I had to post this convo that was sent to me from a friend. It's a bassist and guitarist having a discussion about having to play a gig with a horrible vocalist. I can vouch that the guy is terrible. Awful pitch, worse timing, and no stage presence. Truly best of American Idol worthy.
G- God man....xxxx is practicing singing. All the stuff from that list. We're screwed. Lol. And guess which ones he's been working on the most?
B- Omg.
B- Where is Simon Cowell when we need him?
G- Phrase of the day: 'What Smells Like Teen Spirit?"...Seriously.
G- He Sings everything an octave down! Even if it's in his range originally!
B- Crap. Even if he hits pitch, I really don't think he'll get the timing without cues.
G- Right. He thinks he's jawesome, too, btw.
B- This sounds like one of those nightmare CL auditions, except he's already in the band.
B- I'm struggling to find something positive in this.
G- Dude, he's singing Living on a Prayer. Octave down, of course. With no emotion at all. Just stop by and bring me a shotgun.
B- Do you think xxxx would be offended if I wore a paper bag on my head? We could be an unknown comic tribute.
B- I want to say LOL about xxxx singing bon jovi, but I doubt it's funny.
B- We should probably tune down to H flat.
G- I'm sure someone will tell him once we do this thing....
B- I'm guessing the other guys never heard him sing before.
G- Aaaaarrrrrgggghhh!!! F*ck!!!! Bring me alcohol!! Lots of it!!! He's doing Comfortably Numb. Octave down again.
B- O M G
G- I'm thinking they wanted you and I, and he muscled his way in. Like he did with me dealio with xxxxx and the xxxx channel gig I was working on.
B- I wouldn't mind him weaseling in if he didn't suck. I am really dreading xxxx singing at this party.
G- How can you not realize you are singing it an octave low?
B- The same way he thinks a garage recording sounds like a studio recording.
B- I am praying that the other guys have the balls to tell him he sucks.
B- I appreciate xxxx making it rain, but do we have to watch him do the naked rain dance?
G- He's doing War Pigs.. Somehow has a Faith No More version. How the F is he gonna sing like Patton?!?
B- You should video xxxx practicing vocals and put it on Youtube.
B- Actually, I'm afraid that xxx on vocals at the party will wind up on Youtube.
G- Prolly will. And I'm sure the music will be fine, so the title will be 'worst singer ever'
G- God no. LOL. He's doing Pride by U2. Two octaves down....Lol
B- That's not funny actually.
G- And he thinks he can pull it off.
B- At least you can move back to xxxx. Me, I'll be stuck here playing with a bag over my head.
G- Dude. It's bad. BAD. I want to record it. But he'll flip. Lol
B- If he thinks it's good, why no record it?
G- [Sends a video from his phone]
B- Good lord. Sounds like someone singing through a broken octave pedal.
G- Yeah, he's brutal.
B- Ya know, I wouldn't mind xxxx getting a finders fee or commission. But, why must we suffer through this?
G- His meter is atrocious and only knows one beat.
B- Well, I've learned to handle embarrasment better. Even though I was pretty good at it before.
G- [Sends a video of drummer singing 'Crazy B*tch']
B- O M G. W T F. Facepalm city.
B- This can't be! God is either testing me or is totally laughing at me.
G- BONUS! He finished and said "that one is perfect". Seriously.....
B- No f*ckin way
G- I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and yell "YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNKED!"
B- I want you to know how hard it is for me to not post that on the web.
G- Now the wav file on the computer is f*cking him up for 'Iron Man'.....Seriously...
B- He's blaming the wav file?
G- Yep. "It's doing something wierd" lol. This is f*cking ridiculous.
B- Tony Iommi is f*cking him up.
G- I'm guessing it's f*cking Geezer doing it to him...
B- Woot! I'm as bad as Geezer
G- [Sends failboat picture as flyer for the show]
B- Taking a ride on the failboat!
G- All aboard the fail train!
B- I hope the party hosts are gracious. If I shelled out coin and got xxx, I'd be pissed.
G- I've been working on the failroad, all the live long day....
B- This all has to be a conspiracy from DJs.
B- I has a bucket, I has singing ability.
G- Doing Black Hole Sun!!! Wooooooooo!!!! Hahahahaha
B- At least part of it is in his 'range'
B- He should do a cover of leonard nimoys tiptoe through the tulips, or the Capt Kirk sings album.
G- "No one sings like you anymore" - Chris Cornell
B- There's a part of me that dreads this gig, but my morbid humor forces me to watch and take part.
G- It's like driving by a car accident.....
B- Maybe we can gently tell xxx to limit his vocals since he hasn't sung all niters. He should 'save his voice' and limit himself to a few songs.
G- He'll just sing them lower.
G- I'm about to get on my bicycle and just ride somewhere. This is f*cking painful.
G- I'm seriously about *this close* to bailing on this whole idea. This is terrible. Really. You have NO idea...Maybe those guys will tell him the truth.
G- HALP!!!! This is what it sounds like when baby seals get clubbed to death.
B- Just listened to it on car speakers.
G- Fail on, you crazy diamond.....
B- The song choices. The tragedy. The evil
G- CAN YOU FEEL, THE FAIL, TONIGHT!
G- OMFG....Tesla. Signs. Good F*ckin lord, take me from this mortal coil.
B- It just won't end. You need to start a blog on this.
G- See that shark? Jump it....
G- Dude. We're about to be crushed beneath a failvalance. This is gonna be epic. Love song by Tesla. Once he starts singing, I'm recording and sending to you. This promises to be the Mt. Rushmore of Fail.....
B- I'm sure my morbid imagination doesn't match the reality.
G- He's yelling at the computer because they aren't playing the intro right?!?!? Lol. He's f*ckin awful.
B- Really, the original is incorrect? Sad.
G- [Sends 'Love Song' video]
G- He's working on Voodoo Chile now...Wow
B- That video made my son cry.
G- That video made Chuck Norris cry....
B- And made Ditka hide under a blanket.
B- That should be a part of Hellhouse. Sinners will repent.
G- Maybe the Talkbass crew can help with the situation. Lol. I don't know what to do. He thinks he's right on the money.
B- This should be a blog from practice to gig.
B- You should sell that video to DOD.
G- I can't take it. This is torturous....It's like he's deaf.....
B- Thanks dude. My son hasn't stopped crying since that video.
B- If you email it, it will be detected as a virus.
G- Hahaha! Malware!!!
B- It's like if Satan wanted to Rick Roll you. What's he singing now?
G- Every Rose Has It's Thorn.
B- My lord. I thought he hated that song. I guess you do now.
G- he does. And you can tell he hates it by the way he is murdering it right now.
G- God d*mnit...He's committing crimes against humanity here......
G- How the hell do you even sing Black Magic Woman an octave low? It's already as low as f*ck! Ugh. Kill me now...
G- It totally reminds me of driving in the car when I was little, and my dad singing along to the radio. Cuz dad just sang and didn't try at all.
B- He may sing better.
G- I probably won't make it until the show. I'll probably drink myself to death first.
B- I feel bad for you. I just dread based on limited evidence. You get first hand prophecies of fail.
B- I am morally wrestling with aiding and abetting a sonic crime. Those party goers are innocent.
G- I'm really close to bailing on it. Dude, it's that bad. Seriously.
B- Maybe it's the thing to do. If those videos are sample representatives of the whole, then we are headed towards suckage.
G- On the other hand, we can just go and try to own it, and let him fail. Or hope the other guys are like "***, dude, you said you can sing!..."
B- That's my hope
G- He's doing Cult Of Personality... God d*mn it. I need a car just to get out of here.....
B- D*mn
G- We'll have to go in and just own. Let him look like a fool. There aint no f*ckin way they called him to sing thinking he's good at it.
G- And when (if) someone finally says something, he's gonna have a hissy fit. Just watch.
B- I can already hear the excuses.
B- I am fighting the urge to post the contents of this text chat................
