makes me think that he was in the wrong and you that have every reason to be annoyed. But then you say that afterwards he "just didn't understand the problem," which makes me think that for whatever reason, he believed that you WOULD enjoy yourself if you stayed on stage. So either he doesn't know you as well as you thought he did (at least, in this particular aspect), or he thought there was something about this particular situation that was different than most. To me, it kind of boils down to what he was thinking at the time: If he genuinely believed that you would have a great time watching him spend the whole night on stage, then I can't blame him for doing so (or for not understanding why you were annoyed). He might have been incorrect in his assessment, but at least his heart was in the right place. On the other hand, it would obviously be douchie of him stay on stage all night if he knew that you wouldn't have a good time. Do you have any other insights about this based on your conversation in the car afterwards?

 

[pie_man_25]

I always felt weird about my best friend coming out to shows. This isn't to say that he isn't a cool guy, but he's not outgoing at all, so what tends to happen is that when we're on stage, or when I'm trying to talk to people at the show, he tends to just sit in a corner and say nothing to anybody - including my bandmates, with whom he is also friends. I don't get it much, and I've told him that if he's having a bad time he could just not go and I wouldn't think anything of it, but he keeps going.

 

[Gorn]

This is the part I'm puzzled about, and evidently you are too: You say he knows you well enough to know that you are someone who would not enjoy yourself if he left you by yourself all night -- which makes me think that he was in the wrong and you that have every reason to be annoyed. But then you say that afterwards he "just didn't understand the problem," which makes me think that for whatever reason, he believed that you WOULD enjoy yourself if you stayed on stage. So either he doesn't know you as well as you thought he did (at least, in this particular aspect), or he thought there was something about this particular situation that was different than most. To me, it kind of boils down to what he was thinking at the time: If he genuinely believed that you would have a great time watching him spend the whole night on stage, then I can't blame him for doing so (or for not understanding why you were annoyed). He might have been incorrect in his assessment, but at least his heart was in the right place. On the other hand, it would obviously be douchie of him stay on stage all night if he knew that you wouldn't have a good time. Do you have any other insights about this based on your conversation in the car afterwards?

Staying on stage and hanging out there wasn't an option. It wasn't so much a stage as it was a corner. A crowded Manhattan bar on a Saturday is more crowded than you realize. On the way home he kept saying "what, we were hanging out" and I said "no I was hanging out alone at a packed bar for two hours. And that was that. He said okay sorry but half heartedly. He was just being kind of obtuse about it. Like I said, I'm over it. It's not like it's a lingering grudge but it was really annoying at the time.

 

[RED J]

Hey, stuff happens. If he's a good friend in the main, oh well. Just don't get bit by the same dog twice.

 

[DredFetus]

That sucks, reminds me of a time
my buddy and I were driving around, he stopped at his dads "for a minute" came out like a hour later after having dinner, lucky for him i feel asleep right away and never got to anoyed.

Will make a funny storie to bug him later and remind him what a dick he can be.

 

[nashvillebill]

Decades ago...back in college...a buddy picks me up from the dorm, says he's going to out to a couple of clubs, did I want to go with him? Sure, why not, so I hop in his VW bug and we take off. Oh but first he's gotta stop at his folk's house a minute. Ok, no problem, I'll wait in the car. So he goes in--and minutes pass, then hours. I sit patiently in the car, waiting and waiting and waiting. Two hours later he finally comes back out. "Sorry man, they had supper on."

Uh, just drop me off back home, thanks buddy.


edit: dude, wild, we both had similar stories!! Amazing coincidence! Must've been the same thoughtless friend.

 

[Lobster11]

On the way home he kept saying "what, we were hanging out" and I said "no I was hanging out alone at a packed bar for two hours. And that was that.

So there's the answer, for whatever it's worth. In his mind you were still "hanging out," and he didn't realize that him staying on stage all night would bother you. The problem is just that he judged incorrectly, not that he was a douche and didn't care. Just a misunderstanding, I think.