1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  
    TalkBass.com has been uniting the low end since 1998.  Join us! :)

dealing with a suicide

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by clanner, Mar 1, 2006.

  1. clanner

    clanner Token Black Guy.

    Apr 27, 2005
    ummmmm, marietta GA
    had a rough day at school today. if ound out a 9th grade girl that i was friends with shot herself tuesday night. instant death. was an amazing singer and very smart, still doesn't feel right, really surreal. the entire fine-arts program at my school pretty much just ran counceling sessions all day and every one in the program is really depressed or angry or just completely in a daze. if anyone could give some advice on how to deal with this and how to cope I would feel very greatful.
  2. dwbentley


    May 5, 2001
    Amarillo, Tx
    I'm sorry to hear about this. It is really sad when a young person ends their life before it even gets started. At that age nothing is worth giving up the opportunity of having a great life.

    Your profile says that you play music at your church. I would suggest talking to someone there that has your trust and respect. Your parents would be great to talk to about this if you have a good relationship with them. Everyone has to deal with the loss of a friend or family member at some point in their life and it is never easy.

  3. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
  4. txbasschik


    Nov 11, 2005
    Leander, Texas
    Last summer, a bandmate and close friend's husband committed suicide. He shot himself. He was a dear friend, and he and my husband were very close, hanging out together, and the man was a great supporter of the band. He came to every show, wore our t-shirt everywhere, and was so proud of all us girls.

    Remember your friend. Think of the good times you had. Tell each other good stories about her. If she had any recordings, listen to them. Keep her memory alive.

    Have a kind of wake for her. We did that for Rodney, and it was very much a healing thing. All of his friends and favorite musicians got together at one of his favorite places. We ate foods he loved, and the bands performed his favorite songs. One of the blues bands got up and did a great rendition of Amazing Grace, his favorite hymn, and everyone sang. I have a picture of us all, standing there, singing Rodney on to the next life.

    Suicide is a terrible, terrible thing. The person who died was in a lot of inner, spiritual pain, and the ones left here have to go through that. It is part of the healing, to hurt, to feel anger, to cry. Feel those things...and then remember all the positives, and celebrate them.

    Less than a year later, I still miss Rodney. His widow is only now beginning to recover from her loss. She quit playing music altogether, after he died, but at least now, she can be out with friends and not cry, she is beginning to be herself. We have all had to give ourselves time to recover.

    So...give youself that time. You will find yourself missing her, off and on, for a long time. Just...always keep the good memories alive, like a candle you have lit for her.



  5. pointbass

    pointbass Jersey to Georgia Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Nov 4, 2004
    Acworth, GA
    Endorsing Artist: FBB Bass Works
    My son committed suicide on December 4th at the age of 30. He was an amazing percussionist, had a great job, was a really good looking guy and had tons of friends. To this day, we have no idea why he shot himself ..... no drugs, no alcohol, no gambling, really no apparent reason at all.

    My best advice to you and your friends is to realize that there was nothing that you, personally, could have done to stop it from happening. As Cherie said above, a suicidal person is usually in tremendous inner pain, something most of us can not understand.

    Hug your friends, hug your family, and most importantly, if you ever feel that taking your own life is a possibility, talk to someone immediately, don't think the feelings will go away by themselves .......

  6. txbasschik


    Nov 11, 2005
    Leander, Texas
    I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray, often, that my children never take their own lives, and I can only imagine what you must feel.


    Cherie :(
  7. AspiringBassMan


    Dec 10, 2005
    its always their families and friends of the person who has committed suicide who are left to pick up the pieces and live with it for the rest of their lives :mad:. the pain never goes, it just becomes more and more numb.

    to all those who have lost a loved one in this way:
    remember the good times.
  8. Thor

    Thor Moderator Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    I've posted this before, but it won't hurt to say it again.

    My college roommate killed himself in 1984. Something
    happened at work that was tragic and upsetting on a Friday.
    Saturday it all got resolved, but no one told him. Sat. night
    he drove out to the desert and shot himself. He took 2 guns,
    but chose the .45. Pretty final that.

    He left a wife And 3 kids, one that is my godson.

    I was angry at him, very angry, for 10 years, I have finally come
    to accept it, but every time ( every day ) I think of it,
    it chokes me up. The hurt has never left.

    Now that the anger has finally left, it is replaced by an
    infinite sadness. I think of all the things that might have
    been. He was an excellent guitar player, and got me
    back into playing. I think of all the notes that didn't get
    played and the songs we never sang. How sad.

    The first part of the process is purging yourself of blame and
    anger. That is where the healing begins.

    If you need to talk you can PM me if you like. This place really
    pulls together when stuff like this happens, and there will
    be a lot of people to talk to if you need it.

    Take care and God bless you and your friends with peaceful
  9. I haven't ever lost anyone to suicide, but I did lose two friends very quickly and tragically to cance and an accident, in that order.

    It's going to hurt. For a long time. There really isn't anything you can do to get rid of the pain, except wait. Do something to remember your friend. Something that she would hav liked. That will at least help you remember her in a good way.

    I'm so very sorry for you. This kind of thing should never happen.

    Rock on
  10. d8g3jdh

    d8g3jdh Guest

    Aug 9, 2005
    My Concolences to you in your time of need.
  11. I lost my partner to suicide about 10 years ago. Others here are spot on when they say that the pain never goes away. The "why" question is always there.

    You and your friends will overcome this tragedy, given time, but for now, my deepest sympathies are with you.
  12. My condolences, what a situation to have to deal with. I think you are doing the right thing by talking about it. Support groups can help. Your friends can be your support group too.

    The first few weeks are very hard but it does get better, the pain will be less and less over time.
  13. Very sorry to hear this Ed. My condolences to you. Years ago I lost a son. Not to suicide, he was 4 months old and died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was very hard on us, but when I hear stories such as yours I feel that we somehow got off a bit easier.

    In both of the cases mentioned in this thread, the person had a lot going for them and the act of suicide came out of a clear blue sky. It's very important not to blame yourself. We felt guilty when my son died, why didn't we know something was wrong? Of course, hindsight is 20/20. Guilt is just one of the negative emotions you feel when you're grieving, even though it's unwarranted.
  14. Music can be a great healer.
  15. Mark Wilson

    Mark Wilson Supporting Member

    Jan 12, 2005
    Toronto, Ontario
    Endorsing Artist: Elixir® Strings
    Clanner: It's terrible when a person takes their life at such a young age. I'm only 18 and I can't fathom losing a friend to suicide.

    Ed: I'm so sorry to hear about that as well. Especially as there was no reason. It's such a terrible loss when lives are lost for no reason, and it's terrible as they were amazing musicians as well. Music makes the world turn.

    Thor: That's terrible as well. But, you've realized life goes on. What people decide to do is innevetable.

    I'm with Eric on this. I've never lost a friend to suicide, but two very close friends of mine were hit and killed by a drunk driver. That was 5 years when I was in grade 8th. It was such a shock. One was a very close friend of mine. When I transferred schools he's the one who took me under his wing, introduced me to everyone, showed me around, and we hung out alot. He moved to another school but we stayed in touch. And that day at school, all my class did was sit there in tears in the library.

    I'm going to have such a hard time when my family members starts passing away, as I know it's going to happen eventually. Hopefully, very VERY far down the road.

    And, if anyone needs to talk, feel free to PM me. I'll listen and offer any help I can.

  16. tplyons


    Apr 6, 2003
    Madison, NJ
    My condolences for your loss, I'm sure she was a great person and sounds like we would've loved her presence.

    If you need to talk to anyone, the mailbox is open.
  17. clanner

    clanner Token Black Guy.

    Apr 27, 2005
    ummmmm, marietta GA
    thanx all. right now I'm somewhere between anger and sadness, but the anger is directed at our schools assistant band directed, another friend of mine found out about it during her band class and the teacher just said get over it.

    he also teaches the jazz band but can be a real a-hole.

    i played music at school to cheer everyone up and began working on a song that I'm going to have all of her closest friends write lyrics for, hopefully this will help.

    still doesn't feel right, I'm still nauseous and am trying to distract myself from it because i keep thinking I'm going to walk into school and see here there.

    Saturday is her funeral and the entire chorus class is going to sing amazing grace and a song called can you hear which was a piece she had the lead solo in last semester.