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Oh consider buying a used hearse - I had a friend in HS (late 1990s) who scored a 1970 Cadillac hearse for $500 with 20,000 miles. The seat belts were still in the original plastic wrapping, and the car had never gone faster than 25 mph. It was just as big as a van on the inside, and much more stylish.
Dude this is a harsh situation. my band is lucky to have two mechanics on board. We drive old Dodge vans from the 80's, look like hell, run well. The last one was given to us free because it's a bit rusty and rough looking. That can be a benefit on tour, stick a BEWARE OF DOG sign in the window and some kind of gun-related stickers.....
But anyway, here's an idea, offer to play a party in exchange for a working van or car that can pull a trailer. Put out the word to your hometown. Drive around and look for unused vans in people's side driveways. Tell them your story. Sometimes the innards are great, but the outside is bad. Do you have anything to trade?
This is a bummer situation, but there are many options. Don't forget to simply get together and ASK the Universe for what you need. You got a good start here.
Do you know anyone with an appropriate rig who would be willing to be the band's driver/gofer for this expedition? Lots of people want to be "with the band" but can't play instruments or whatever. Offer them a spot on your tour if they drive. This worked out well for one band i was in, guy had an old bread truck and loved to drive us to gigs and guard gear and generally be helpful, cuz he was officially "with the band" and got chicks and free beer.