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The Dalai Lama Slapped me upside the head

chokeslam512

chokeslam512

Nov 2, 2008
1,459
18
Kansas City, MO
#1
...for be too much of a pacifist.

So we had a gig on Saturday night, it went really well after we got the kinks worked out. We played a song at the end of our third set (Forget You) and all of us save for the lead guitarist knew it really well. It wasn't on the set list until right before we played it and our singer told us we were playing it... so I started it off and it went well...

Fast forward, we are now packing up and I guess our lead player said that if we ever do that again (play a song that he doesn't know) then he is walking and not coming back. So now our singer is saying it's LG or him.

My problem is that they are both REALLY good at what they do and both have become good friends of mine through the course of this band. My response was along the line that I would rather see the entire band dissolve than to move forward without either of them, which is quite the pusillanimous move but that's what I said and there's no taking it back now. Man I hate drama, I guess this is what I get for mixing business with pleasure.
 
#2
Usually when this type of situations come up, where other band members try tu put you against the wall: "It's me or him". I just tell them, "Ok, good luck figuring it out"

What I mean by that is that they should decide who is leaving, if only the two of them have a beef why should all the band be involved? That's just childish and inmature. I realize they are your friends, and that sucks, but it's their fight, not yours.
 
#3
Pinta said:
Usually when this type of situations come up, where other band members try tu put you against the wall: "It's me or him". I just tell them, "Ok, good luck figuring it out"

What I mean by that is that they should decide who is leaving, if only the two of them have a beef why should all the band be involved? That's just childish and inmature. I realize they are your friends, and that sucks, but it's their fight, not yours.
Click to expand...

I like this philosophy. Thank you. I'm sticking with that stance.
 
#5
Both your guitarist and your singer are over-reacting. It's understandable why your guitarist would resent being put on the spot like that. But to threaten to quit over it? That's not quite a proportional response.

Your singer? Even more so. He's giving an ultimatum...simply because the guitarist did? Viewed entirely on the surface, none of this makes any sense. Rational, reasonable adults simply don't behave this way.

The only way any of this makes any sense is according to the "iceberg theory", i.e. namely that this little dispute is only the tiny, visible portion of a much more deeply-embedded enmity that lies below the surface, out of sight.

Both of these guys are behaving like drama queens (drama kings?), but especially the singer. Fundamentally, Pinta is correct: it's a dispute between the two of them. Unfortunately it has an impact on everybody.

Good luck herding these cats... :rolleyes:

MM
 
#6
I have been in the exact same situation ( it's me or him ). This was in a band with my two closest friends so I did everything in my power to act as middle man and keep things together. I managed to keep things going for about 6 months. This caused me much aggravation and stress. In the end, I didn't have the stones to pick a side and since I had been so stressed over the whole thing, I ended up quitting and killing the band altogether. As a result, I ended up catching the blame for the whole fiasco and became distant from my friends for years. NOT the desired result.

Looking back (hindsight is 20/20) the thing to do would have been to let the two other guys battle it out for themselves and stay the heck out of it.

I was looking out for what I thought was everyone's best interests and ended up the bad guy. You live, learn and post about it on Talkbass I guess......
 
#7
In this particular situation I sympathize with the LG. The LG is understandably PO'd at being thrown under the bus and the singer was out of line to add the song to the show last minute, on a whim.

That all being said... YOUR appropriate role in this fiasco, as others have noted, is to stay out of it and let those two sort it out. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later but if this incident is indicative of deeper issues in the band you might want to start plotting an exit strategy in the event it gets bad enough that the band implodes or you have to bail to keep your sanity.

These situations aren't fun. I dealt with a lead singer and a lead guitarist who routinely clashed for 3+ years before I bailed on that project. In retrospect I should have walked much sooner. Good luck.
 
#9
MysticMichael said:
Both your guitarist and your singer are over-reacting. It's understandable why your guitarist would resent being put on the spot like that. But to threaten to quit over it? That's not quite a proportional response.

Your singer? Even more so. He's giving an ultimatum...simply because the guitarist did? Viewed entirely on the surface, none of this makes any sense. Rational, reasonable adults simply don't behave this way.

The only way any of this makes any sense is according to the "iceberg theory", i.e. namely that this little dispute is only the tiny, visible portion of a much more deeply-embedded enmity that lies below the surface, out of sight.

Both of these guys are behaving like drama queens (drama kings?), but especially the singer. Fundamentally, Pinta is correct: it's a dispute between the two of them. Unfortunately it has an impact on everybody.

Good luck herding these cats... :rolleyes:

MM
Click to expand...

+1

Most I’d do is suggest that a new song gets cleared with everyone before hitting it on stage.

Not that it would help if there’s more to the story, but that’s what I see as a reasonable solution.
 
#11
lavmonga said:
They both sound like d!icks if they're giving "him or me" ultimatums. I'd be pissed if I were the LG, throwing a song on night of without rehearsal probably made him feel like he looked inadequate as a player up there.
Click to expand...

An ego is a helluva drug.

I kinda side with the guitar player, and he was foolish to make that statement, but he was probably highly pissed, so it shouldn’t have been taken so seriously by anyone until things calmed down.


If someone wins a "him or me" argument, they're likely going to have another one down the road.
Click to expand...

trut
 
#12
Why not just play avante-garde jazz? That way, NOBODY will know how the song is supposed to be played and nobody can point fingers at anyone. Or, give the LG and singer a bowl of milk and let them duke it out. :hmm:

Whose idea was the new song? If it was the singer's idea and the rest went along with it, knowing that the LG didn't know it very well, I think he has a point. I wouldn't know how to justify playing a song that isn't well-known by the whole band. That doesn't sound like a good idea for a band that wants to present itself as "professional". If it was an open jam, I could understand this but on a gig, no.
 

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