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If You Could Be in Any Band...

I like your way of thinking.

Maybe Miranda Lambert's backing band? She mostly tours the redneck parts of the US, that would be a little easier than going around the world. Looks like I'll have to settle for just covering her songs, though...
 
Tool would be my first choice. Though I probably would not be a great fit (too funkah!) and I wouldn't want to detract from the genius that is Tool.

So I would go for Clutch. These guys have one of the best singers I've heard in a long time, great lyrics, are kinda unique, sound like they have a blast playing and rock like igneous pyroxenite.

That's really hard. I looked it up.
 
Gackt's backing band GacktJOB.

Love the music, dancing cats on stage, would love to see him ride a horse in an arena like he's done previously and concerts change from first half being part of a story connected to an album/theme of a couple of albums + movie Gackt wrote and starred in, moving to more energetic songs for the last half.

And the bassists there, from Ju-Ken to Chirolyn and others that have filled in, seem to be the craziest and have the most fun on stage and bring out the madness in others.
 
The Black Crowes

Great tunes and interesting lines but nothing that would require months of wood-shedding to pull off nutty slap happy 3 handed tapping on a 7 string.

Side benefit of being able to maybe do more Jimmy Page and the Black Crowes gigs so that way I could get my Zep fix.