I've done a handful of gigs over the years where I found myself in this type of bass-too-loud, "no win" situation. As I've split my time between doing live sound and playing bass, I sometimes feel compelled to go overboard to make a statement. I don't necessarily recommend this, but when the PA is also carrying the bass, I've shut my stage amp/monitor off completely. Then if there's a complaint, it's with whomever is mixing FOH, not my stage volume. Doing this ain't fun, but I can deal with it and if it makes everyone else happy, then so be it, and hope for better next gig.
OTOH, I've also gone the other direction, and not done a damn thing and just played whatever volume/tone I thought fit the stage mix from my vantage point. IOW, fcuk the universe, and if you don't like it, fire me. That's never happened yet. I also don't recommend this, unless you're prepared to piss people off and lose your gig.
Funny anecdote: I once did a gig where the FOH mixer insisted on mic'ing my stage rig speakers in addition to my fully modeled direct feed to the desk. I told him that, since the stage rig speakers were full range - amplifying the same DI modeled tone (with cab sim) that I was sending to FOH - that it probably wouldn't yield the result he wanted. But it wasn't my stage or mix and he insisted, so fine, mic my FRFR cabinet. LOL.
About half way through the performance, he kept on telling me to turn down...turn down...turn down...so I shut the stage rig OFF. Within a few seconds, all-of-a-sudden we could all hear an odd sounding "haunting" low end feedback. My bass speaker mic was feeding back in the FOH. I knew what had happened, but got a chuckle watching him scramble to find the feedback. It didn't really matter...we were playing to empty seats and bar staff... a suck gig all around.