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Am I a sick bastard?
- Thread starter Mike Money
- Start date
Sometimes Mike you just have to take the bull by the horns and go with the flow
Good luck man. My grandfather died of cancer when I was 15 and seeing him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But, I almost didn't get to see him. I'm glad I did. No matter what happens, she'll know that you're there and that you love her.
Good luck man. My grandfather died of cancer when I was 15 and seeing him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But, I almost didn't get to see him. I'm glad I did. No matter what happens, she'll know that you're there and that you love her.
and i thought i was the only one who felt this way......i am dealing with a practically identical situation right now....my grandpa has alzheimers, and is in a home near me....my mom and dad always ask me to go see him....when i do he yells at me and wants to know who the hell is in his room.....after a few minutes, he realizes who i am, and we talk.......i HATE to go, i normally REFUSE to go, but i do it for my parents.....it means alot to them that i go see grandpa, so i do.....i HATE seeing him in this state, he was so different just a couple years ago.....i get sad when i think about it as i drive to the home......i get mad as i walk in the front door, i get madder when i sign in and walk down the hall to his "room".....i get pissed when he tells me to get the hell away from him.....but, when i call my parents and let them know i stopped by to see grandpa, my parents thank me, and that makes it worth it.
i just dealt with it three years ago with my grandma...she never did figure out who i was before she died, but the whole family appreciated my courage.....
here is what i can tell you Mike Money.....i do not remember my grandma as that disabled, wasted away older person in the bed......i still remember her as the grandma that made me cookies, and took me to the fair every year.....seeing your grandma in her sick state today is not going to ruin the memories you have of her not being as sick in the past.....
-Mike
i just dealt with it three years ago with my grandma...she never did figure out who i was before she died, but the whole family appreciated my courage.....
here is what i can tell you Mike Money.....i do not remember my grandma as that disabled, wasted away older person in the bed......i still remember her as the grandma that made me cookies, and took me to the fair every year.....seeing your grandma in her sick state today is not going to ruin the memories you have of her not being as sick in the past.....
-Mike
I agree. My grandfather was the most active guy and he looked young for his age. He had a stroke towards the end, and it was at that time that he looked like the old, frail grandfather that alot of us imagine. But like Mike, I don't remember him that way either. The images of me being by his side as he lay in a coma before he died are still in my mind, but the happy times are alot sharper.
Yeah, my grandfather died about 2 years ago - he didn't have cancer or dementia or anything, just old-age i guess. Anyway, I'm in Australia and He lived in England, so I never saw him that much anyway - but we'd talk on the phone, and I've been over there twice, and he had been over here at least 3 times in my life.
Anyway, the last time he was over here (with 10 of my other English relatives for my father's 50th) he became really sick and had to stay in hospital over here while all the others flew back. I was back at school then (the year 2000), and the hospital was not a long walk from there, so in my free periods I would go visit him(anything to get out of studying, right?). He was of sound mind, and was happy and joking as always, but he just looked like a tired, sick old man. But I am glad that I did.
I have some fond memories of those days sitting next to a hospital bed when I should have been doing schoolwork. Fun times with a sick old man. But those are not the main memories that stick out in my mind. The strongest is from his previous visit here, in about '95 or '96, when we were at a beach. I was only about 12 or 13, he would have been approaching 70, and we were both just floating on the waves, hanging from this body board, laughing, having a good time. Before we knew it, we had been swept out pretty far from the shore by a rip or something, and although we could do absolutely nothing about it, we just kept laughing and laughing. The situation was so hopeless that that was all we could do. The more we tried to swim for shore, the farther out we would end up. Maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious.
So whenever I think of him, that is the first thought that springs to my mind, and brings a smile to my face. So what I am trying to say is that you do remember the good rather than the bad. I think Good Will Hunting has a speech on this by Robin Williams' character (talking about his wife dying from cancer).
BTW, my grandfather and I made it back to shore safe and sound (apart from being slightly short of breath). No life guards were patrolling this particular beach, so my father had to swim and drag us back in. He is (or at least was) a strong swimmer. Or just plain strong (he is a fireman)...and he could beat your dad.
Anyway, the last time he was over here (with 10 of my other English relatives for my father's 50th) he became really sick and had to stay in hospital over here while all the others flew back. I was back at school then (the year 2000), and the hospital was not a long walk from there, so in my free periods I would go visit him(anything to get out of studying, right?). He was of sound mind, and was happy and joking as always, but he just looked like a tired, sick old man. But I am glad that I did.
I have some fond memories of those days sitting next to a hospital bed when I should have been doing schoolwork. Fun times with a sick old man. But those are not the main memories that stick out in my mind. The strongest is from his previous visit here, in about '95 or '96, when we were at a beach. I was only about 12 or 13, he would have been approaching 70, and we were both just floating on the waves, hanging from this body board, laughing, having a good time. Before we knew it, we had been swept out pretty far from the shore by a rip or something, and although we could do absolutely nothing about it, we just kept laughing and laughing. The situation was so hopeless that that was all we could do. The more we tried to swim for shore, the farther out we would end up. Maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious.
So whenever I think of him, that is the first thought that springs to my mind, and brings a smile to my face. So what I am trying to say is that you do remember the good rather than the bad. I think Good Will Hunting has a speech on this by Robin Williams' character (talking about his wife dying from cancer).
BTW, my grandfather and I made it back to shore safe and sound (apart from being slightly short of breath). No life guards were patrolling this particular beach, so my father had to swim and drag us back in. He is (or at least was) a strong swimmer. Or just plain strong (he is a fireman)...and he could beat your dad.
Mike, I know how hard it is, but you gotta try and go - I see you are gonna try, which is good.
My gran is in a home - she can't look after herself, she is now getting the care she needs. I don't go to the home, I've been a few times, and to be honest it gives me the creeps, seeing all those poor old souls....just waiting.
Anyway, last year she was rushed into hospital. It seemed very likely it would be over quickly, I made the effort and went to see this shadow of a woman I once knew. It wasn't nice, but I felt good in myself that I'd done it.
Strangely, my old gran is still hanging on.
My gran is in a home - she can't look after herself, she is now getting the care she needs. I don't go to the home, I've been a few times, and to be honest it gives me the creeps, seeing all those poor old souls....just waiting.
Anyway, last year she was rushed into hospital. It seemed very likely it would be over quickly, I made the effort and went to see this shadow of a woman I once knew. It wasn't nice, but I felt good in myself that I'd done it.
Strangely, my old gran is still hanging on.
I went through the same thing as you. My grandmother had severe dementia for about 5 years before she died. She was in a home for the last 3 1/2 years, and I stopped going to visit her with my family after about 1 year (it was a 3 hour trip to her resthome). I don't have any regrets about not going, and my family wasn't mad at me for not going, either. It was just too hard for me to see her like that.Originally posted by Mike Money
I'm a wuss and i would crumble... i know i would change, and i am afraid of how i would change... i should see her, but i really do not want to.
john turner
You don't want to do that. Trust me.
Originally posted by Mike Money
My real issue is me wanting to remember her how she was... when she was semi-normal... I don't want to remember her as a balding, skinny vegetable who can do nothing except suck on a straw.
you won't. oh sure, the image of that will be stong and jarring, but eventually, and for the rest of your life, it will just get merged into the "memory stew" of her, and be overshadowed by the good memories of her that you have.
you owe it to yourself, your "future" self, to go.
Mike, I just went through this very same situation. My Grandma was 92, and she passed away a month ago. But her condition was also very poor and had been for a number of years.
I don't think your thoughts or feelings are sick or unusual. When they are in a state of just being, but not aware of the world around them what can you do? You know them, you want to say "hi", or do something! But what? Just help them be comfortable.
My Grandma did not know me the last 4 or 5 years and while my Grandfather(92) was doing quite well, the minute he got her into a facility where she could be cared for 24-7, he died. I can't erase his phone number off my cell's speed dial. I still think I ought to give him a call, but realize that I can't.
I am greatful that they had decent lives to live, I hope I gave them some joy being an obnoxious grandson.
