Spousal permission

[JohnnyPustular]

Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Try the veal.

 

[Phil Smith]

Real bassist "tell" their wives they have a gig and the real wives are happy for them.

 

[calebbarton]

Am I correct in saying that you have never been married?

there is obviously a slight lack of understanding here. SOMETHING tells me that he may not be married.

 

[Phil Smith]

there is obviously a slight lack of understanding here. SOMETHING tells me that he may not be married.

Does this mean that all married people act alike or that you just think that they do?

 

[BZadlo]

If music is your job, asking the wife seems unnecessary. Work comes first.
If it's a hobby, asking the wife seems like the right thing to do. It's a matter of respect.

I'm not married but, this seem pretty reasonable.

 

[Billnc]

If music is your job, asking the wife seems unnecessary. Work comes first.
If it's a hobby, asking the wife seems like the right thing to do. It's a matter of respect.

We've got an agreement, if you don't tell the band in advance a day you can't work, the bandleader takes the gig. Our bandleader just calls us with the dates. Things are professional and we do work things out, all wives seem to understand. As we all do other gigs we keep him informed immediately after we are not available, or want family time or go on a trip etc. If we say we're going out to dinner with our spouses that is not breeched.

 

[QORC]

my wife is totally supportive of my hobby, trusts me to put limits where limits are appropriate, and no, I don't have to ask her "permission" to accept a gig.

She's my wife, not my Mommy

 

[dukaruk]

The thing that has worked well for us is to get a list of dates that absolutely do work for everyone. 2-3 months out into the future. That way the person booking can know immediately what can't be done. Guys ask their wives ahead of time.

 

[jsovia]

Calling your wife to 'find out' about some scheduling information is way different that calling to ask permission. If you have to ask permission.. that is always a problem. There are far more time consuming and resource consuming hobbies than being in a band, if it's not your job. Unfortunately, all too often, many guys these days are of the sackless variety and have to call home to ask mommy if it's ok...

 

[Grooveman1961]

For two weeks of the month, I have a reasonable situation with lots of encouragement to pursue my music passion. The Week after that, it's iffy, and the week after that, I might as well gig, bucause I won't be able to do anything right, regardless.

 

[Slough Feg Bass]

I call my gf all the time when I get offered a gig because she knows where I will be 6 weeks from now more than I do.

I have no idea where I will be and what I will be doing on whatever day of the month, but she keeps a calendar of both our schedules with everything clearly marked, so I call her and ask her if I am free that day, she gives me the thumbs up or tells me what else is on the calendar.

Just got to be organized if you are into accepting last minute gigs.

 

[bassbully]

Trust me a quick check with the wife is no hassle and she thanks me for at least letting her know whats up and including her in my life and our plans. Another DIVORCE is not worth it...NEVER! NO gig is worth that.

 

[TBrett]

With both myself and my husband gigging musicians (him more casual than myself) he still asks and gets the same answer "tell them yes, put it on the calendar and if we need to find a sitter for that night because we both end up with gigs at the same times we'll call your parents or my sister". It's a courtesy and even after years of going through the same conversation it's his way of telling me he's got a gig, he just hasn't changed the way he words it and i'm no longer garaunteed to be home like I used to.

Some guys have agreements/deals with those they live with and love that you, no matter how hard you try will never live up to nor match. So, until you fold his socks, wash his dirtie things and do all those other little special things we gals do for our one and only musician bandmates of yours, don't give them an ounce of grief for having to ask us "permission" to accept a gig.

Especially if the answer is "yes" every time.

lol! Good to hear some perspective from the other side! +1 for the folding of socks, etc.!

Interesting thread. My bf is a gigging musician (we're forming a band together, but right now, he's the working pro). His 11-year-old daughter lives with us full-time. While I certainly don't feel that he has to have my "permission" to play a gig, I also feel it wouldn't be fair to treat me like a built-in babysitter and assume I'm going to be home on a given evening without checking first. I mean, I love our family, but c'mon, I have a life, too. Sure, sometimes things come up last minute and you have to scramble to make arrangements. No worries if the situation between the two of you is based on mutual respect (which ours is, thankfully). But if it was always the case that you were never told when your partner was going to be out - especially when there are childcare issues involved - I think anyone would feel taken for granted after a while.

As a teenager, jamming with the guys as I often did, I used to hate it when their girlfriends would show up and drag them away only because the girls wanted all their guy's attention for themselves. It was clear that these girls saw music as competition, a distraction from themselves. There was no appreciation for the music, and no appreciation that their boyfriend was enjoying himself. That really grossed me out. And talk about whipped, several of the guys would meekly pack up their axes and gear as soon as the girl announced that she wanted to leave. I've also met my share of band wives over the years, who were clearly first attracted to their mates because they were musicians, but who later became resentful that said mate didn't give up playing music once the relationship was established. Gimme a break!

Another poster in this thread mentioned that it's inconsiderate to book a gig without checking with the other band members first. A no-brainer, IMHO. Whipped or not, people have commitments, be they personal, day job-related, or gigs with other bands (most of the musicians I know play in multiple bands). So while I agree that it's annoying as heck when someone you know is subservient to a demanding, insensitive spouse at the expense of bandmates and others, we can't always assume that this is the case when someone wants to make sure they're not ducking out on a previous commitment when accepting a last minute gig.

 

[TBrett]

I've seen wives and girlfriends ruin bands by not supporting the guys in the band.

You know, you HAVE to get SOME 'permission' from your spouse or SIGNIFICANT OTHER because being in a band is a huge time (and $) commitment! Of course, my wife has to agree to this! If I was playing out every friday and saturday, she would quickly NOT agree to it.

However, she's been very supportive. She knows it has real meaning to me. Thank God. But she has her limits. As she should.

I've seen girlfriends and wives, however, put so much pressure on band members, that they have left bands. That's sad, especially if the guys are musicians when the two of them met!

Very true, also. Been there myself. My late husband did his best to shoot down most of my artistic outlets because of his own needs/insecurities. He didn't want me acting (I was a well established actress when we got involved), didn't want me doing music (kept telling me I have no musical ear and I should give it up). So it ain't just the chicks who can be controlling! Bottom line, a partner who doesn't support their partner's interests and passions ain't no partner at all!

 

[phat-bass-tard]

amen T-BRETT... been married for 14 years and a musician for 20. Idont ask if a last minute gig comes our way we play it. any where any time thats the rule. the next practice you should buy them all some of those truck nuts that some peeps hang on the back of their truck and give them to your players. and say slip these into your wifes purse and get yours back.

 

[BWB]

+1. And this works for couples as well. In this case the calendar doesn't have to be fancy; grab a $5 calendar from a book store or Wally World and clip it to the fridge (or somewhere central but not obtrusive, like the computer desk). Write down birthdays, anniversaries, holiday plans, etc first so you'll never have a conflict with an important event (you DO remember your anniversary, right?), then write down other things like planned nights out, practices, gigs, etc etc. That way the little missus doesn't even have to be home; you know what you're doing on the 28th of whenever (if you don't, all you have to say is that you need to check the calendar instead of check with the wife), and if it's nothing, you jot down the gig. This may seem like it creates a structured, planned existence, but there's still room for spontaneity; when you don't have anything to do that night, you get to make it up as you go along.

Who writes this down?

Google Calendar.

 

[JackANSI]

I am married as is everyone in my band. I (as well as my band members) don't stand for crap like that. If we have a gig, I tell my wife I have a gig, and they do too.
Men need to learn how to keep their pellotas in place, and be in charge of their own lives. (yes I've been married for 13yrs)

If you're a gigging musician these sorts of subjects should already be laid out in your lives with your significant others.
If they're not, you probably shouldn't be in a band situation.

Topics like this irk me about some men, and I don't get it.
Respecting a woman and p****whipping yourself to a woman are two different things.

-Mike

 

[simonsaysred]

My wife has the palm pilot, aka "The Master Plan." Seeing as though I'm too lazy/disorganized to have one for myself, I just make sure all of my stuff gets entered. I haven't had a schedule conflict since I got married!

And when problems come up, she's cool. She knows how much I love to play, and she makes sure I play as much as I can. Wouldn't have married her otherwise.

 

[steveksux]

Just like everything in a marriage, its give and take. You work out an acceptable compromise so everyone is happy.

With me, as long as its only averaging 2-3 gigs a month, she has no problem. She doesn't like sitting home on too many weekends, and doesn't follow the band around. Comes out once in a while with friends.

Just got to figure out which is more important, a bar gig, or your wife. The band's feelings, or your wife's.

If she's being unreasonable, its up to you to talk her out of that. Same if you're being unreasonable. Need to find a happy medium that's acceptable to all parties. Band included. I won't join a band who's goal is playing every weekend. I used to do that when I was single, and actually like having weekends off. Just not too many in a row...

Just find a wife and a band that are compatible with what you're willing to deal with.

Randy

 

[Korladis]

In a lot marriages, one person is more the keeper of the calender than the other. And in a lot of those marriages, the one keeping the calender.

A guy might just be asking his wife if they have anything planned on the date of the gig. He'd feel pretty stupid if he agreed and only afterwards learned that he had forgotten a prior commitment and an important one, at that.

For people who are parents, this is even more true.