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Five years and still lamenting

slobake

slobake

resident ... something
Aug 6, 2011
1,904
25,886
Somewhere to the left of "Whoopie"
smowles01.wordpress.com
#1
Tomorrow is my wife's birthday and today marks the five year anniversary of the last time we spoke with her father.
Her father was bed-ridden and we had been doing hospice care for some time. My wife decided to celebrate her birthday with some friends. Her father spent the day with her sister. That night he went into a coma and died several days later.
My wife struggles with the fact that she wasn't there on his last coherent day. It doesn't matter that we were the primary care givers until he died or that he trusted her as executor of his estate and told her that she was the one who could keep the family together. All the time we spent with him and all the things we did for him seem to vanish over her sadness because she left him that one day to do something for herself. Yes, I know it is illogical but we are human beings not Vulcans. We struggle with these things.
I try and comfort her but I also know she has to work this out.
My son and his family are out of town and this is the first year she will celebrate her birthday without them. She also used to spend this day with her best friend but she moved to Arizona in January.
The stress brings out the worst in us and we have been fighting too. I'm guessing she is at home right know crying.
I would like to do something special for her birthday but I am at a loss. There is the usual flowers and dinner. What else can I do for her?
Come on TalkBass help me out.
 
#2
First - there is (as I know you know) a difference between mourning a missed opportunity, and beating oneself up for not taking that opportunity. Whatever you can do to help her mourn without beating herself up...
As far as her birthday - amigo, she's *your* wife. What makes her feel special and loved by you? Do some of that, in a big way, whatever it is.
 
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#3
We all grieve in our own way, but if this is still an issue after five years then your wife doesn't need something "special" on her birthday, she needs the services of a professional grief counselor. Her inability to move past this life event is dragging everyone down along with her, and will likely end your marriage if it isn't dealt with.
 
#4
I found this quote from Pema Chodron the other day....
"…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are."

-Mike
 
#5
Thanks for your replies so far. I love the quote Mike, yes we are still growing and learning from these things after 30+ years. To be clear my wife is not going around moping all the time. Her birthday is hard though because it is a reminder of all this. There is no danger of this ending our marriage we will continue to grow and learn. After 30 years we are also not afraid to have a nice fight. It is good for us, lets off steam. We don't have emotional hangovers from our fights we get it out and move on.
I love this woman so much it is scary. I would do anything for her except eat tuna noodle casserole.
 
#8
Slobake, I understand her pain. My father died after being in hospice for only 2 weeks, and even though I was with him constantly the night he died I went to a long time friends house for a party and got pretty messed up. My older brother was the only one with him when he died. Its always burned me that I wasn't there and for the first few years it really hurt. However it got better when I started telling myself one of the things I learned from my father which is that its more important to remember the person that lived rather than the person that was dying. My recommendation to you is take her out to do something that she did with her dad while he was healthy and explain this to her. Example of this would be, My father took me fishing a lot, so in remembrance of him, and forgetting his dying days I would go fishing by myself and remember the good times spent with him.
 
#9
Wifey gets weepy in the days leading up to the anniversary of her mother's death, then maudlin in the days following. In the past it was grist for some epic squabbles.

A few years back I made a point to talk to her about it when it was still several months away and while she refused to talk about why it affected her in the manner it did, I did learn she found my efforts to comfort her were a contributing factor to her misery. She said it was just something that really got to her and if I loved her I'd leave it at that and not try to "fix" her.

These days as the date approaches, I make sure to stock up on her favorite food and drink then I just stand by to be there for her in whatever capacity she may need me for. That has ranged from cooking her favorite dinner to spending a lot of time in my shop, out of sight and out of mind. I try to be there for whatever she wants but let her dictate the pace of everything for the duration. Amazingly enough, last year she actually sat me down and explained why the death of her mother has had such a lasting effect on her.

I still don't understand it, but I've come to realize it's not for me to understand. I've learned that there is no statute of limitations on grief and my way is not always the best way to "fix" things, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sometimes just being an ear and a shoulder for someone you love is really all they want or need.
 
#10
fhm555 said:
Wifey gets weepy in the days leading up to the anniversary of her mother's death, then maudlin in the days following. In the past it was grist for some epic squabbles.

A few years back I made a point to talk to her about it when it was still several months away and while she refused to talk about why it affected her in the manner it did, I did learn she found my efforts to comfort her were a contributing factor to her misery. She said it was just something that really got to her and if I loved her I'd leave it at that and not try to "fix" her.

These days as the date approaches, I make sure to stock up on her favorite food and drink then I just stand by to be there for her in whatever capacity she may need me for. That has ranged from cooking her favorite dinner to spending a lot of time in my shop, out of sight and out of mind. I try to be there for whatever she wants but let her dictate the pace of everything for the duration. Amazingly enough, last year she actually sat me down and explained why the death of her mother has had such a lasting effect on her.

I still don't understand it, but I've come to realize it's not for me to understand. I've learned that there is no statute of limitations on grief and my way is not always the best way to "fix" things, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sometimes just being an ear and a shoulder for someone you love is really all they want or need.
Click to expand...

Good advice fhm. I have learned that I can't "fix" anyone and I can be really annoying when I try. When I try and fix someone it is usually more about me being uncomfortable than trying to help them.
My mom died 15 years ago. The last thing I remember is her looking at me with a lot of anger in her eyes then she died. I will probably never get over that.
 
#11
slobake said:
...Good advice fhm. I have learned that I can't "fix" anyone and I can be really annoying when I try. When I try and fix someone it is usually more about me being uncomfortable than trying to help them...
Click to expand...

Yeppers, the thing I'm most guilty of is trying too hard to "fix" things. I see the world in black and white so I often made a hash of things when trying to apply my world view to something that is some shade of gray for the individual struggling. Wifey has been a great help for me in this regard.

She has no problem telling me to STFU.:D
 
#12
First, I liked mellows suggestion :p - they say vanilla is the universally accepted scent for women AND most men. But I have odd little true story about the "last coherent day" and why your wife may not have actually have missed HIS last coherent day.
My late wife died of a frontal brain tumor - eventaully she didn't know who any of us were, just made insane chatter. Then one day she fell silent - admittedly merciful for me and my daughters since she didn't know who any of us were. So, about 2 months after she went silent I was cleaning up the mess (she was bedridden) and feeling overwhelmed started crying in our master bath. I hear a voice, "what are you crying about". I can't believe it - step into the room, "what?" "What are you crying about, you're not the one dying". She never spoke again, died about 3 months later. I never consider it a waste of time for people to talk to those who seem "Dead to the world" - you just don't know. On same hope a friend of mine took headphones and a cassette player to the hospital and played the Lord's Prayer to his comatose father every day for months. Assure you wife that even if her dad couldn't respond, that doesn't mean he didn't know she was there until the end.
Since you are both Christians(I think?) she might benefit from find a group here. Google "Griefshare org"
 
#13
edpal said:
Since you are both Christians(I think?) she might benefit from find a group here. Google "Griefshare org"
Click to expand...

Yes, I am a christian even though I don't act like it sometimes. I use the expression "follower of Jesus" sometimes. There are a some stereotypes associated with the word "christian."

Thanks edpal. Sorry to hear about your wife. You are a good man.
 
#15
I've suffered the loss of many loved ones over the years. It always hurts to remember the time when they left, which is why I try not to do that. You can't get your wife unstuck from that spot but you can be her rock to lean on when she needs it. It's just about all you can do and I'm sure you know how. She has to find peace on this issue on her own terms, in her own time.
 
#16
I say this without the slightest sarcasm or facetiousness. I would suggest that after 5 years if this is still this much of an issue getting the help of an outside professional is in order.

I spoke to my sister one night and she was having rough time. I thought she was fine after the conversation.

The next day I get a call she ran a tail pipe into her car after talking to me. I got over that in less than five years.

I wish you all the best.
 
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#20
She's your wife, man. You know the little things that make her feel loved.

One time when I was broke on the SO's birthday, I just made up a little card myself and put little coupons in there, like one for a hug, one for a walk in the park, etc. Little things that didn't cost anything but meant spending time together doing something for us.

That was years ago. She still keeps the card and the coupons and keeps trying to re-use them. I forgot to include expiration dates.

Might be corny, but just do whatever you know will hit her heart in the right spot.
 

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