• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

After desperate attempts to avoid it. my man Card has been permantantly revoked today

dryheatbob

dryheatbob

Mar 6, 2003
850
78
Peoria, AZ, baby!
#1
...I tried to avoid it. Honest, I did.

After weeks of trying to finesse a way out of it, including begging screaming, crying and various forms of bribery and blackmail, I'm going to miss the Superbowl today. Instead I'm going to the... the... I can hardly bring myself to type it...

ice capades

And not the scantily clad, legs in the air twirlybird stuff either. Nope. Disney on Ice.

My friends, the ones that will speak to me, have taken to calling me Nancy.

I'm soo ashamed. I've had temporary suspensions of my Man Card in the past- various offenses include attending baby showers, crying at movies, offering to go clothes shopping with my wife and the like.

But I've always made up for it. Bar fights, owning Harleys, buying unnecessary power tools.

Apparently the combination of offenses today was too much.

So think of me today as you swill your lite beer, double dip your chips, cuss and scream, loudly and often.

I'll be watching men in large animal costumes acting out childrens stories. While leaping through the air. To syrupy music. And I'll probably cry.

Bob

Next weekend, I'm building a brick BBQ pit. A GAS BBQ pit. And I'm not going to follow any @#%$ instructions, either.
 
#3
Hey, take it easy Bob. I'm not seeing the Superbowl either.

Of course, my Man Card has far too many points on it anyway, so it's not like missing this superbowl will be any different.

Fer crissakes, my mom watches more sports than I do.

...and I read the manuals and have *gasp!* asked for directions on more than one occasion. This of course, should be seen in the light that my ability to get lost borders on superhuman. Ask Gard, it's scary.
 
#5
Brendan said:
...and asked for directions on more than one occasion. This of course, should be seen in the light that my ability to get lost borders on superhuman. Ask Gard, it's scary.
Click to expand...

I, on many occasions, have missed the offramp home and driven passed the entrance to my neighborhood. I recall doing both on the same trip at least two seperate times. Totally sober.

I don't ask for directions, so these infractions have always been suspended. :smug:

Bob
 
#7
dryheatbob said:
I, on many occasions, have missed the offramp home and driven passed the entrance to my neighborhood. I recall doing both on the same trip at least two seperate times. Totally sober.

I don't ask for directions, so these infractions have always been suspended. :smug:

Bob
Click to expand...

My getting lost is the stuff legends are made of. My league of lost is the kind of league most other people's leagues only hear of in legends. I don't get just lost, I get mythologically lost.

I know that makes it sound like I'm proud of it, but I'm reallyn not. I just make fun of myself in an effort to maintain my sanity about the thing.

My infractions rap sheet is a mile long. Two, maybe. I think the only reason I still have my Man Card is that the Man Association of America takes pity on me, and thinks it too funny to bother revoking...

I do however, enjoy drinking, porn, BBQ, pizza, and have a rather prodigeous beard, so I still have some Man Dignity left.
 
#13
dryheatbob said:
Seems like a mindless, testosterone pumping thing to do. Emphasis on mindless.

Bob
Click to expand...

And what could be more manley?

Shotgun BBQ.

Bear with me here. Military grade flamethrows spew a column of flame about 30 feet, right? So if you were to throw a chicken in the air (seasoned as desired) about 32ish feet out and pulled the trigger, you could BBQ the sucker in the air, much as one throws a clay pidgeon for shotgun practice. Now, the trick would be to catch it when you're done.

"Crap. It's not completely done. Better go another round.... PULL!"

C'mon, this is sheer brilliance in action, people!
 
#14
Brendan said:
And what could be more manley?

Shotgun BBQ.

Bear with me here. Military grade flamethrows spew a column of flame about 30 feet, right? So if you were to throw a chicken in the air (seasoned as desired) about 32ish feet out and pulled the trigger, you could BBQ the sucker in the air, much as one throws a clay pidgeon for shotgun practice. Now, the trick would be to catch it when you're done.

"Crap. It's not completely done. Better go another round.... PULL!"

C'mon, this is sheer brilliance in action, people!
Click to expand...

Actually, if you aimed it so that it would land and travel down a slip'n'slide that is doused in BBQ sauce, the problem of catching it would be moot.
 
#15
SuperDuck said:
Actually, if you aimed it so that it would land and travel down a slip'n'slide that is doused in BBQ sauce, the problem of catching it would be moot.
Click to expand...

Yeah, but then you'd just baste it after it was cooking, not while it was cooking, so you're losing some of that cooked in BBQ flavor. However, if you're fine with second rate Shotgun BBQ, the Slip'n'Slide would be okay.
 
#16
Second rate? Let's remember here that you're describing flash-cooking and entire chicken- you'll end up with a charred exterior and a raw interior. Emeril's fine cuisine this ain't. At least the Slip'n'Slide adds some elegance to the equation.
 
#17
SuperDuck said:
Second rate? Let's remember here that you're describing flash-cooking and entire chicken- you'll end up with a charred exterior and a raw interior. Emeril's fine cuisine this ain't. At least the Slip'n'Slide adds some elegance to the equation.
Click to expand...

Not if done properly. I'm talking about more than one pull here, SD. Sorta like a really, really extreme rotisery cooking. Disco chicken, if you will. It'd be cooked through evenly over a course of a few minutes worth of air time. Maybe less.

Besides, a Slip'n'Slide? How's about upping the ante and making it target practice for both? BBQ target on the ground (on a plastic sheet or something. Not directly on grount/cement, whatever). Then the guy who pulls also has to aim.

Instead of points, you could turn it into a drinking game. Because, y'know, drunk guys, flame throwers, and BBQ are peas in a pod anyway, might as well make the great flavors come together, eh?

edit- for utter manliness, throw some cleavage/strippers/general eye-candy in there somewhere. Maybe do the Shotgunning at a strip joint, hooters, or on a beach in LA?
 
#18
Brendan said:
edit- for utter manliness, throw some cleavage/strippers/general eye-candy in there somewhere. Maybe do the Shotgunning at a strip joint, hooters, or on a beach in LA?
Click to expand...

Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

1040.jpg
 
#20
I'm so ashamed - the club will miss you.


On a side note, my Dad - a dyed-in-the-wool Patriots fan - was forced to go (shudder) square dancing the last time the Pats won the big show. And was forced to go to a quilt show instead of watching this year's AFC game. (arguably the superbowl this year)


We miss him, too.
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back