Dazed and confused

[Skel]

I have a brother who lives about an hour from me. He's married with 2 kids, 9 and 4. He's been married for 10 or 11 years. He's a CPA, she's a PA. 2 nights ago she's at work, and he's home opening up mail cluttered with Xmas cards. He comes to one addressed to his wife only. He opens it to find it's a thank you card from a guy's mother in Arkansas -"thanks for being there for my son, thanks for the gift" blah blah. His wife had just been to Arkansas 3 weeks ago for a very uncharacteristic "business" trip. My brother calls his wife at work and says "who's Jim?". Silence. My brother says "just tell me this; has there been any infidelity in our marriage?". She says that there has, and it's been going on for the past 8 months. My brother, in shock, breaks down for a few minutes and his kids are right there asking "what's the matter, daddy?" In his period of shock, he tells his kids what happened. He then calls the most nearby relatives, his sister-in-law and her husband to come get the kids (he's emotionally destroyed). I find out about this a while later and head to his house immediately. I take him to my house where my parents are visiting, for family support. He didn't sleep at all that night. Yesterday we're all trying to figure out what to do, if anything. My brother contacted a lawyer, then transferred half of all the money they had in various accounts into an account she can't touch. He took yesterday off from work, and he eventually just wanted to get his kids and go home. I drove him home and just hung out there. He's calling around, but nobody is answering there phones - his wife, sister-in-law, etc. He calls his mother-in-law in Chicago, who informs him that the kids are on a flight to Chicago to avoid being in the crossfire. This "women" he's married to puts 2 already traumatized kids on a flight to Chicago - by themselves.

There is absolutely no history of domestic violence, drinking, drugs, nothing. My brother feels exactly like many of you married guys reading this; in absolute disbelief and shock.

I'm dazed and confused.

 

[Tony G]

Wow, that is crazy. Such terrible news.

 

[nad]

he tells his kids what happened.

I don't know the whole story, or even half for that matter, but this was a bad idea.

 

[Skel]

Yeah, he knows that. He screwed up in the moment.

 

[Kruton]

I'd take ALL the money and put it into an account she can't touch. And why is this guys mother so damn stupid as to send a Christmas card?

 

[Skel]

I'm not as smart and I don't have as much integrity as my brother. I begged him to move all the money yesterday, but he wouldn't.

Why did the mom send the card? Because my brother's wife has most likely been lying about being married - probably told her (and the guy) that she's divorced or separated. *I* have the actual card (long story). I called Little Rock information yesterday and got this lady's phone number. I am so tempted to call her, but my wife told me that I would just be hurting this lady then. Honestly, I don't care! I want to derail this relationship if I can. Is that crazy? There is no way they are getting back together, I just want to do something to hurt this "women" who I now hate.

 

[jady]

I'd take ALL the money and put it into an account she can't touch. And why is this guys mother so damn stupid as to send a Christmas card?

Im sure the mother didnt know her son was dating a married woman.

Skel, tell your bro to get a lawyer quick!!!! Even if this doesnt end in divorce he needs to cover his ass and assets just in case. My prayers will be with your bro and your family, especially his children.

 

[Skel]

Im sure the mother didnt know her son was dating a married woman.

Skel, tell your bro to get a lawyer quick!!!! Even if this doesnt end in divorce he needs to cover his ass and assets just in case. My prayers will be with your bro and your family, especially his children.

Thanks - that really means a lot. When somebody hurts a loved one or loved ones that badly it bothers you more than, at least, I expected.

 

[jady]

I am so tempted to call her, but my wife told me that I would just be hurting this lady then. Honestly, I don't care! I want to derail this relationship if I can. Is that crazy? There is no way they are getting back together, I just want to do something to hurt this "women" who I now hate.

If you are angry at your sis in law great, she deserves some crap at this point but the dudes mom is (probably) innocent in all this, if anything she did you all a favor by bringing this out in the open. I know it doesnt seem like it but it is better to know the truth of what is going on even if it hurts this bad.

 

[Skel]

Yeah, you're right. Have you ever felt like you just don't want *anybody* to get hurt any more, no matter what happened? You fight the urge for revenge or justice.

 

[jady]

Yeah, you're right. Have you ever felt like you just don't want *anybody* to get hurt any more, no matter what happened? You fight the urge for revenge or justice.

The urge for revenge is natural, it means you love your brother. But you know it wont make his pain go away. His wife will be punished enough by scorn, a divorce she wont come out of well, guilt, and eventually remorse. Nothing you could do to her can even compare to what she has brought onto herself.

 

[bassfacekevin]

that's absolutely terrible. I'm sorry that this has to happen to your family. But even in this time of grief, it would be more than wise to seek legal advice on all matters (money, property, and most importantly, the childeren.)

~k

 

[Skel]

The urge for revenge is natural, it means you love your brother. But you know it wont make his pain go away. His wife will be punished enough by scorn, a divorce she wont come out of well, guilt, and eventually remorse. Nothing you could do to her can even compare to what she has brought onto herself.

You're so right - just needed a sanity check I guess. It sure gave me an eye opener into what infidelity can do to a family. Now I actually feel sorry for her too. She has issues.

 

[jady]

You're so right - just needed a sanity check I guess. It sure gave me an eye opener into what infidelity can do to a family. Now I actually feel sorry for her too. She has issues.

Thats what we're here for

You might want to see if there is someone in a professional capacity for your bro to talk to (counselor, support group, priest) it will help him to be able to vent a bit to someone impartial and uninvolved. Much luck and prayers to you and your family Skel if I had a brother I would hope he would be there for me as you are for yours.

 

[tkozal]

Dude, you are being a true friend to your brother, the wheel of Karma will remember, props to you....

 

[P. Aaron]

While this is a terrible thing. Moving money around may cause problems. Laws regarding "community property" vary from state to state but even in the ugliest of circumstances, the marital assets are still to be divided if the worst thing happens: a divorce.

Right now, you brother has to get some courage, and some restraint and demand an explaination from his wife...in person.

E-mail, or over the phone is not satisfactory. All this moving money around, and worse yet, using the kids as pawns in an adult situation is the worst thing.

 

[Baryonyx]

There has been no domestic violence in this marriage? Then it's about damn time there was. Woman needs a good beating, I'll say. This has really got me riled, just to hear about a man being ****** over like that.

I just hope he's okay, and understands that he stands on a higher plain that the human effulence that would do this to him. I hope he gets the kids back, the last thing they need is being raised with the values of a whore.

 

[Skel]

While this is a terrible thing. Moving money around may cause problems. Laws regarding "community property" vary from state to state but even in the ugliest of circumstances, the marital assets are still to be divided if the worst thing happens: a divorce.

Right now, you brother has to get some courage, and some restraint and demand an explaination from his wife...in person.

E-mail, or over the phone is not satisfactory. All this moving money around, and worse yet, using the kids as pawns in an adult situation is the worst thing.

When I was sitting there at my brother's house, I overheard all of his phone conversations, one of them being from his wife. She was unable to use one of her cards to get gas. She either was, or is with her boyfriend and I don't know what her plans are - I serously doubt she's moving back into the house. She has no remorse about what she did but what really shocked me was how everybody in her family, including her, was "concerned" about my brother. I heard him tell her very calmly that *she* was the one people should be concerned about. He said he was devastated but he didn't bring this problem on...she did. Maybe you had to be there, but I was blown away with my brother's ability to remain calm and communicate. Thanks again to everyone. I feel peace about not getting revenge and that feels so good.

 

[Baryonyx]

Sounds like you're brother has got his wits about him and that is going to be a huge asset to him. I find myself to be able to keep my cool in my own situations, when my own actions matter, but when I hear about something like this it just makes me see red. Again, I'm damn sorry to hear about this.

 

[Jeff Martinez]

As his brother, the best thing you can do (and most difficult) is help keep him focussed on keeping his cool. It's easy to want to get revenge, but the best thing that would happen is to prove that he truly is the bigger person. That is best for the kids.

And if need be, I know a few female thugs in the area that could just happen to run into this skank in a dark alley one night... It could never be traced back to you.

Seriously, I'm sorry to hear that your family has to go through this.