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Is there an emoticon for despondent?

B

bassfacekevin

Dec 22, 2005
653
0
Ann Arbor, Michigan
#1
Saddle up guys and gals, here is another tale of heartwrenching love, loss and colorado.

The lady and myself have been going though a bit of a rough patch lately. We've had a few couple months where for some reason, we've just been getting on each other's nerves and generally just making each other irritated.

Well, as all people on this earth know, nothing is perfect, so I just assumed that this was a "low" to the countless "highs" we've had over the course of our 4 year relationship.

A while back, she told me that she wanted to have a "seperation" for a while, which I assumed was her needing to get some things in perspective and try to figure out what she wanted in her life etc. I told her fine, that's reasonable, that I loved her very much, and that I was there to support her with whatever she needed. We continued to talk every day on the phone about what we did that day and whatnot. Maintaining a "friendship" of sorts.

Well, after a bit of e-sleuthing, I came upon the fact that a "good friend" of her's was starting to become more than just friends. I confronted her about it, and she was very up front about it. She told me that when she said she wanted to take a break to "figure out what she wants in life" that meant that she "wanted to see other people, and see how another relationship works."

Naturally I, as the kids say, "flipped my sh--." and told her that I was not ok with that. I told her that I am fine with waiting for her to take time for herself, but to take time for herself and ____ was not ok.

We talked for a long time, and she told me that she loves me more than she can put into words (the cliches abound) and how she couldn't picture her life without me in it. So I told her that if she wants me in her life, the other guy has to go (duh.)

She told me that she thought this would be good for us, because "the reason we were having so many problems is because I was starting to feel trapped in the relationship, and I didn't know where it was going, and I I have been in this relationship for so long, I don't even know what I want from a relationship anymore."

I feel like she is just trying to string me along in case whatever happens with the guy dosen't work out, she still has me to fall back on. Unfortunately I'm not really in the mood to be a safety net. Am I justified in feeling this way? Should I be more understanding? Right now, I want more than anything to just tell her that I'll be there for her no matter what, but I know that that is a stupid train of thought, and I'm just trying to hold on to what we used to have.

It wouldn't be so hard if she didn't keep telling me that "we are meant to be together" and that I am "the one." Normally I would just assume this is another woman mind games thing, but I've known her for so long, and she's always been the sweetest, most kind, loving girl I've ever met. It's like she's a whole different person.

While any advice is appreciated (though I think I know in my heart what the right anwser is, I just don't like it) Mostly I would just like something to take my mind off all of this:

Are there any things you guys have found that really occupy your mind to keep from thinking about stuff like this? Any cool websites or books I should look into? I'm just trying to keep busy so I don't have time to think about all of this.

Thanks guys, I'm glad talkbass is here, it always keeps me entertained for a while! :)

~K

(ps, and if this isn't soap opera-ish enough, I found out that the "other guy" is the brother of a guy who I've known for 17 years.)
 
#2
Sorry to hear about your situation.

I can only say that, for future reference, when a person says that "we need a separation so I can "find myself" or "put things in perspective"", it is almost always a way of saying "I have someone else I want to sleep with and I need to find out whether my potential relationship with them is better than my actual relationship with you".

You don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Go off and enjoy life and if you drift back together in time, then things might be great. You don't want to force it now, she clearly isn't 100% committed to a relationship with you. FWIW.
 
#3
I'm sorry to know what you are going through, the only advice I could give you is just loose contact with her and get on with your new life, if that doesn't bring her back nothing would, do not let them make you loose sleep, show yourself stronger.
Lots of luck!!!
 
#4
Kevin, you are justified in not wanting to be a doormat, which is what you're in danger of becoming. I've been there, and it was the most painful time in my life. I can't make your life decisions for you (no one can), but I'd think long and hard about how you'd feel if she did come back after sleeping with this other guy.

PM me if you want, this isn't really public stuff...
 
#5
The original legend of zelda got me through the same experience quite some time ago. :)

Rough stuff - unfortunately I don't believe there are any answers to this kind of thing. Best I think anyone can do is hear the experience of others, take care of themselves, and let time play itself out.

My experience tells me that all the "I love you soooo much, I know you're the one for me" stuff is for the most part people's guilt and fear talking. I listen to and believe actions, not words.

I feel yer pain. Best of luck.
 
#6
YOU ARE BEING USED.


Forget it, bro. She does NOT see you as The One. She does NOT consider you the prize choice pick and thinks she can do better. In her mind, you will always be, "the one I settled for." Not, "the one I was meant to be with."

You are committed to her. She is not committed to you. That, is KEY. There is no way in heck your relationship will have the absolute trust and faith you'd probably expect.

So don't bother. Plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of BETTER fish in the sea. End it with her, amicably and peacefully, and move on. Spend a few months just being single. BUY A NEW BASS! Then, you can start looking again.

Sorry to play the evil antagonist of breaking up, but as many years as I've been forced into being a relationship counselor by all my fool friends, this is soooo damned common and I see it once a year. I can't convince you to believe me or to trust me, but experience says EVERYTHING here is going awry. Save yourself the scars and the baggage. Just find a way to come to peace with this inevitable outcome, and you will walk away a stronger and better person for it. It really is inevitable.


Then again, I'm just a bass player, what do I know.... ;)
 
#7
If my man did something like this to me, his things would be stacked up on the front porch, and the locks would be changed. Period.

I don't mean to be cold, but if she's already away from you, and she is with him, then the deal's kinda done. I would certainly feel it was over, were I in your situation.

Its sad. Sounds to me like you have been committed, and loving. She's a fool, if you ask me. She is gambling with love, and she's lost, and doesn't even know it yet. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Cherie :(
 
#9
I don't see a way that your relationship can be salvaged. She's clearly wants to see if there's something "better" out there for her. Don't be a consolation prize.

After all, if you take her back you are just justifying what she did. Which means she'll do it again and I doubt she'll be upfront about it the next time.

Move on.
 
#11
I know how this goes, it sucks... But were telling ya man it's time to move on... Whats to stop her from doing this again ?

And for me, personally... Once I lose trust in somebody, its gone.



The thing im going to add, that nobody has said... And this is how "I" felt... If/when she comes back (She might, if you leave her cold turkey she'll probably want back) don't take her back... idk about you, but id have those feelings of mistrust about the person the entire time... So if you do let her go, as you probably will, don't let her back.
 
#12
No matter how confused she might be, you have to take care of yourself and be true to YOU.

So if you're not willing to put up with others in the picture, and that position is absolutely not negotiable, then no matter what story she's telling, let her know that and walk. Period. Once you've made your bottom line clear, you have to be true to yourself.

Frankly, what comes through loud and clear in your post is that the relationship is over, but you're both emotionally attached and hanging on...in different ways.

It's time to be frank about what you can and can't put up with, move on, and after that final separation, get the healing started. Not a fun thing to do this time of year.
 
#16
Yeah, well, I told her that I was done talking with her, I basically told her to take a hike. Well, she called me today and tried to ask me about my day and all that. I told her that I am not willing to play surrogate boyfriend and that I am tired of being used. She went on on this whole thing about how she's trying to figure out what she wants in a relationship, so when we're back together, she'll know how to be good to me. I told her that was a crock.

I feel pretty good about this now, but I don't know how I'll do if she says she wants to get back together. I haven't even been actually cheated on, and I am furious with her. How can people who have been actually cheated on ever be able to trust the other person again?? Oh man, who said it was better to have loved and lost? Makes me want to join the priesthood.

Also, thanks guys. It makes me feel really bad and ugly to have something like this happening in my life, and I appreciate all you here with kind/helpful words.

~K
 
#17
bassfacekevin said:
Yeah, well, I told her that I was done talking with her, I basically told her to take a hike. Well, she called me today and tried to ask me about my day and all that. I told her that I am not willing to play surrogate boyfriend and that I am tired of being used. She went on on this whole thing about how she's trying to figure out what she wants in a relationship, so when we're back together, she'll know how to be good to me. I told her that was a crock.

I feel pretty good about this now, but I don't know how I'll do if she says she wants to get back together. I haven't even been actually cheated on, and I am furious with her. How can people who have been actually cheated on ever be able to trust the other person again?? Oh man, who said it was better to have loved and lost? Makes me want to join the priesthood.

Also, thanks guys. It makes me feel really bad and ugly to have something like this happening in my life, and I appreciate all you here with kind/helpful words.

~K
Click to expand...

Good for you.

I don't know anything more than what you've told us here, so take this with a grain of salt, but as far as getting back together, I wouldn't consider it. I have no doubt she'll want to at some point, whether its next week or six months from now.

But "I'm feeling trapped in this relationship" is code for, "I'm afraid I've settled and I can find someone better." It's a slap in the face. And if you think it hurts now, imagine how much it will hurt if you let her back in and she pulls this crap again.

Instead, why don't you go out and find someone better? Or at least hotter . . .
 
#19
bassfacekevin said:
How can people who have been actually cheated on ever be able to trust the other person again??
Click to expand...

To me, there were other of plenty dishonest things, that have been done to me, in relationships. Maybe it's not so much of someone being unfaithful, but about one, being dishonest, or omitting something:

My previous relationship of six months, was very painful for me. It turns out, that the person I was with, had serious intimacy issues. Sure, she had no problem opening up to friends, but with me, her significant-other, she hardly said anything of substance, and hid her problems from me, and never opened up.

Trust, honesty, faith, they are all hard things bro. But you can always count on your bass buddies at TB to help you through the tough times.
 

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